Maria gives me another squeeze. “It wasn’t some mistake, Zoe. It was a choice. And I need you to own it with confidence. I mean, who cares? I lost my virginity years ago to a random guard in the back of my father’s jeep.”
“Wait, what?” Jenni and I shriek.
She rolls her eyes. “I was a rebellious kid.”
And just like that, the atmosphere changes. We eat and my friends tell colorful stories about how they lost their virginity. Jenni lost hers at twenty to her high school sweetheart. She blocked him right after.
“You have the most interesting story,” Jenni pouts. “Whoever the bastard is, I’m sure he’s a handsome devil.”
“Girl—” I blush deeply and my friends burst into laughter. “Okay, can I say something? Don’t judge…”
Maria narrows her eyes. “Wait, wait! I know what you want to say. You enjoyed it, didn’t you? You slut!”
Laughter bubbles out of me and I playfully nudge her. “Shut up. Yes, I did. I mean, I hate how I felt in the morning, but last night, I—girl.” I almost shudder at the memory of the steamy night I had.
“I see why some girls prefer older men.”
“Wait, he’s old?” Jenni gasps.
“Not old like a grandpa,” I giggle. “A silver fox, definitely. He looked so good, I swear and he was so experienced. It’s like he knew my body. Man…” I shake my head. “Though this will never happen again, I’m allowed to enjoy the moment and not my feelings after, right?”
Maria scoffs. “Girl, I don’t know about you. But when I had sex with an older man, I enjoyed my feelings before, during and after.”
Jenni and I clasp our hands over our ears and groan. “Maria!”
“Okay, enough of the heavy stuff!” Maria says, practically bouncing in place. “Let’s talk about my birthday that’s coming up. It’s going to be huge!”
Jenni playfully rolls her eyes. “I don’t know how a medical student seems to have so much time on their hands to plan a party.”
Maria slides her a glance. “Jenni, shut up, you know you’re always down for a party.”
As they burst into laughter, I think about Maria’s birthday party in two weeks. Jenni and I have been helping her plan the whole thing, and I’m even in charge of her outfits. I can’t wait for it. Maria’s excitement is contagious, and I can’t help but smile despite the turmoil still swirling in my chest. The shift in energy is exactly what I need right now. It’s like a breath of fresh air after all the heavy emotions.
That night, I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, the weight of the darkness pressing down on me. His mouth. His hands. The way they moved with certainty, like he knew exactly how to make me feel things I didn’t know I could. It’s etched into my skin, a mark that I can’t scrub away, even though I’ve tried. I still feel the heat of his touch, the pressure of his body against mine, the way he kissed me—possessive, urgent, like I belonged to him.
I don’t know who Lukin really is. I don’t know what he wants from me. His name, his presence—it all feels like a mystery I’m not sure I want to solve, but I can’t stop myself from trying to understand it.
It wasn’t just the sex. It was everything that came with it—the way he made me feel seen, wanted, like I was his.
And that thought, the way it lingers in the back of my mind, terrifies me.
Because I want to feel that again. I want to feel that possessiveness, that intensity, that raw connection between us. It scares me how badly I want it. How quickly I’ve become addicted to the pull of him. I barely know him, but I can still feel him, still crave the way he made me feel.
I turn over in bed, trying to get comfortable, but sleep won’t come. My mind keeps racing, chasing the memory of him, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape it.
And that’s the real problem, isn’t it?
I’m not just scared of him. I’m scared of how badly I want him.
Chapter Six - Lukin
I try to forget her.
It should’ve been easy. One night. One girl. I’ve had hundreds of those. They come and go, just like the rest. I’ve never had trouble moving on, never had trouble distancing myself. But this one—this girl—won’t leave my mind. She’s different, and that’s what makes it so damn hard.
I remember the way she looked at me. The way her eyes met mine, wide and unguarded. Like she wasn’t sure whether she was terrified or fascinated, but she didn’t pull away. Not like the others. Not like the women who play games or throw themselves at me. No, she didn’t play. She just… stood there, and I could see it in the way her lips parted, the way her breath hitched when I touched her.
She trembled.
