Feeling thoroughly dejected, I planned to go to Mass but instead I found myself calling Mamma and asking if I could stop by for coffee. She’d been enthusiastic and told me the espresso was simmering so hurry on over.
When Mamma opened the door to me, she kissed both cheeks and led me into the kitchen. As I followed her through the rooms scanning the study, family room, and patio, I asked, “Where’s Frank?”
“He left about an hour ago to pick Teddy up and then drive him to the airport.”
“Oh, that’s right. Teddy’s off to Oxford. What else is new? Next, he’s going to tell us that he’s moving there.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” she said coyly. Then Mamma turned away from the espresso machine and gave me a shrewd smile, her brown eyes bright. “He’s been invited to give talks at Oxford on…” She pressed her index finger to her lips. “Something about Italian politics in the new age. But really, he’s been invited more times than I would’ve imagined possible for a professor who lives across the ocean.”
“Who’s the woman, again?”
“Signorina Maria Trucillito, a professor of Italian literature,” she said, sending me a wink.
I laughed. “No wonder you’re excited. Have they been keeping in touch all year?”
Mamma nodded very emphatically.
“Why didn’t I know anything about this?” I asked as I took the proffered demitasse cup from her.
“No one did,” she huffed and then grinned. “Teddy only told me when I pressured him for answers. Franco kept telling me to leave the boy alone. But I have a good feeling about this.”
“You would know, Mamma,” I said. My mouth turned downward as I fingered the paper napkin.
I was kind of glad that Mamma and I were alone. I loved the heck out of Frank but the fact that he was my boss at work made me a bit reticent to being completely open. On the other hand, with Mamma it was hard not to spill my guts.
“Parlami, figliolo,” she pleaded, her voice soft. I loved that she spoke the words in their native tongue.
She’d asked me to talk to her as a son, so I did. All my pent-up feelings from the night before came tumbling out. “Mamma, I can’t be the sperm donor for Gabby. I love her and would do anything to help save her marriage. But not this. If they use my sperm, the baby gets my genes and I don’t want to pass them down. I’m not a good person so what kind of father would I be? My parents were distant and I wouldn’t want that for a child. And then…” Dragging my hands through my hair, I recalled all the ugly things I’d done to others while I was under Thorne’s control—to myself. If I couldn’t keep myself safe, then how would I keep a child safe?
Mamma stood and stepped around the table. She pulled a chair out and angled the position so when she sat, she was facing me. Her wrinkles were prominent and the bags under hereyes seemingly darker. She didn’t look happy and I expected the worse from her. Maybe she’d tell me that I was right, that I wasn’t good enough. The baby wouldn’t be just any child; he or she would be her grandchild.
“Mio figliolo,” she said and then, “my son,” repeating the endearment in English even though she knew damn well that I understood her dialect. Taking one of my hands, she squeezed fiercely. “There is only one question you have to answer.”
“Wh-what?” I stammered.
“Do you want the baby? As a part-time father or uncle or however Gabby and Belle set up the relationship between you, them, and the baby.”
“I-I… Mamma, I just told you all the reasons I can’t.”
She dropped my hand and poked at my chest over my heart. “In here, Ethan. Put aside all the reasons you think you’re not good enough. Please,figliolo, just answer the question.”
Tears stung at the back of my eyes, and it took me a few moments before I admitted, “Yes.” I shook my head and then faced Mamma. “I’ve always wanted to have my own family, despite my own childhood. But I didn’t know what it would look like. And then you and Franco took me in as your own and for the first time in my life, I witnessed what being a family was all about. The closeness and love even at work. Artemis treats all of his employees like kin. I tell Franco to sit down when I see his leg bothers him and he barks at me to pay attention to what I’m doing. But then he does as I asked and I feel like it’s a huge win because he knows I care about his pain and I want to ease it.”
“I’ll let you in on a secret,” Mamma interrupted. “Every time you make him get off his feet, he comes home and tells me what a good man you are. Always looking out for him. And how you extend your selflessness to your co-workers. No one is as talented a mechanic as you at Drakos dealership, but you neverbrag. You only do your job and help out when you can without expecting any glory.”
“Mamma, this isn’t a car. We’re talking about a baby.”
She let out a soft laugh. “We are. But Ethan, you’re not the person you think you are. You sit for hours watching baseball with Franco and Teddy even though you could care less about the game. When my mother was in the hospital, you’d visit and read to her in Italian. Most of all, you love Gabby like a sister.” Mamma’s voice grew serious. “From what you’ve said about your parents, you never knew what love was. And maybe when you were with Thorne and went to Napa is because you were desperate for someone to love you.”
I nodded furiously as tears tracked down my cheeks because she was right. That’s exactly how Thorne manipulated me.
“But that wasn’t you, Ethan. The man sitting here in my kitchen asking for my advice is the Ethan that I love as much as my own son. So, you listen to me,figliolo. If you don’t want to bring a child into the world, then don’t. Gabby and Belle will have to make their marriage work. If they can’t, that’s on them. What they’ve asked of you is huge, Ethan. But…” she stroked my cheek. “If you want to be the sperm donor, I’d feel fortunate that my grandchild inherits your genes. In the end,mio figliolo, do what makes you happy. No one else. Because that’s what you deserve.”
I swiped at my watery eyes and rasped out. “Grazie, Mamma.”
Mamma and I both turned toward the entry to the kitchen from the mudroom when we heard uneven footfalls and knew it was Frank.
A moment later, he came into the kitchen and rested his cane against the wall before he clapped me on the shoulder and then did the same to Mamma before he poured himself a cup of café.“Good to see you, Ethan, but you usually aren’t here on a Sunday morning. Is everything all right?”
