One deep sigh before he spoke. “I was scared today. And that fear reminded me of every reason I ran from this for so long.”
“This… You meanus.”
He didn’t respond, but the confirmation was in his pained expression.
Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. To maintain the flow of air in her lungs, when that air felt thick and stuck in place. “It’s okay to be scared. I was scared too. It’s what we do with the fear that matters.”
He ran his fingers through his hair and looked down. And without words, she knew what was about to happen. The floor was crumbling beneath her feet.
Finally, he looked at her again. “I think maybe we should take a pause on us.”
If a heart could break from simple words, then hers shattered into a million pieces.
“After everything it took for us to get here,” she whispered, “you’re ending things because of a small health scare today?”
“Small? Clara, you were having symptoms that could have led to a cancer diagnosis.”
“But it wasn’t cancer. And the cancer didn’t kill me five years ago.” She stepped closer. “We can’t live in a state of fear.”
“I just…I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Notit—us. You’re talking about you and me.”
His silence was so loud it rang in her ears, and God, it hurt. An all-over, every-limb kind of hurt.
“Iloveyou.” His eyes flared at her words. “I’ve loved you for so long, Holden. And you promised me you weren’t going anywhere.”
“I’m not. I’ll still be in your life.”
It wasn’t the same, and they both knew it. He was running, and she’d been a fool to think this was going to end any other way.
“You’re right,” she whispered. “Youarescared. We both are. You’re scared to live and to love…and I’m scared not to.”
He swallowed.
“I was told I had cancer.” She stepped forward, needing him to hear everything. “Stagefour. And when I heard those words, I felt like all these moments were ripped away from me. Smiles and laughs and loves and experiences. They just disappeared.” She tilted her head, more tears falling. “Then I did the work and the day came where they told me there was no more cancer in my body, and I got all those moments back. So I can’t wait for life to happen, because I’m so viscerally aware of how any second, every future plan can be ripped away.”
Pain…it was all over Holden’s face. “I’ve felt loss too, Clara. But the difference is, I didn’t get those moments back with my mom.”
“No, but you got the ones before she passed. Now you have the memories of her.” Her chest started to heave, the heartache making each breath a battle. “I just…I wish you could see how much more you’re going to miss.”
“What would you have me do? What’s the alternative here?”
She closed the distance between them and set a hand on his chest. “The alternative is to feel the fear and love me anyway.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“You can. But you don’t know if you’re willing to take the risk.” She didn’t want to lose that small contact, but she forced her hand to drop. Her feet to step back. “I’d like you to leave.”
A muscle clicked in his jaw. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”
Didn’t he get it? By deciding not to love her, even if he physically stayed in the house, shewouldstill be alone.
She was on the verge of breaking, but she forced her legs to move. Forced her hand to reach for the door and open it. “I’ll call my mom to come over. I need you to go.”
Still, in that moment, when she thought she’d lost all hope, there remained a part of her that wanted him to stay. To tell her she was worth fighting for. That she was worth the risk.
Three seconds passed of him remaining exactly where he was…then he finally moved. He walked straight past her, and had just stepped outside when he stopped and turned. “I’m sorry.”
