Gabby shook her head and when she held out the bundle for Ethan to take from her, I made my getaway. I didn’t know how I navigated the corridors and doorways, trying frantically to find an elevator or stairwell. Anything to get me out of there. Fucking finally, I yanked open the door to the stairs and raced down, holding on to the railing with two hands as I tripped and stumbled down to the ground floor. I raced toward the exit and out to the parking deck.
My phone chirped with an incoming text and I ignored it. I had to keep moving in case Ethan came after me. My heart raced as fast as my mind and my adrenalin was making me almost dizzy. But I got to my car and threw it into Drive, almost crashing into a pole as I rounded a bend in the road too fast.
Once off hospital property, I drove only a few blocks before I had to pull over before my breakdown overtook me. I made a sharp right turn, not even looking to see if the lane next to me was clear. It wasn’t, and some angry woman lowered her window to curse at me. I deserved it.
I slid into the first parking space I saw in the strip mall. My phone alerted me to another text and right after, the ringtone I’d assigned for Ethan’s ring. When his photo popped up, I erupted into sobs. I had to fucking stop the ringing. But my fucking fingers refused to work.
Ringing.
Ringing.
Finally, I powered down the wretched device. The ringing stopped and silence set in. In the quiet of an early winter sunset, I knew I’d made the right decision to take off. I wasn’t disappointed in Ethan not giving me a second look when Gabby held the infant out to him. He was enthralled. Beguiled by a little girl whose name I might never know. But disappointment consumed me that of all people, Mamma hadn’t drawn me into their ring of family. I thought we’d gotten close over the last seven months. Apparently, I’d been fooling myself.
Run away. Escape. Flee. Different words for the same cowardly way I’d ended what could’ve been a beautiful relationship with the only person who’d ever loved me completely for who I was. I fucking swear I felt my face drop when I thought about how smug my parents and Father Matthew would be that I didn’t get the guy after all. I didn’t think Bishop Sanchez would be happy at my loss. He’d suggested that I put God’s love to good use. The thing was, I didn’t feel any love from anyone except Ethan. I felt his love deep inside, where it would reside forever. If I returned right now, he’d open his arms for me, telling me how worried he’d been. And I’d assuage his concern, kiss his creased brow, and tell him that I had only needed a little time. But when he’d offer for me to hold his sweet bundle, I’d reject her. I wasn’t mature enough or capable of providing the unconditional love that Ethan would shower on her.
I gripped the steering wheel and thumped my forehead against it. Yeah, I was a fucking coward. I ran away from the Church rather than stick my time out until my laicization was denied. I ran away tonight rather than support the man I loved. Or maybe, I didn’t really love him. Clearly, not enough if I couldrun out on him. And I attempted to soothe my guilt by thinking of him being able to rely on Frank and Mamma.
If I had stayed in the maternity room, would he have changed his mind about adopting the baby? That was a fucking hard no. He would have asked what he could do to make the situation easier for me. That’s why he was an incredible caretaker. My Daddy. I wanted to say that he wasn’t my Daddy any longer but that would never be true. His role in my life would never go away, even if we were apart. In time, the grief would lessen to a level that I’d be able to think about him without tear-filled eyes.
“Why!” I screamed inside my vehicle much like Ethan had done in front of the rectory. I wasn’t even sure what I was asking. And now, here I was venting my frustration and loss by yelling into the night sky. No amount of screaming was going to make me feel human. Plus, more importantly, what next? I started the car but didn’t know where to go. For starters, I had to find a hotel for the night. I decided driving south to San Diego was just as good as anywhere else.
I drove an hour or more but when my driving became erratic, I knew I couldn’t go on. My bouts of tears kept falling. So, when the exit for Oceanside came up, I veered off the highway. Being the location of the Marine base for Camp Pendleton, I figured there would be a variety of options. As expected, I spotted the Harbor Inn & Suites Oceanside with signage that advertised,Cheapest Rates in the County. After parking my car in one of the spaces dedicated for guests, I wiped my face with my shirtsleeve and ran my fingers through my hair to put it in some semblance of order. I went inside to the reservation desk where within minutes, a clerk handed me the key card for my room.
I thanked her and turned toward the exit, noticing my surroundings. The shabby lobby was in dire need of updating and fresh paint. Food stains and God only knew what else splattered the upholstered furniture in the lobby. The area rugscouldn’t have been vacuumed in days, and I almost changed my mind about staying. The rooms had to be in the same state. As long as there were no roaches, I could deal. I was saving a lot of money. So much so that I had rented the room for three nights.
Shuddering, I exited and relocated my car outside my room, one of about forty that were stacked one over the other and all facing the parking lot. My room was on the second level, much to my preference. When I’d packed my belongings into the trunk of my car, I’d purposely kept an overnight duffle bag aside to fill with basic toiletries and two changes of clothes for when I was on the road. I’d never been so glad for my foresight as right then.
After locking my car, I steeled myself and hanging my computer case over my shoulder, I snatched the duffle bag and climbed the stairs. My room was the first one to the right. I shut my eyes, trying not to imagine what I was going to see. Taking another breath, I used the key card and pushed the door open. The room was in darkness, the blackout curtains closed, and if the area had been infested, the buggers would’ve scattered with the influx of light from the overhead bulbs.
