“Try not to feel so desolate,” Andrew encouraged. “I commend you for calling me instead of flogging yourself.”
“I was close. I literally felt the leather handle in my palm. But I guess it’s like trying to stay sober, right?”
“I think that’s a good analogy. One day at a time and in this instance, I’m acting as your sponsor, the person you call when you’re on the ledge.”
I stroked the steering wheel with my index finger. “How do I move forward again?”
“Ethan, you never went back,” Andrew said, immediately.
“I freaked, Andrew. I kicked him out of my house without letting him explain. His face was tortured when I refused to listen to him.”
“Ethan, hang up and call me back on video.”
I did as Andrew instructed. “I must look like shit.”
“I want to see your face so I know you’re absorbing what I’m going to say to you. Are you ready?”
I nodded, then added courteously, “Yes, I’m listening.”
“Good.” Andrew huffed out a breath. “Ethan, first of all, you let him come and see you. Second, you stood up for yourself. Third, you called him out on his actions. And lastly, you told him to leave whenhis actions”—Andrew put emphasis on the words— “triggered you. Again, Ethan, his actions were what triggeredthe past for you. I wouldn’t suggest any other way you could’ve handled the situation.”
My voice dropped low. “I miss him, Andrew. I’m so sorry I won’t be seeing him anymore.”
“I can imagine, Ethan. From what you’ve said in our sessions, you felt that your friendship was building into something more.”
“He even referred to himself as being the baby’s uncle,” I said woefully.
“Now that you’ve had time to think it over, do you want an explanation from him?” Andrew asked gently.
“I do because I’m worried about his mental health.” Lifting my chin toward Andrew, I said, “I can call you on a Saturday evening. And I just realized I screwed your date night. Again.”
“Giving you an emergency number is on me. And I’m glad you used it. I’d rather shift around my night a little than have you hurt yourself. I’m so proud of you, Ethan. You need to take a deep look into all that you’ve accomplished since we’ve started working together.”
“I’ll try,” I said, but my mind was elsewhere. “Andrew, if you called the parish office, they should be able to give you information on him, right?”
Andrew gestured to himself. “Me?”
“I can’t. What if Jude is still there and he picks up?”
Andrew shook his head in defeat. “I’ll call on Monday and send you a text if I get an answer. But don’t get your hopes up. Depending on the circumstances behind his departure?—”
“I told you. I think he told them,” I interrupted.
“Yes, but I’m wondering why. I might be very wrong, Ethan, but I find it hard to believe that a priest is allowed to just leave. Maybe byleaving, he meant they’re going to transfer him. I imagine an unexpected transfer would create a lot of paperwork and if it’s similar to the process of laicization, the request has to go through the Ecclesiastical Council.”
I slapped my forehead with my hand. “Fuck, I’ve been so emotionally strung out, I hadn’t worked all that out. But you’re right. Now I really feel like a fool for shutting him down.”
“Ethan,” Andrew barked, sharp enough to get my attention. “You had every right to be strung out. Don’t second guess your initial reactions to him. You were spot-on. Being the generous, kind man you are, you tend to take on everyone else’s problems but you have to also know when to call on self-preservation. Do you get what I’m saying?”
“I do,” I said.
“Before I get off, is there anything else you need from me to get you through tonight and tomorrow?”
“No, Andrew, I don’t think so.”
“On a level of one to ten, how much do you want to flog yourself?”
“Honestly, ten,” I admitted.
