I was reaching the end of my comportment. “Bishop Sanchez said you shouldn’t be speaking to her about my issues without my knowledge.”
“She called me,” he said, trying for innocence. “Such a lovely woman. She only wants the best for you.”
As Father Matthew went on to praise my mother, I set the timer on my phone for one second. When it went off, I said, “Father Matthew, I have to go.” I didn’t explain why and the priest didn’t ask.
“Very well, Father. Keep praying.”
When the call disconnected, I wanted to smash the phone into a million pieces. I wasn’t a violent man by any means but I was losing my emotional grip on the situation. Using the excuse that my mother called him was bullshit. All the priest had to do was explain to my mother that the bishop had said he couldn’t interfere with family affairs. God forbid. That would mean Matthew wouldn’t be privy to everything that went down between me and my parents.
I ran up the stairs to the rectory door and unlocked it, my hands shaking. I had an appointment with a member from the summer children’s playground committee in an hour. I knew there was no way I’d be able to speak rationally or think clearly. I sent a text to the woman with my apologies that I wasn’t feeling well. She replied right away with a message to feel better.
Once inside, I deadbolted the front door so Inés wouldn’t come in and then sent a text to her that the meeting was canceled. I walked through to my bedroom, slamming that door behind me. Then I tore off the collar and undressed, placing the clothes haphazardly over the chair in my room. Dropping onto the bed, I lay down on my back.What’s happening to me? I felt overwhelmed and the thought that the bishop might turn down my petition made me physically sick.
Closing my eyes, I took in a few deep breaths, let them out, and my slightly calmer mind drifted to Ethan. I turned my head to the empty side of the bed and wondered what it would be like if the beautiful man was next to me. Would we be holdinghands? Would Ethan shift onto his side so he could speak soothing words in my ear. What would he be wearing? Briefs like me or would he be fully naked? Would he be touching me? And if so, where?
My cock thickened. The more I envisioned Ethan next to me, my semi-hard shaft began to throb. When it poked through the slit in my briefs, I fantasized Ethan rubbing his thumb over the drops of precum that bubbled on the head.
I was so very tempted to take my fantasy further. To allow visions of Ethan kneeling at my feet while he swallowed my cock in one graceful slide. But I couldn’t. Not tonight right after having the phone call with Father Matthew, and the possibility of having to remain a priest. I wasn’t in the right headspace even if I was leaking all over his sheets. Fuck, I was going crazy with need.
Jumping off the bed, I ran into the shower and turned on the cold water. I didn’t even bother taking off my briefs until my cock shrank in the frigid temperature. Tossing them in the sink, I adjusted the water to warm and scrubbed myself with fierceness, as if trying to scrub myself clean of thoughts about Ethan. Then I immediately wondered why. Ethan was the only good thing in my life. Whether I’d walk away from the Church without the Pope’s blessing, I wasn’t sure. And I’d be as transparent with Ethan as he’d been to me. Because one thing I knew with certainty: I wasn’t ready to give him up.
The next morning, after each penitent left the confessional, I peeked through the lattice window in the doorway to see if Ethan had showed up. As nine thirty neared, I began to doubt his appearance. And then there was a deafening thwack that reverberated in the vaulted space as Ethan made a hasty appearance.
“Sorry,” he whispered even before he entered the confessional and sat down, panting. “I didn’t mean to let the door slam.”
“Ethan, it’s okay. I’m glad you made it.”
Ethan let his lungs fill with air and then meeting my gaze, he murmured, “Me, too. I was worried I wouldn’t make it in time.”
“What happened?” I asked.
Ethan shrugged. “Nothing really. It’s just that I slept like shit. At five o’clock, I finally got out of bed. Stayed up awhile. Made a cup of tea. And then at six, I stretched out on my sofa and didn’t wake up until after eight.”
I smiled to myself at Ethan’s use ofshit. I liked that he was comfortable enough to say it in casual conversation in front of me. I couldn’t get over how startling green Ethan’s eyes were against his dark skin and long ebony lashes, the same color of his wavy locks. “You’re beautiful.”
Ethan appeared confused for an instant, as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. “Oh…um, do you mean me?”
Ethan’s comment confirmed my assumption. Hadn’t anyone ever told him that he was stunningly beautiful? “Yes, Ethan, I meant you.” I took a beat and then said, “You asked me what I’m looking for between us.”
Ethan held up his hand. “Before you say anything, and my apology for interrupting you, but I meant to mention this last week. Whatever you tell me, Jude is in strict confidence. I would never repeat anything to anyone.”
“Thank you, Ethan. I knew that already. I just wasn’t ready last week.” My upper body raised up as I sucked in air. “Three months ago, I sent a petition to the bishop, which hopefully will be forwarded to the Vatican, requesting a withdrawal of my status as a priest.” I stopped, letting Ethan digest the information.
“Does that mean that you want to leave the Church altogether?” he asked, not quite showing the shock I’d expected. “I mean, how does the process work? As a priest you take vows.”
I appreciated that Ethan asked for details, a trait which probably was one of the reasons he was a master class mechanic. “The process is called a laicization, which effectively returns me to the status of a layman. I’m relieved of the vows I took as well as my clerical duties. In my case, any responsibilities I have as pastor of a congregation. However, in the eyes of the Church I’ll still be considered a priest. Once ordained, a priest doesn’t lose the title. Which is kind of ironic, since I lose my religious powers to give the sacraments. I’d be known as a laicized priest.”
Ethan’s brow burrowed deep, causing his eyes to crinkle at the edges. “This is a big deal.”
“Yes,” I agreed solemnly. “I’ve been unhappy for five years and took the last three deliberating the pros and cons before I went ahead with the petition. And then you came into the church and showed up at my confessional.” I locked gazes with Ethan. “I knew without doubt that I made the right decision. Not that you should feel obligated in any way. I just would like to know you better.”
Ethan looked away, then back again. “I’m not crazy about being a guinea pig but like my therapist said, you’re safe with me. I won’t take advantage in any way, including sexually. There are guys who’ll just want your body because you’re…” Ethan waved his hand up and down, gesturing to my face and body. “You’re gorgeous.”
“I’m also trained as a boxer,” I said, smirking. “They might not see that coming if they get handsy.”
“I don’t want anyone getting handsy with you,” Ethan blurted, concern etched on his face. But he immediately realized the mistake of his comment. “I don’t mean to demean yourability to fend for yourself, Jude. You’d just know that you’re safe with me.”
“The downside is,” I stated, “like you said last week, your heart is the one on the line. Do you need time to think more about our…mysituation? We’ll have to contain our meetings to right here until I receive an update from the bishop. I don’t want to risk meeting elsewhere until we’re both sure that we want more.”
