SEVENTEEN
ETHAN
Sittingin Andrew’s office was as familiar as being in my apartment. My relationship with him as a confidante was equally comforting despite the fact I paid him for his time.
“What are you thinking?” Andrew asked, impeccably dressed as always. My impression about Andrew has been that he feels he has to look pristine because he’s a Black man and he wants to prove his worth. His personality runs nothing like his outward appearance, which is austere. He’s kind, compassionate, and warm. Plus, his favorite companion in the world besides his husband is a slobbering one hundred forty-pound Newfoundland named Tessie. Andrew had several photos of himself, his biker husband, and their dog posed next to his Harley Davidson.
“I was thinking that since Gabby has her own troubles, you’re the only other person that I can confide in. It’s sad that I have to pay for a friend. I also know that since Napa, I’ve shut down, mistrustful of letting people get too close.”
“Is that why you’re here today?”
I smoothed out the invisible wrinkles on the black chinos that were my work uniform. They were clean, since I wore overalls over them while I was in the bay. However, when I moved around on my seat, the air became saturated with a hint of engine oil. “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t have time to change.”
“You were going to tell me what you wanted to cover during our session,” Andrew said, getting me back on track.
“Right,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Jude asked me to make love to him.” I let the words settle between us.
“What did you tell him?” Andrew asked, no judgment.
“I freaked. I told him that I was afraid of hurting him. And that I had to talk to you.”
Andrew tapped his pen on his knee. “I’m curious, Ethan. Why would you hurt him?”
“Andrew,” I snapped, annoyed that he couldn’t figure that out on his own. And then I caught myself. He wasn’t going to assume what my feelings might have been. Calmer, I said, “I’m afraid that when I’m in position to fuck him, the act of putting my dick in him will trigger me and I’ll get rough and not stop when he tells me to.”
“Hmm,” Andrew hummed. “What sexual position was Luca in that day?”
“Why are you bringing up Luca?” Bile rose in my throat as I glared at Andrew.
“Trust me, Ethan. I wouldn’t if I didn’t think it might help you.”
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice getting frantic as I tried to recall the parts of the day that weren’t repressed. “I-I guess… he must’ve been bent over the table or desk… whatever it was. That’s all the stuff that was in there. It was a beat-up old shed. Andrew, no more,” I pleaded, my face in my hands.
“Ethan, you don’t have to look at me but please listen. The result of the drugs left you void of feelings, void of emotions. Thesensations of pleasure or pain were non-existent. What are your feelings for Jude?”
My head popped up. “What?”
“How do you feel about Jude?” Andrew repeated his question, showing no impatience.
“I think… I might be in love,” I said, letting the rightness of my answer settle over me like a warm blanket on a winter day.
“Feelings, Ethan. And love is an overriding emotion. My suggestion…”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak because talking about sex with Andrew is both awkward as fuck as well as arousing. Not aroused toward Andrew. No, it was the thought of seeing Jude again naked.
“If, Ethan, because even if Jude wants to have penetrative sex, it doesn’t mean you have to agree. However, if and when, pick a position like missionary style. Oftentimes, a nervous or anxious top will choose to have the bottom’s back to them. Not looking into each other’s eyes creates an emotional disconnection.” Andrew paused and then warned,” What I’m going to say next might cause you to become aroused so don’t be embarrassed. But I feel strongly about making my point. Do I have your permission to continue?”
I huffed out a long breath. “I’m halfway hard anyway so go for it.”
“Ethan, imagine being on top of Jude. You’ve prepped him and you’re aroused from just being with him. You gaze into his eyes, Ethan. What’s reflected back at you?”
“Love. He hasn’t said the words yet but neither have I. But his feelings are in his beautiful warm brown eyes. And the way he touches me, it’s all about his love.”
“Do you want to give yourself to him, Ethan?”
My eyes slid closed as I envisioned saying the words and then in slow increments, I push inside him. “Yes,” I whispered in a ragged breath.
“Would you hurt him, Ethan?”
