When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. I adjusted my position to see his mouth,
read his lips but I still didn’t understand. I touched his forearm and rubbed ever so lightly. “Come back to me, baby. I’m here to listen.”
My soft words had an effect, and he looked up, a sadness in his green eyes that had my own tearing. He began again. “In the last seven years, I hardly thought about touching another man. When I allowed myself to fantasize seeing someone across a room and having an electrified chemistry…”
A hint of a smirk crossed his handsome face, since that was exactly what happened when we met each other’s gaze. “Like us?”
“Yeah, like us. But in my fantasy, the man asked if I would fuck him. My initial thought was why would he want me? But after he asked again, I decided that I wanted him. I admitted that I’d dreamed of making love to him.” Ethan brought my hand to his heart where his shirt fell open. I felt the cool metal of his nipple ring under my trembling palm as I waited for what seemed an eternity. Then he whispered the words I dreaded. “I told him no.”
I chanced urging him on, my voice soft and soothing. “Why, baby? Why did you change your mind?”
He lifted his shoulders in an exaggerated shrug. “I was afraid that I’d hurt him… that he’d ask me to stop, that I wouldn’t.” Ethan covered his ears. “He screamed, Jude. Luca begged me for mercy and… and…” Ethan couldn’t finish his sentence. Instead, tears fell freely as a loud, harsh wail filled the room.
I lunged to his side and cradled him, holding his head against my chest. “Baby,” I said softly, trying to soothe him with my words. “Shush… baby,” I murmured against his temple as I started to rock him. “My sweet, loving baby,” I repeated over and over until his sobs slowed. I wiped under his eyes with the pad of my thumb.
“I’m sorry,” he croaked.
“For what?” I asked, still rocking gently and smoothing his brow.
“For falling apart. You asked for something that every other normal gay man can do without making an ass of himself.”
“Other men don’t count, Ethan. Only you. You can’t take back what happened. But didn’t you tell me that Luca was the one who said that you deserved a second chance?”
“Yes,” he said very quietly.
“Because he sees you Ethan, not the man who was manipulated and abused until you couldn’t even recognize yourself. And I’m going to tell you something else. I trust you implicitly. I believe with all my heart that you’d never hurt me. And if I asked you to stop, you would.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just am, Ethan. I can’t explain why. It’s the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I hear you coming in from work. It’s how gentle you are with me when I need you to be. And passionate when my body yearns for more. It’s how you wouldn’t let me visit the bishop alone. All those things and many more.”
We sat in the silence for a bit until I said, “Ethan, you had the same worries when we started to be intimate with each other. We went slow, and now we’re comfortable discovering new things about our bodies. How to bring each other to sexual highs.”
At my last words, my dick plumped.Not the right time. I was going to say something when I wriggled so his hip wasn’t smack up against me. Then I felt his swell as well. I wasn’t sure if I should say something.
Ethan straightened and met my gaze. “Thank you, Jude. I want you to believe that I desperately want to make love to you. I just need more time of us frotting and making out. I’d also like suggest something in the meantime.”
“What is it, Ethan?”
“Have you played with your hole yet?”
I felt heat climbing up my neck and Ethan brushed the back of his hand over my flaming cheeks. “I have been for a few months. Masturbation was not encouraged but we were allowed as long as we weren’t using a specific person as inspiration.” I had to chuckle, which amused Ethan. “The very first time when our eyes connected, and then I walked down the aisle to see you close up, I went back to the rectory and masturbated with your soul-catching green eyes in my mind. I suctioned a dildo to the wall and rode it, envisioning what your dick might feel like. Getting myself off that time was definitely a break from my vow of celibacy.”
Ethan’s mouth dropped open and then snapped shut again when he groaned, “Fuck, Jude, you can’t talk like that. My dick feels like a lamppost.”
“I’m very aware,” I said and skimmed my index finger over the sensitive head, then down the underside to sweet, sexy moans.
“In four days I see Andrew. Before we try penetration, I want to talk with him. I’ve been seeing him ever since I moved to Long Beach and he has a good grasp on my progression so far.”
“I’m glad you have him, Ethan. I’m not going anywhere.”
“No, you’re not,” he said, heat in his gaze as he gently flipped me onto my back and then straddled me, bracing his upper body on his forearms. “I’d like to kiss you.”
“And maybe more of what we’ve been doing?” I asked greedily.
“Yes. Anything I’m capable of giving is all yours.”
And then he kissed me hard and deep. Once I had the taste of Ethan on my tongue, all my concerns about having upset him melted away as we kissed and frotted until twilight gave way to a crescent moon night, the thin arc of light seeming to find Ethan and radiating onto the gorgeous man enveloped in my arms.
