So it was buddy now. Not baby or even Luke. Fuck me. “I know you’re mad and you have every right to be.”
“Oh, thanks for allowing me to have feelings.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I ran a hand through my hair, panicking, knowing she was slipping away from me and everything I was doing only pushed her further away.
“Can you just take me back to the city?” Clara asked quietly.
My shoulders sagged and I reached a hand out to her again, which she sidestepped. “Let’s talk about this. I swear there was nothing shady about this.”
“A lie is a lie is a lie,” she said sadly. “And you know damn well I have trust issues after what my ex did to me. I swore I would never let a man trick me again.”
“I wasn’t trying to trick you,” I insisted.
“Well, you did it anyway. Please take me back. I need some time, okay? Please.”
I wanted to argue but she seemed certain of her decision. Maybe I could talk her down, but I didn’t want to bully her into staying out here with me. If I was going to fix things with her, it wouldn’t be by locking her up out here like a princess in a tower. The thought crossed my mind, though.
The ride back was silent. Clara sat in the backseat and curled up into a little ball, facing away from me. I felt like utter dog shit for making her feel that way. All I wanted was to make her happy, and I had fumbled that ball spectacularly.
I had never thought I was tricking her, but now I could see how devastating it was from her point of view. How betrayed she felt. I also thought she was overreacting, but I wouldn’t win Clara’s heart back by dismissing her feelings as invalid.Ihad made the mistake here, by not being completely honest with her, and I didn’t get to tell her how to react to the mildly shitty thing I’d done.
What I wanted to do was kiss every tear away and swear my undying love to her. But she had said she needed some time, and I had no choice but to listen to her.
The drive back was too long and too short at the same time. Her silence was maddening, but I knew things would get worse once we were back in the city. Worse for me at least.
I was right.
Within an hour of arriving back at the penthouse, she was dragging her suitcase to the elevator.
With a heavy heart, I tried one more time to ask if we could talk. “Clara, I know I messed up but don’t you think you’re being a little drastic? Can’t we talk about this?”
She wouldn’t meet my gaze, devastating me. “Luke, I’ll be honest,” she said, voice rough. “There’s nothing you could say to me right now to change my mind. I’m spiraling right now and I need time and space to sort through everything.”
“Can’t you stick around while you sort through things?” I asked, hating how desperate I sounded. It was nothing compared to how I felt.
“No, I need distance to get some perspective,” Clara said. “Things have been happening so fast and they’ve gotten way more complicated than either one of us expected. I think it’s best if we hit the brakes and slow way down until I can figure out what comes next for us.”
The idea that there might be a nextanythingfor us gave me a ray of hope. It wasn’t much, but it sounded like she wasn’t ready to throw everything we had in the trash. Not yet. If I kept pushing her, would she cave or would I just make things worse?
“Listen, Clara, please,” I begged. “I know you want space, but just let me take you wherever you’re going. I can get you a hotel room. The nicest one in the city, anywhere you want.”
“No, Luke. Thank you, but no.”
I shook my head, not ready to give up. “How about this? You can stay right here, in my penthouse.Ican leave. Then you’ll have plenty of space and I won’t bother you at all.”
She finally looked at me. Her eyes were ringed red from crying, and I hated that I was the one who had made her cry. It was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Luke, I already have a flight booked back to Texas.” She looked around my apartment like it would be the last time sheever saw it. “I need to head to the airport, and I think it’s best if you just me go.”
“I don’t know if I can, Clara. I don’t want to fake this anymore.”
Her tears started flowing again and she waved me off. Clara rushed to the elevator and told me not to follow.
It wasn’t easy but I let her go, knowing I needed to respect her choices right then or risk losing her forever.
The apartment was eerily silent without her in it. I stared at the decorations, unfinished, the spot for the tree empty. It would remain that way. The poor fir tree had been cut down for nothing. Another victim.
The urge to tear down all the lights and the garland gripped me, but I didn’t have the energy. Now that Clara was gone, I suddenly felt empty, a deflated balloon. It was all I could do to slump boneless on the couch, facedown so I didn’t have to see the lights surrounding me. They weren’t on, which made them even sadder. They were just dull wires that I would probably never turn on again.
