My stomach flipped, not in a pleasant way. “I don’t think?—”
“Think less. Everyone needs a distraction, Nina. And you need to be reminded there are other men out there. Ones who don’t distract themselves with nasty redheads.”
Maybe Carmen was right. Maybe I’d just been too wrapped up in Lincoln, old and new, and just needed out. I didn’t want Lincoln’s voice in my head, tender with possibilities, determination, and wounded pride. He was out with Natasha, wasn’t he? Maybe a date wasn’t such a bad idea. A real clean slate.
“J… just dinner,” I said, though it already felt more than that—and it had nothing to do with Carmen’s brother.
Carmen’s smile softened a fraction. “That’s all it has to be.”
But the way her eyes lingered on me told me I’d played into her hand without having all the cards.
13
Lincoln
Itook a seat on a bright mustard–colored couch opposite the window, across from Dr. Valeria Ross. She was sitting in an indigo armchair, legs crossed, the bridge of her foot showing as her dress pants rode up. Against her porcelain skin, the midnight-black updo seemed almost weightless and the scarlet tilt of her glasses gave her an air of effortless command.
My eyes lingered on the bookcase next to me filled with pretentious self-help titles:The Body Knows the Score,Embracing Imperfection, andFrom Lazy to Highly Effective: Find your Motivation.Nothing along the lines ofHow to get your Memory Back?or7 Steps to Unf*ck What You Can’t Remember.Fifth session. If I heard psychological avoidance or defensive repression one more time, I’d lose my shit on this woman.
Not that she’d care. It’d happened before. I’d made fun of her books, her frigid expression, even her glasses. She’d kept her amusement in check and returned in kind. “Mocking me is your way to deflect. What would you feel if we kept the focus on you?”or “When we feel the need to get defensive, it’s often because we feel there’s truth to what’s being said.”
She leaned back in her chair, shifting which leg crossed over which. “Lincoln, your injury bears no significance in your memory loss. It’s not that you can’t remember. It’s that you won’t.”
My jaw tightened. “That’s convenient for you to say, isn’t it? Keeps me coming here and paying you.”
She didn’t flinch, didn’t even blink, and made a note on her fucking clipboard. “I’m just pointing your avoidance out to you.”
I let out a sharp laugh. “Avoidance? Of what? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be avoiding. You act like I’m hiding some big secret when the truth is—I’m blank.”
She tilted her head. “Not blank. Selective. Your brain is working hard to keep certain pieces out of reach. But even now, there’re truths you can’t avoid, can you?”
Her words sank under my skin. Guilt. Shame. She was circling Nina without saying her name, and it made my stomach knot. “So what—you think I’m scared of the big bad truth? That if I just man up and face it, I’ll get the girl?” I snapped my fingers. “Just like that?”
She adopted her exaggerated calm, steady tone. “Your body remembers exactly what’s waiting behind that wall.”
I thought of last week’s conversation with Vinny when he’d finally had the guts to show up. We’d been standing outside of Reality Bites. I was tracing her inhaler in the inner pocket of my blazer. My shoulders felt lighter, and a smile crept up my face when I spotted her through the window carrying mugs to a table with the ease of someone auditioning for an indie film.
Vinny had chuckled. The tension returned, raging and burning up my veins to lodge itself behind my vocal chords.
“Funny,” he’d said, “I always thought you were so weird with her because there was something there. Didn’t realize you had it this bad. There are better ways to flirt, dude.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I arched my brow and faced him, even as I kept track of Nina disappearing behind the counter and into the kitchen.
He lifted a shoulder and didn’t quite meet my eyes. “Just… back then, you pushed her. Hard. More than most people could take. But she did.”
I finally looked at him, fists tightly wound inside my pockets. “You said my mom had just passed and I was a dick to everyone. Was it worse with her?” I asked, afraid of the answer, even as the truth flashed in neon lights inside my empty mind.
Vinny glanced away, jaw tight. “You weren’t easy on her, man. And considering she’d just lost her parents herself…”
I swallowed, shame bubbling in my gut, but I focused on the anger in my throat. “You left her with me. I’d been a dick to her, and you left her with me.”
He shrugged. “I told you already, I thought you might have had a thing for her, and she needed help.”
Vinny playing fucking matchmaker.Could he be any more stupid?
“You left her hanging…. Did you ever see the apartment she lived in before? She’s asthmatic, dude. Could have killed her.” The image of Nina struggling to breathe, white as a sheet, so weak she melted into my touch, made me shudder.
Vinny tensed, and his gaze fell to the sidewalk, but the purplish hue from his lack of sleep became more pronounced. He shifted uncomfortably, running a hand over his mouth. “Yeah, well… I wanted to give her something, you know? Give rather than take just for once.”
