Had he just heard what he thought he heard? Ryden could pretend that wasn’t the case or deny it until the cows came home, but his heart was done with his bullshit.
Ryden’s breath hitched, and he nodded. “Yeah, somethin’ like that. Fuck, Jay. I know we kinda did all this in the wrong order, but it’s us, so no big surprise there. Fuck it. I love you. At some point in the last six years, I fell in love with you and convinced myself it was somethin’ else. The reason I was such a dick that night at the tavern was because I was jealous.”
Jay stared at him. “What?”
“I was jealous you were gonna go home with one of those guys, so I went all caveman, marchin’ over to you and makin’ an ass out of myself. I wanted to punch every one of those asshats.”
Jay’s expression softened. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” He brushed his fingers through Ryden’s hair. “And in case you need to hear it. I love you, too.” He pulled Ryden down and kissed him until the air conditioner made him shiver. “Come on. Let’s take a warm shower.”
Ryden rolled off Jay and sat up, smiling when Jay wrapped his arms around Ryden’s neck from behind and kissed his cheek.“You realize we’re gonna walk into a whole lot of smug when we leave this room.”
“This room? Try the whole office. Trust me, I know,” Jay grumbled. “Joshua’s going to be singing ‘I told you so’ for years to come.”
Ryden chuckled and stood, allowing Jay to get up. He couldn’t help himself, and he drew Jay into his arms. “We might have a problem.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m strugglin’ real hard to keep my hands and mouth off you.”
Jay hummed, and he stood on his toes and brushed his lips over Ryden’s. “Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”
“Come on, Trouble.” Ryden pulled Jay along with him into his bathroom. His heart had never been so whole. They took their time, kissing and caressing each other as they washed up.
When they were done, Ryden lent Jay some pajamas and ordered everyone food. Saint thanked them for the food and the offer to stay in the living room with them, and then went to his room. The twinkle in his eyes told Ryden that his best friend was giving them their space so they could be all ridiculously lovey-dovey without an audience, and Ryden appreciated that.
They curled up on the couch together while eating and watching TV. Afterward, Jay sat with his bare feet up on the footrest and Ryden stretched out on the sofa, his head in Jay’s lap as Jay ran his fingers through Ryden’s hair. He’d never been more at ease. So, of course, his past bubbled up looking for fuckery. He sighed.
“What’s wrong?” Jay asked softly as he continued to run his fingers through Ryden’s hair.
“The reason I have a prepper’s pantry isn’t ’cause we live in Florida.”
“Oh?”
“It’s ’cause I spent several years livin’ on the streets, not knowin’ where my next meal was comin’ from, if at all, which developed into a scarcity mindset. Dr. Bradbury helped me work through it so I feel like I’m prepared enough to feel safe, but not enough where I obsess over it.”
Jay’s hand stilled, and he was so quiet that Ryden sat up to find Jay turned away from him.
“Sweetheart?”
Jay shook his head, and Ryden shifted closer, leaning forward. “Jay, please look at me,” he said gently, taking Jay’s hand in his. With a sniff, Jay faced forward, and Ryden was surprised by the tears. “Hey, now. What’s all this for?” He pulled Jay onto his lap and wiped Jay’s cheek with his thumb.
“I can’t believe…” Jay shook his head and let out a frustrated growl. “I can’t believe, after everything you gave, after losing your eyesight while serving, that you were on the streets going hungry. What the fuck, Ry? It makes me so angry. Fuck them.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Ryden said, wiping Jay’s other cheek. “You deserve to know everything. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and what I went through played a big part in makin’ me the man I am today.”
Jay nodded. “I understand, and I want to know, no matter how difficult it is to hear. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“To be honest, I’ve been wantin’ to talk to you about it for a long time, but there was never a good time. It’s not like I could just stroll on over to your desk one mornin’ and be all, ‘Oh, by the way, before I tried to kill Mason Cooper and then myself, I was livin’ on the streets. Nice bow tie.’ It wasn’t exactly casual conversation.”
Jay’s eyes were huge, tears welling again, and Ryden realized what he’d said.Shit. That wasnotthe way he’d planned on telling Jay.
“You…you tried to… When was this?”
“The night I accidentally shot Mason. Well, you know. Accidentally but not accidentally.”
Jay stared at him, heartache and uncertainty in his big blue eyes, but Ryden had to push through. If Jay wanted him,allof him, then he had to know.
“A lot happened before I ended up in Florida. My mom passed, and I missed her funeral ’cause I was on a RECON mission. Then there was the trainin’ accident where I lost my vision. Anyway, after recoverin’ from that and bein’ discharged, I couldn’t find a job and eventually lost everything, including my apartment. I was too ashamed and too proud to ask for help. Most of all, I was angry, so angry, and one day, I found a target for that anger.”
