“I wanted to talk to Mamma—and you, if you’d been here—about being a sperm donor,” I said, not ready to rehash the conversation. “I still haven’t decided but I promised Gabby that I’d tell her and Belle tomorrow. Mamma will fill you in.”
Mamma asked her husband, “How was Teddy when you dropped him off?”
“Like a man in love,” Frank said and reached over to give his wife a peck on the lips.
Mamma shifted in her seat, squeezed Frank’s lips together, and gave him a smooch. “This Ethan…” she said, giving her husband’s chin a little shake. “This is what love looks like. We were fortunate to have a beautiful son and daughter. But even if we hadn’t, we’d still be here together.”
I pushed to my feet, then took the cup to the sink and rinsed it. I kissed Mamma’s cheek and patted Frank’s back. “And once I get out of here, you’ll have the whole house to yourself.”
“Are you coming back for Sunday dinner?” Mamma asked.
Frank leaned in and whispered in Mamma’s ear. Whatever he said made her blush. She didn’t reply in words but her adoring look said it all.
“Grazie, Mamma, but not today. You and Frank enjoy your evening alone.” I threw them a kiss and left through the mudroom and garage.
I was edgy, a nervousness that grew as I drove home. I thought about Frank murmuring in Mamma’s ear. Their love, even after thirty-five years of marriage, still shone in her eyes whenever she looked at Frank. Their beginning had been rocky. Mamma had been two months pregnant when they exchanged vows. More than once, when Gabby went to her with problems with Belle, Mamma would remind her how she was a surprise baby, the best kind of surprise. Nonetheless, she and Frank hadto figure out how to adapt to the unexpected birth, in addition to staying strong against family members that hadn’t approved. But they’d made it work and Gabby still remained tight with her parents, particularly her mother.
Mamma and Frank’s happy ending brought Jude to mind. I recalled reading on the church’s website that on the first Sunday of each month there was a High Mass in Latin at eleven. The time on the dashboard read ten forty. I had just enough time to get there and hoped I’d find a parking space. I wasn’t that fortunate and drove around the same handful of blocks for ten minutes before I snatched one.
The church bells had chimed already, signaling the start of the service. I slipped inside and stood against the wall with other people who’d been late and hadn’t snagged a seat. However, what immediately made my mouth drop open with astonishment was Jude singing the refrain of the Gloria accompanied by organ music coming from the balcony.
I hadn’t heard the hymn since I’d been an altar boy, but I’d always felt eerily special, as if the joyful declaration of God’s glory would make him look down on me with favor. To hear Jude’s powerful voice, which was equally rich and warm, and see his blissful expression as he raised his face upward to the vaulted ceiling… The sight weakened my knees and suddenly made me doubt that Jude would ever leave the Church. I’d never heard, or seen, a more stunning tribute to God.
The song ended and Jude lowered his eyes to the congregation as he recited the opening prayer. Normally, I would’ve telepathically sought out his gaze but instead, I backed into the corner and slightly behind the man next to me. As soon as the prayer was finished, I waited until Jude turned to the altar and then I slipped out the same way I’d crept in.
The following Friday I didn’t go to confession. As much as I desperately wanted to see Jude, I lost courage. After tellingGabby and Belle that I’d be their sperm donor, I knew my life had taken a different trajectory. Even though I had no legal rights to be the baby’s father, the women had both agreed that they’d be the baby’s mom and mama, and I’d be the baby’s papa from day one.
I was scared shitless just thinking about being someone’s papa, but no one else in the Cattaneo family had an issue with it. On the contrary, in the hopes that I was going to deliver good news on Monday, Mamma had prepared a celebratory dinner. Even Teddy offered his congratulations by video chat from Oxford.
Saturday morning marked one week since I’d seen Jude. Upon waking at an ungodly hour, I gave in to my desire. By seven I was sitting in my truck with my eyes closed and a compilation of soft rock music playing from my cell phone. I was an hour early. Even earlier considering I didn’t get in line until near the end. But I didn’t mind. This was an alternative to sitting in an empty apartment. Maybe I’d catch a glimpse of Jude as he walked from the rectory to the church. However, nature had its own plans as minutes later, my head lolled to the side and I fell asleep…
TEN
JUDE
I kept peekingto see if Ethan had arrived and ashamedly, paid hardly any attention to the woman confessing her sins; the same ones she professed every week regarding habitual gossiping. I’d been surprised that Ethan hadn’t shown up the previous day. I’d been close to sending him a text to find out why. But then I decided we weren’t at that point in our friendship to be questioning each other’s whereabouts.
“Father Jude,” the woman said, irritation in her voice.
I had the feeling that she might’ve said my name more than once. “Sorry, Mrs. Clementi, I’m feeling under the weather,” I lied and then made the sign of the cross. “Go in peace.”
“Aren’t you giving me penance?” the woman asked, almost as if she’d been ignored.
“Mrs. Clementi, I think your patience with me not being one hundred percent is penance enough, don’t you think?”
The woman giggled, although I wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe because I’d asked for her opinion?
“Yes, Father Jude,” she said and cracked the door only enough to look out. “Oh good, Father Jude, you only have one more person waiting. Feel better.” With a wave, she left.
As Ethan approached the confessional, she patted his arm and whispered loud enough for me to hear. “Make it quick. Father’s not feeling well.”
“You’re sick? I can leave,” Ethan offered.
“No,” I blurted out a little too loud. Quieting my voice, I said, “No, please. I’ve missed you.”
Once Ethan was fully inside the confessional and sank down on the chair, I noticed that he was worn out. “I’m fine. I might’ve told a small white lie when I was more interested in watching for your arrival than in hearing her confession. But areyouall right? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
Ethan shrugged. “Other than the power nap I took in my truck before I came inside, I haven’t really.”
