“I’m so sad I missed it.”
“We can try to get her to do it again,” I say, walking over to where she is. Kelsey put up a ton of Halloween decorations,including a purple tree with little bats all over it, and she loves looking at it. We kneel on the ground in front of her.
“Hey, sweet pea,” he says. “Are you going to smile for me?”
She looks away from the tree, darting her attention to Grizz. It’s obvious she recognizes his voice.
“Smile for Daddy, sweet girl,” I coo, brushing her cheek with my finger.
His attention turns to me, eyes slightly wide. Though we talked about this, I’ve never referred to him as Daddy before when talking to her. I didn’t do it consciously, it just happened, and I can tell by the look on his face that he’s happy as hell about it. His attention goes back to her, and it takes only a second before she smiles.
“Oh my god!” he announces, grabbing onto my arm. “Angel, she smiled at me.” The emotion makes his voice raspy. He holds his hands out, like he wants to pick her up, but doesn’t. His hands ball into fists. “I want to squeeze her, but shit, I know I can’t. She smiled at me!”
“She did,’ I say, leaning my head on his shoulder. His arm comes around me, and he holds me tight.
“This is so perfect, Angel. So fucking perfect.”
We stay there, staring at our baby until Kelsey calls us for dinner. We eat together, and I get to finish my meal before Dorothea starts fussing that she’s hungry.
Once she’s fed, I work myself up to asking Kelsey something I’ve been thinking about all day.
“Do you think you and Tommy could watch her for about an hour?”
Her jaw drops, and she glances at Tommy who looks just as shocked.
“You want us to watch her?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“So you can…”
“Well, I wanted to go to the store, and I was hoping Grizz would take me.”
He smiles, taking the last mouthful of his water before crushing the bottle and tossing it into the recycling.
“Anything for you, Angel. You know that.”
“Of course we will,” Kelsey says quickly. “We’d love to. Right, Tommy?”
“Yeah, absolutely.”
“Thank you,” I say. “She just ate, so she’ll probably need to be changed soon.”
“We can handle that,” Kelsey says excitedly.
It’s only when I’m in the bedroom, looking for something to wear, that it hits me. I’m going out without her. She’ll be without me. I’ll be far away.
My chest starts to hurt. Then it gets tight. Then I can’t breathe at all. I lean against the wall, trying to catch my breath.
“What’s wrong?” Grizz asks when he comes into the room.
“I can’t do it,” I say, shaking my head. “I can’t leave her. I can’t go. I’m sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can’t. Kelsey is going to be so upset.” I’m rambling. The words spill from my mouth, and maybe I’m not making sense, but I’m panicking.
“Angel, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Kelsey will understand.”
I start crying then, but he pulls me into his arms right away. The tears soak into his shirt, and his soft, soothing shushing eventually calms me.
I take a deep breath and look up at him. “I’m so scared, Grizz.”
