Emilia squeezes my hand, mouth pinching sympathetically.
“I’m scared.” The words tumble out before I can stop them. “Because if I let myself want this, want?him, then what does that say about me?”
Silence stretches between us for a few agonizing seconds.
“That you’re human, Fiona. Nothing in life is ever black and white. You know that. Somewhere deep inside, you do.”
She’s right, but still, this is different.
“That would mean accepting what he does for a living. Accepting crime and murder—and worse, making excuses for it because he’s mine. I just…I don’t know how to do that.” I slant my head. “I hope I’m not offending you, and I’m sorry if it comes across the way it sounds, but I just have no one to talk to about it and?—”
She throws a palm into the air. “Don’t do that. Come on, Fi. We’ve been through so much together, and you think I’d be offended at that? Please? You don’t think I sometimes sit here and think about how objectively insane all this is?”
“Tell me how to fix it,” I beg. “Because I’m not you, and he’s not Konstantin. He doesn’t care about me or want me that way. He wants to use me. And it’s a cold day in hell if I’ll ever allow him to do that.”
Even though I’ve allowed it plenty, but like she said, I’m only human.
“You’re right. He isn’t Konstantin. But maybe underneath all that assery, there’s actually a human being in there somewhere.”
“Assery? That’s not even a word.” I let out a laugh, my body feeling lighter the more we talk.
“It’s not? Because it should be.”
I blow out a breath. “I don’t think this can ever work between us.”
“I hope it can, because he has no plans to divorce you. I had Konstantin talk to him, and he won’t budge.”
Great…
“Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him it’s bothering you that’s he’s never home.”
My laugh falls out of me, dry and hollow. “And make myself sound like a pathetic, lovesick idiot? No, thank you. But even if I wanted to, I can’t on account of, you know, him never being around.”
“Right.” She nods. “God…” She leans back. “I never thought we’d end up with two Russian mobsters. They should write a book about us.”
My face twists. “Mm, yeah, no. I prefer if they didn’t.”
Heavy footsteps grow closer, and Konstantin appears.
“Fiona.” His smile stretches. “How nice it is to finally see you in our home, sistra.”
He comes closer, and I very reluctantly get up and greet him with a quick hug. Though if I had a gun to my head, I’d admit I actually kinda like him now.
I shudder at the thought.
He walks over to Emilia, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. One hand cradles her cheek, the other resting protectively on her belly, and the back of my nose stings. Blinking back my emotions, I push a few strands of hair behind my ear.
When they finally pull apart, their eyes stay pinned, their love so palpable it feels like something I could reach out and touch. God, I envy that.
“So…” Konstantin settles on the other side of her. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help overhearing something about my brother never being around, and that it’s bothering you.” He tsks softly. “Well, we can’t have that. How can I help?”
“Other than forcing him to sign the divorce papers?” I mutter. “I don’t know, maybe start by telling me where he is and who he’s with.”
He flips a hand in the air. “How about I take you to him?”
My eyes widen, and when I glance at Emilia, her expression mirrors mine.
“Wait…you know where he is?”
