I couldn’t look at Ethan as I crossed over the threshold and into the corridor. The door slammed behind me, making my heart thump uncontrollably. I somehow made it to my car and back to the rectory. Once inside, I called my standby for Mass.
“You sound terrible,” Father Greg said. “Bishop Sanchez told me that I’m needed. But he didn’t say for how long.”
“I’m not sure. Thank you, Greg.” I wanted to tell him how much I appreciated his willingness to take over my masses on short notice, but my throat was too dry to say more.
Next, I sent a text to Inés to let her know about the change and also instructed her to forward any church calls to her phone.As for my parents, the bishop, or Father Matthew… if they called, they’d have to wait.
Instead of tossing my cell phone on the bed, I hurled it against the wall before a howling cry of despair came from deep inside as I shrieked, “What have I done?”
When my outburst stopped echoing around me, I slid down the wall, collapsed onto the floor in a heap, and let the tears fall.
ELEVEN
ETHAN
After I kicked Jude out,my heart took long minutes before the beating attained a normal rhythm. The only alcohol I ever had in my apartment was beer. But if I ever desired a shot of whiskey, it was now. Instead, I grabbed a bottle of beer with shaky hands from the refrigerator, twisted the cap off, and took a long pull.
I was still angry, but my emotions were down to a simmer as I replayed the events, still somewhat in disbelief. The man who’d come in and lunged at me demanding to be kissed wasn’t the priest that I was getting to know. At the same time, I had been horny the last two times I saw him in the confessional, and I groaned when I recalled that I’d instigated Jude’s building passion.
Most of all, I regretted what happened at Mass. I remembered walking up the aisle toward the altar. There were a lot of people, and I was last in line, having decided at the last moment to receive communion. I only wanted him to be close enough to touch without a wooden barrier separating us, likein the confessional. But as his long fingers wrapped around the chalice and his head bowed over each parishioner, there was a sensual grace about him. All I thought of was being on my knees in front of this beautiful man, desiring him.
I never thought my repressed emotions would ignite an explosion of our shared feelings in public. Much less turn the sacrament of Mass into something sexual. Yet, I’d been impotent to change the outcome. In the aftermath, I’d raced down the aisle and didn’t stop until I was out of the church and back in my truck.
The more I scrutinized the last few times we’d met, I realized I was just as responsible for the mutual flirting and sexual chemistry between us. What I still couldn’t understand was Jude’s total loss of self-control. I felt bad when Jude begged to explain. I would’ve given him a chance if his unsolicited behavior hadn’t triggered mild PTSD that took me back to Napa, and the rape.
Jude hadn’t been a physical threat to me and yet, his behavior triggered the sordidness of feeling used. With Luca, I had gone beyond a threat—the reason why I hadn’t been able to touch another man since that day. The shadow of my trauma had kept me celibate. Until Jude. Except, now the priest had me back in the gloomy interior of guilt.
My gaze drifted to the closet where I kept the impact tools—three floggers, a cane, and a paddle. I pictured them and knew which one I’d use. The cowhide flogger made with thin falls and sterling silver beads on the ends that resembled pin cushions. That one gave me a painful sting. The marks left were long-lasting.
Hawk jumped into my mind. Except for the one time that I’d lacerated my ass cheeks, I’d never cheated again. Having dodged a bullet in that Hawk never found out, I hadn’t wanted to test thetheory again. Sparring with Hawk kept me grounded, an outlet to release endorphins, and I didn’t want to give it up.
But the events of the night were pushing me to my limits as my mind warred with my willpower. I itched to have the flogger in hand, my fingers combing through the falls. I imagined getting in position, then a swift arc of my arm and the falls landing, eliciting a moan on the tail of the bliss of pain.
I jumped up from my bed, grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone and called Andrew’s emergency number. The therapist picked up on the third ring.
“Ethan, where are you?”
“In my truck trying to figure where I can go and talk,” I said, my voice raspy. “I don’t want to beat myself, Andrew.”
“All right, hang on.” A minute later, he said, “Ethan, are you with me?”
“Yes, I’m heading east on Ocean.”
“Good, you’re coming up on Vons.”
“Yeah, in my sights.” Vons was a chain grocery store with a huge parking lot that bordered Ocean only blocks from my apartment complex. I drove as far as I could from the entrance, where there were only a handful of cars. Then I backed into a space so I could see if anyone approached me. I cut the engine. “I’m parked.”
“Good. Breathing exercise first for twenty seconds,” he said and did the count for me. When we were done, he said, “Tell me what happened.”
I began with Jude texting to see me and then the events when he showed up. “I didn’t know what to make of it, Andrew. He was like a crazed man. Consequently, him in a frenzy and then pushing himself on me sent me right back to Napa. But this time, I was the victim. The target of someone wanting to use my body without consent.”
“I can see how that would be a trigger,” Andrew said slowly.
“What made it worse was that he’s leaving the Church. He admitted that if he told me beforehand, I wouldn’t have had sex with him.”
“Ethan,” Andrew asked, “Have you told him that you haven’t been with anyone in seven years.”
“I did tonight. Honestly, I thought I had before. But maybe it was one of those times when we got interrupted and then I forgot to. Either way, I’m not sure the knowledge would’ve made a difference.”
