“Me too.”
She closed the door. And that’s when she fell apart. When she allowed the heartache to squeeze her entire body and the pain to swallow her whole.
The clickof Clara’s front door closing was loud and hit Holden like a gut punch.
He stormed down the walk and into his car, where he slammed the door.
What was wrong with him? Whatthe fuckwas wrong with him?
He punched his fist into the wheel, then did it again. It did nothing. The pain and fury shooting through his limbs were still there, festering and rolling inside him, poisoning.
Feel the fear and love me anyway.
He closed his eyes and hit his head back against the headrest. Why couldn’t he be what she needed? Why couldn’t the love be stronger than the fear?
He shot a glance toward her door. He wanted to go back. Tell her he’d messed up, that he was there to stay, but that thing inside him that had urged him to run was still there, dictating everything.
He cursed and started the engine.
He wasn’t even sure how he made it home, his head was such a mess. One second he was outside Clara’s house, the next he was parking in front of his own place. He frowned when he saw Jesse sitting on the steps of his porch, two beers beside him.
What the hell?
Holden climbed out of the truck. “What are you doing here?”
“Clara had a cancer scare.”
He said it like that was it. That was the entire answer to Holden’s question.
“Don’t worry, my mom’s with her,” he added.
Holden lowered beside Jesse and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m a fucking mess. And worse than that, I’m an asshole. Clara has a cancer scare and I tell her I’m not sure ifI’mstrong enough to date her. I broke up with her because I’m pathetic.”
“Well…at least you’ve finally admitted you were dating.”
Shit. “I’m—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re the best man I know, Holden, and I trust you to love and protect my sister.”
“You shouldn’t. Not the love part, anyway.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’re scared. You’re scared to watch the person you love most get sick and die, again. You’re scared of having to sit on the sidelines, unable to protect her from something you can’t fight.” Jesse handed Holden a beer. “We’re cut from the same cloth. We’re both protectors. It’s why we joined the military. To then not be able to protect the most important person in our lives feeds into our worst fears.”
He was right. “You know, I always thought that I joined the military to find family because after my mom died, I had no one.”
“But now?”
“Now I think I spent so long unable to fight my mother’s cancer, I needed to face enemies Icouldfight to gain back some of that control.”
Jesse laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “You certainly did that. We all did.”
“I don’t know if I can do it again, Jess.”
“You’re already doing it.”
Holden looked at his best friend. “What are you talking about?”
“You love her. I can see it when you look at her. When you talk about her. You’re in love with Clara.”
