Becky
July2013
Iclosed my eyes,drawing in huge gulps of air in rapid succession. My lungs felt like they were on fire, and my heart—it felt as if it was actually shattering. Fragments of pain piercedeverywhere. I’d never experienced agony quite likeit.
That was saying a lot. In my twenty-two years, I’d facedplentyof pain, both physical and emotional. My father had been an abusive drunk, my ex-boyfriend and the father of my child had nearly snuffed our lives out, and my brother had been locked in jail for my stupidmistake.
Yes, I’d felt a lot of pain. But losing Mom…it was a different kind ofpain.
It was permanent. It was a void that I didn’t think would ever befilled.
“Oh God, Mom,” I sobbed into my hands, staring at the now-stripped bed where she had spent the better part of three months confined to. Her frail body was gone, the slight impression on the mattress the only remaining sign ofher.
We weren’t the perfect family, but wewerea family. We were finally doing right by each other. I felt like I didn’t get enough time with her, with my brothers. So much of our lives together was wasted, and it broke my heart that my son wasn’t going to see his Grammyanymore.
My shoulders shook as I leaned forward and cried. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to hold myself together because I felt as if I wereunravelling.
The sound of a car door slamming had me freeze for a moment. I straightened, blinking back my tears. A moment later, another car door slammed and I heardvoices.
I wiped at my face, trying to dry my eyes and cheeks. Of course, I would have picked the exact moment that Tessa Armstrong returned with my son to have my emotional break down. I had the worst timing for thesethings.
Tessa had picked Aiden up this morning so I could help my older brother, Brock, with the funeral arrangements. Afterwards, I’d gone to the florist to order the flowers, called the caterer and planned the reception. I’d even had time to come into Mom’s bedroom to start stripping thebed.
And then I’dbuckled.
It hit me. She was really, truly gone. She’d never sit at another Timbit soccer practice, or read another bedtime story to Aiden. She wouldn’t be sitting in the audience when I finally graduated from nursing school after years of helping me balance parenting with school andwork.
I had cried plenty of times since Mom’s bleak diagnosis, but not like this. Not that god-awful, gut-wrenching wail of themourning.
The front door opened and closed, and at the sound of feet thudding against the floor, I bolted out into the hallway, closing the door to Mom’s room behind me. I didn’t want Aiden to see Grammy’s empty bed and be reminded. “Hi buddy!” I said, pasting on a smile that I hoped conveyed happiness to my three-year-old.
The smile on Aiden’s face was genuine, and his eyes shone with excitement. “I rode a horse,Mommy!”
“Really?” I looked up to where my older brother’s girlfriend stood at the end of the hall, an anxious look on herface.
“I hope that’s alright,” she said, her brows creasing. “I had him wear the proper gear—helmets and pads and what not. I held the reins the whole time,” she addedanxiously.
“It’s okay,” I paused, drawing in air slowly. The pain in my chest was still there, as well as the desire to cry, but I had a bath to draw and a child to get to bed. There was a routine, and routines couldn’t bebroken.
I clung to the routine; thankful for it. The distraction and happiness my son provided helped me get through each minute. When he wasn’t around, it was harder for me not to fall apart. I needed to do things, I needed to feeluseful.
“Let’s get the bath started and then you can tell me all about riding the horse, okay buddy?” I smiled. Aiden nodded and raced down the hallway to the bathroom. “Thanks again, Tessa,” I told her,grateful.
Tessa was a saving grace. She had come to me at the recommendation of my friend, Katie Armstrong. Katie was married to Tessa’s older brother, and had happened to toss my name out there when she found out Tessa was looking for a summer job and I was looking for a dependablebabysitter.
She hadn’t been working for me for very long, but she’d swooped in and helped with Aiden every moment she could. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since my mother had passed, and yet she’d been with us practically the wholetime.
It hadn’t bothered me that my older brother, Brock, was seeing her. In fact, I’d secretly been thrilled. Brock had come back for the first time in years because our mother was dying, but I was terrified he’d leave again once the funeral wasover.
I couldn’t do this alone, and if there was a possibility that Brock would end up sticking around a little longer because of this girl, I was all for it. I didn’t want to lose him too, and I had no idea how I was supposed to handle Braden if he left. I didn’t even knowwheremy younger brother was. He’d taken off shortly after the ambulance had left with Mom’s body. He wasn’t answering calls ortexts.
As if I didn’t have enough on my plate. Funeral arrangements, trying to cope with my own suffocating grief, not to mention my son’s grief…and now I had to worry about my youngerbrother.
“It’s no problem,” Tessa assured me, drawing my attention back to our conversation. “If you need anything else, let me know. If you want, I can come over tomorrow morning and help withAiden.”
“It’s alright,” I smiled, exhausted with the collected act but unable to quit it. “I can manage tomorrow. I think my family and I will want to be alone. No offence,” I added, wincing when I realized how that sounded. Tessa had only recently started dating Brock, and I hadn’t meant to exclude her, but I still didn’t know her all that well. This feltprivate.
“None taken.” Tessa gave me a small smile to show me that she understood, her eyes lined with understanding. Family was important to her too. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me if you needanything.”