So far nothing made me run. The biggest test other than roaches was the hygiene of the bathroom. I stepped inside, cringing. The bathtub featured rust stains around the drain and chipped enamel. But thankfully, the sink had the odor of disinfectant, as did the toilet bowl. I wanted to laugh at myself. At sixty-nine dollars per night, what the fuck was I expecting? Certainly not the clean lines and aesthetics of Ethan’s condo. We’d taken advantage of the jetted tub at least once a week and the walk-in enclosed shower fit both of us. He’d told me that when he started working at the Maserati dealership, his bedroom was the first overhaul. Little by little he’d replaced all his secondhand furniture with an eclectic mix of traditional and mid-century modern. We’d used the loungers on his balcony practically every night when the weather was nice and a fewtimes even when it was raining, since the patio above kept us dry.
My last thought had me running from the bathroom so I wouldn’t scream at myself in the mirror. Had I made the stupidest fucking mistake of my life? I was in love with the man. Yet, here I was in room that smelled of mildew and tobacco, despite signs that read,No Smoking.
I needed to lay down before I collapsed from emotional fatigue. But germaphobe that I was, I lifted a corner of the mattress, inspecting for bed bugs. None. The cotton-covering was worn but not outright dirty. I’d have to leave the maid a generous tip. I also had to turn my phone on and check my messages. I thought about the time when Ethan took off. We were a fucked pair when it came to running but I refused to keep him worrying when he was supposed to be happy. And maybe he was.
Piling three pillows behind my back, I powered my phone on where a string of messages showed on the screen. I’d save Ethan’s for last. The first was from Mamma.
Mamma: I am so sorry, Jude. I ignored you. We all did. And then you were gone. Please, I have no excuse except I hadn’t expected Gabby to immediately hand the baby off to Ethan which probably hurt you to watch. I don’t know why I reacted like I did, because we’ve gotten close over the months. I hope you can forgive me and come back to us. Love, Mamma
Her second text was a picture of Ethan holding the baby.
Mamma: Jude, look at Ethan’s face. This was taken after he came back from looking for you. When he saw you were gone, he went into a panic, blaming himself
I didn’t have to look deeply to see exactly what Mamma described. He had the same devastated look of despair in his eyes. Eyes that were almost black instead of their emerald green. I didn’t want to study the baby too closely, but it was hard not to when Ethan seemed to be posing her for Mamma. She was so tiny, and I wondered when she was a few months older what characteristics she’d inherit from Ethan. Even the color of her skin tone was difficult to make out clearly. If nothing else, I hoped she’d get his green eyes.
I went to the next one, skipping over Ethan’s.
Frank: Jude, where are you? You should be here with us. I don’t know what happened because Ethan refuses to say, but whatever problems between you can be worked out. Please come back to Ethan… to us
Frank’s text was touching. And one thing became apparent: In falling in love with Jude, I also had a found family who truly missed me. I was surprised to see a text from Gabby. We spoke easily enough, and I saw her at Sunday dinners, however we’d never really bonded, a by-product of the baby.
Gabby: My parents and Ethan are blaming themselves. But it was me. I want you to understand why I handed the baby off so quick. I couldn’t keep holding her. Knowing that I’m not keeping her, I had to know if Ethan was going to adopt her. The only time I take her is when she needs a feeding. Please try to understand. I couldn’t stand having her in my arms. I wish you’d come back. Ethan’s shattered and left soon after Mamma took the photo. He loves you, Jude
I appreciated Gabby’s explanation because it softened my resentment toward her. Emotions were high for all of them. In watching Gabby hold out the baby to Ethan, Mamma and Frank also had to have been in shock in the moment. They’d hoped beyond hope that when Gabby laid eyes on her child, she’d change her mind about adoption. From their perspective their sole focus was on what was happening between their daughter and granddaughter. As it should’ve been. And I began to see a horrid thread that weaved through the texts. I was a selfish bastard who saw everything through my personal lens, an admission that had me petrified to open Ethan’s texts. And so, I stared with shaking hands for long minutes at the beginning lines before I had the courage to open them.
Ethan: I had a dreadful feeling since we heard news that Gabby was in labor that you were already out of my life. But then I’d remind myself of the promise we made. You promised, Jude, that when the time came, you’d say goodbye. I’m so angry that you took off. I swear that when Gabby held the baby out to me, I was stunned and it took a few minutes to process because I still hadn’t decided about adopting her. I wanted to talk to you now that she was born. And then I turned around and you weren’t fucking there. I can’t trust that you won’t run every time something happens. And I hate that I fucking love you so damn much. I don’t know what to do, Jude. I can’t stand the idea of losing you. Yet, how am I going to let my daughter be adopted by someone else?
Ethan: At least give me the courtesy of telling me that you’re okay. It’s obvious I don’t understand the extent of your fears. So tell me what they are, Jude. I won’t decide about the baby until we talk because I don’t want to fucking lose you. I’m not going to work tomorrow in the hopes you’ll see me. All my love. Ethan
