Finally, I said, “You look different out of your clerical clothes.”
“Better I hope?” Jude said and raised his laptop to give me a view of his jeans.
“Definitely,” I said appreciatively. Jude’s light-blue polo shirt was a complement to his earthy brown eyes and dark lashes. “You look younger… almost carefree. How are you doing?”
“I had an attack of nerves when Inés phoned this morning. I didn’t pick up because I feared that she’d already notified the bishop and she might’ve added him to the call.” Jude smiled at me but it didn’t reach his eyes. The slight smirk was genuine, which pleased me. “Listening to the phone continue to ring until it went to voicemail, I realized that I wasn’t beholden to anyone. And if I chose not to speak to a person, all I had to do was not pick up.”
“I’m proud of you, Jude. I can’t imagine what it must’ve felt like when the bishop suspended you.”
Jude’s voice dropped. “It confirmed that I was useless. Not me exactly, but my clerical duties meant nothing if I could be so easily replaced. I know everyone is expendable even at the highest levels of authority, and the hierarchy within the Roman Catholic Church is no different, right up to the Vatican and the Pope. But there has to be something to make my life meaningful, like being a master mechanic is for you.”
I decided that Jude was more beautiful than ever. And I believed his appearance had much to do with his newfound liberation. “So, I have news,” I declared, my face beaming.
Jude was in an armchair in what appeared to be the living area, his laptop balancing on his lap, much like mine. “Oh my God, I think I know. Last night, I couldn’t stop wondering if you donated the sperm.”
“I did and found out at dinner that it took and she’s pregnant,” I said, the words coming out in excited bursts. “She’s due around Valentine’s Day, and tomorrow she’s making her first appointment with the midwife.”
“Wow, she’s giving birth at home?” Jude asked.
“No, in the hospital. Being in her late thirties, the midwife suggested the safety of the hospital, where she’d have immediate medical help if she needed it.”
“You look enthralled, Ethan. I’m beyond happy for you.”
“Thank you. Frank and his wife kept thanking me, like I’d given them the stars. Which in a way, I guess I had.” My shoulders rose, proud of myself. “They’ve given up on her brother Teddy ever settling down and having children. He wanted a permanent relationship with a woman but would rather travel the world than be confined behind a picket fence.”
Jude and I were quiet for a bit and then I roamed my fingers over the laptop screen, outlining Jude’s face. “I believed that after the debacle at Mass, you’d given up on me. I’m still embarrassed when I think how erotic I felt being on my knees,” I said sadly, retracting my hand.
“I was the same, Ethan. Don’t beat yourself up. Seeing you sink down in front of me, all sense of morality and ethics gave way to desire. And for a flash, I was neither a priest nor in a church as my cock hardened.” Jude locked gazes with me. “As sorry as I am for losing control of my body, I’m not sorry about what I felt for you, Ethan. What I still feel.”
“I hadn’t thought I’d ever touch a man again,” I said, my fingers itching to be on Jude in person. “But I think I want to try with you.”
Jude’s face looked hopeful when he sucked in a breath and asked, “Are you saying that you want to meet?”
“Yes,” I said. “Don’t you think we’re beyond the confines of the confessional?”
“We have been for a while now,” Jude said thoughtfully. “I just had to make a move.”
“And now you have. Come to my apartment.”
“No, Ethan. Not for the first time after I…”
Jude didn’t have to finish the sentence. I understood that he was embarrassed about his previous behavior. “Where are you staying?”
“La Quinta Inn at Long Beach Airport. I’m on the top floor, room 428.”
“Got it,” I said as I put the hotel in the GPS on my phone.
“When?” Jude asked, the one word catching in his throat.
There was a beat as I caught Jude’s gaze, “Are you sure there’s no going back for you?”
“Ethan, I wouldn’t agree to see you if I wasn’t sure.” Jude sat forward on his chair and raised the laptop so he was eye to eye with me. “Please have faith in me.”
I stared into his soft brown orbs. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
Jude smiled and yet, his eyes misted. “I’ll be waiting.”
We disconnected at the same time and I closed my laptop. Adjusting the recliner to a sitting position, I paused to check in with myself. Was I ready tobewith Jude? Actual fucking was out of the question. But was I ready to kiss? Make out? The one thing I was grateful for was that in my previous sexual life with Thorne and the Dom before him, cuddling, kissing, fondling… those intimacies were off-limits. I’d get on all fours and Thorne fucked me hard. The only time we faced each other during sex was when Thorne fucked my mouth. I never had anyone treat me like I was a worthwhile person.
