“It doesn’t matter. History has shown us that it always goes wrong when cops take justice into their own hands.”
“What about all the justice that never happens? All the people who are dead and whose bodies will never be found? Justice is an illusion society has created to keep up a semblance of order. Problem is, there is no order, no higher legitimacy. There’s just people. And some of them get justice while others don’t, whereas we stand at the sidelines, operating in a system that has more holes than a cheese from Switzerland. I’m so fucking tired of it all.”
George was so shocked by this outburst, he set the blinkers and parked the car at the curb somewhere on the outskirts of Charleston. His anger started to fade in the face of Andi’s obvious distress. Instinctively George understood this wasn’t about justice at all—or perhaps only marginally. This was about Andi being backed into a corner he couldn’t escape, and George had made it even worse by speaking so harshly to him. He could have slapped himself.
“I’m sorry, Andi. I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep talking about this. I’m going to drive you home. I’ll call in and tell them we’re following a lead that has suddenly come up.” George reached for his cell to do just that. Andi was staring at him with glassy eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down when he swallowed hard. He looked angry and confused and torn, and George could see his walls coming down. Then Andi leaned back in his seat, his eyes closed, his voice that monotone he always had when he was explaining what he got from the arthropods, and George knew his partner didn’t want to share, didn’t even want to experience anything, but didn’t seem to be able to stop it.
“It’s all a maelstrom, emotions and feelings and images, and I’m caught in it, I want out, I don’t want this, don’t want to know, I can never escape, oh why is it so hard to get out, so impossible, I’m trapped again, so many pictures, so much info I can’t place, I need to get back to solid ground, only where is it these days, always gone, never where I need it to be, and I’m so hungry, and the spider has caught the fly and the butterfly was hit by a car while the caterpillar eats away the leaves of the flowers and the pill bugs cower beneath the sink and the roaches roam the gutter, finding food and shelter and nourishment, and why am I up here when it’s so much safer down there, where it’s cool and dark and nothing can touch me, but I’m too big, why am I too big, and why would I go down into the earth, when I have the sky to take to, with its breezes and clouds and sun, sun is good, warm, though fading, I could hide in the walls, plenty of wood there to gnaw on, to build tunnels, to reproduce, I never wanted children, the danger of passing on the curse is too great, the curse, thegeschenk, the root of all my problems and suffering, the net is torn, why am I here, the bumblebee is exploring a hole in the ground, a good place to spend the winter, I—”
George felt guilt and shame creeping up his spine. He had done this, he had pushed his already mentally fragile partner into this, this… episode simply because he wanted to be right, and now he had to deal with the aftermath, had to pull Andi back from whatever world he was losing himself in. He grabbed Andi’s shoulder and shook him violently.
“Andi! Come back. I’m sorry, Andi, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to aggravate you like that. Please, come back to me.”
For way too long Andi stared at him blankly, his eyes open but clearly nobody was home. George thought he heard the dry rasping of chitin on stone, the buzzing of an angry fly. Then Andi twitched, shook his head, was back.
“What?”
“It’s okay. I’m going to get you home. You need to sleep, Andi.” George started the car to get back into traffic. Things were escalating so quickly, he didn’t know how to react. He needed some time to think, to clear his head. The last thing they needed right now was arguing with each other. It took George another twenty minutes to get to Andi’s house, twenty minutes during which they stayed mostly silent, Andi appearing to meditate while George was worrying himself sick about his partner.
As soon as they arrived, George saw to it that Andi had a light dinner—it was only 5:00 p.m., but that counted, didn’t it?—and then went straight to bed. When his partner started snoring, George finally had time to freak out. He went downstairs and out into the garden to get some fresh air and a little distance to his partner, who had been close to giving him a heart attack. Andi had said hisgeschenkhad started to calm down. He had assured George—or made him believe, as he now realized—that there was nothing to worry about. And to be honest, George knew Andi’s breakdown—shutdown? Meltdown? Spacing out?—was directly related to the stress of having Chief Norris harassing them all the time and George’s own harsh reaction to Andi’s implication of maybe letting the killers go unpunished. George was also adult enough to admit that 90 percent of his irritation about Andi’s viewpoint didn’t stem from righteous indignation—itsureplayed a part, but George had been on the force too long already to not have been tempted—but mostly from the desire to show Chief Norris up and maybe, hopefully, get rid of her sometime soon, because the prospect of being forced to deal with her for another two and half years—George very pointedly didn’t think about his growing desire to prolong his stay in Charleston for even longer—was about as compelling as having a root canal. He could do it if he had to, but not without proper sedation.
In his desperate need to get his thoughts in order, he called Daniel, hoping his brother was available. Daniel picked up after the fourth ring, his voice a little distorted. “Hey, dearest brother. What can I do for you?”
“Hey, Daniel. I could use some advice.”
“Shoot. Though be warned, I’m in an area with bad reception. We may be cut off.”
“Are you okay? Am I interrupting something?”
“No worries. Technically I’m on duty at the moment, but practically we’re having a break, so you’re good.” The exaggerated cheer in Daniel’s voice was just palpable enough to ring George’s alarms, but he knew better than to ask. Daniel was even worse at expressing a need for help than Andi.
“What I’m telling you now has to stay between us, Daniel.”
“Scout’s honor.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too.” And Daniel was, as George knew. He might hide it behind a light tone and seemingly careless banter, but his brother could keep a secret. To this day, neither their mother nor their oldest brother Griffin knew who was responsible for themysterious disappearance of the chocolate Easter eggs. Admittedly, the bribe had been substantial, but the silence had been worth it.
“Okay, here it comes. Andi and I are working a huge case at the moment, and we have so many suspects we could start a yard sale with them. The chief is breathing down our necks to close that case ASAP because the mayor wants it, so as you can imagine, tensions are riding high at the moment. We just drove back from interviewing some suspects when Andi suddenly started talking about how much the victims deserved to die, which led to a heated argument, and it upset him so much I had to get him home.”
“Ah, I see, one for the ethics and philosophy classes.”
“Daniel!”
“Calm down. What was your first reaction?”
“Honestly? That I can understand him. My second thought was that I want the person responsible to pay for the crime.”
“Mmm. And Andi thinks just letting it slide would be preferrable…. From what you told me about him, I wouldn’t have pegged him as somebody who takes the easy way out.”
“He doesn’t. It’s just that he has a very unique way of seeing the world. And our perspective on things doesn’t always match.”
“Okay, George, I can see how this is a difficult situation for you. Now take a deep breath, and we try to detangle what’s going on here because I think you have your priorities all mixed up. First, what is the main reason you called me? Because you don’t know what to do about the case or because you had a fight with your partner?”
George opened his mouth to answer, then closed it, before opening it again. “Because I had a fight with Andi. That upsets me more than anything else.” It was a staggering truth.
“If you put aside whatever tumult Andi’s differing of opinion has put you in, what are your feelings about the case?”
