Except for anything having to do with automobiles. I’d received praise from the dean at the graduating ceremonies when I’d earned my college degree in automotive engineering with high honors. And again, in Italy, when I’d completed my certificate as a master mechanic at Maserati headquarters. Currently, praise for my accomplishments came from Frank and Artemis.
Other than work, until Frank took me home to meet his family I’d been starved for attention. And they’d been generous in making me feel wanted and loved. As for Jude, I was going to take him at his word regarding never returning to the Church.
Shaking myself, I cleared my head and went into the bathroom to freshen up. After I brushed my teeth and studied my reflection in the mirror, I saw self-criminating vestiges of being less than. But finally, after a solid ten minutes passed and I was only then leaving my apartment, I sent a quick text to Jude as I walked to the elevator. I was determined to begin our relationship with honesty.
Me: Running late. I got too much in my head over not being with a guy for so long. I don’t want to disappoint
I exited the building and hopped into my truck before reading Jude’s reply.
Jude: I don’t think either of us will disappoint. It’s been years for me, too. I understand your nervousness stems from trauma. But that fact doesn’t diminish that I’m also anxious. I just want to be with you, Ethan
I read the last line aloud. I imagined Jude’s soft voice as he declared his intention to me. And in it, there was the same loneliness that I lived with. The bereft sense of having no one to go home to at the end of the day.
Me: I’m on my way
I parked in one of the visitor spaces, and when I walked inside the lobby I went directly to the elevators, which werestraight ahead. I pressed the button for the fourth floor and found his room at the end of the corridor. Staring at the door, I took a deep breath; when I exhaled, the whoosh of air caught in my throat. “Fuck,” I sputtered, which caused another spasm of coughing. And then another, making me bend at the waist, my hands on my knees steadying my wracking body.Fuckingdammit.
The door opened slowly and I raised my eyes to see Jude, his forehead wrinkled in concern. Handing me a bottle of water with the cap already off, he directed, “Drink.”
I took a few long swallows, cleared my throat, and drank more. Then after wiping my wet eyes, I looked at Jude—and chuckled. “Not the entrance I envisioned.”
“Come inside,” Jude said, smiling.
The room turned out to be a studio apartment with a living area, mini kitchen, and separate dining area. A small office had been carved into the layout with a desk, chair, and even a two-drawer metal cabinet. On the other side of an archway was another door, which I assumed was the bedroom. “This is nice.”
“Yeah, and only a few more dollars than if I’d only gotten a single room,” Jude explained. “Plus, they have reasonable monthly rates in case I want to stay longer than a week.” He rubbed his nape roughly, as if agitated. “I want to get past the awkwardness.”
I thought a moment. “Do you want to hear more about the sperm-donor baby?”
“Sure,” he said and dropped to the sofa with his back to the arm so he was sitting sidewards, one leg curled under himself.
I sat at the other end, my arm over the back of the sofa and one leg bent at the knee on the cushion. “When I went to the clinic to donate my sperm, several men were in the waiting room, jittery like me, probably nervous if they could get it upand have an orgasm. I hadn’t thought about that part before I promised Gabby.”
Jude clasped his hand over his mouth, already trying to cover up his amusement. “What happened?”
“After all the paperwork was completed, a technician led me into a sterile room that was similar to an exam room in a doctor’s office, with a few extras. There was both a recliner and an exam table. Sexy magazines for both straight and gay men were scattered on a coffee table.
“Then she recited the directions she must’ve done a thousand times. ‘Here are the sterile gloves, and cup in which to put your sperm. When you’re finished, place the cup with your name on it on the shelf behind this door,’ which she indicated. ‘It’s natural to be anxious,’ she assured me. ‘To help get you to reach orgasm, there are several porn sites for whatever your sexual orientation is.’ She picked up a remote to a TV that I hadn’t even noticed and held it out for me.”
Jude was rocking back and forth with laughter and it was so good to know that we didn’t have to keep our voices down. “May I ask what you used as incentive?” he said.
All humor gone, I said honestly, “You.”
Jude stilled, his mouth parted on anOh. I wondered if I’d gone too far until he got up and walked closer. “May I sit next to you?”
I held out my arm and when he settled, I sighed with pleasure as I tugged Jude close into my side.
“Is this safe for you?” Jude asked.
“Hmm,” I hummed, appreciating his concern. “I’ve wanted this for a long time,” I confessed as I twirled Jude’s blond locks around my fingers.
“Over the last weeks, I didn’t think we’d have this either,” Jude admitted. As he tilted his head back, my hand slid to his face.
I outlined Jude’s high cheekbones with my fingers, then the straight nose and firm jaw, covered in a light stubble. I paused at his full lips. They were so tempting and I wanted to find out how they’d feel against mine. But I couldn’t take what wasn’t mine. Not ever again. I didn’t even believe I’d be good at kissing. Was there an elixir that would make me forget my past so I could enjoy this present moment?
“You’re thinking too hard,” Jude said and gently tightening his fingers around mine, he glossed them over his lips. Jude didn’t open his mouth. He just held my fingers in place even as they trembled. After a moment, Jude brought my palm to his mouth and kissed the soft pad. “It’s all right, Ethan. I want you to kiss me. It can be as sweet and chaste as you want. Please let me feel your lips on mine. I promise not to get carried away.”
At Jude’s permission, I lowered my mouth and placed the softest of kisses on his, then another. The next kiss lasted longer, sparking interest in my lower regions as my cock began to fill. Straightening to get a better angle, I pulled Jude up with me. “If I ask, will you let me in?”
