I walk the long way home, where I step into the shower, the hot water pounding against my skin like it can wash away the weight of the night. I scrub myself harder than I need to, trying to rid myself of the feeling of his touch, the memory of how good it felt, how natural it seemed, and how terrifying it all was. I wish it was as easy as the soap sliding off my body, but it’s not.
I shower twice, my skin raw from the scrubbing, but it doesn’t matter. The ache inside me hasn’t gone away, and I don’t know how to stop thinking about him.
I finally step out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel, feeling the cold air hit my damp skin. I sit on the edge of the bed, my phone in hand, and after a few seconds of hesitation, I open up the messages from Maria and Jenni. They’ve been blowing up my phone all morning, concerned, asking where I went last night, why I left so suddenly.
I take a deep breath before typing, my fingers trembling slightly as I write the words:sorry I didn’t return calls or texts. I was kind of busy last night.
Busy? That’s a simple way of putting it.
The texts from Maria and Jenni come in quickly.
Maria’s reads:I’m on my way. You don’t sound so good.
As if Jenni can read Maria’s texts, she also says she’s on her way. I’m a little relieved that my friends are rushing to my side, and it lifts my mood a little.
Maria arrives first, her energy bright as ever. “Brought you your favorites,” she says, setting down a tray of coffee and pastries on the bed beside me. It’s the same routine, the same comfort, but today it feels different.
I’m barely getting started on the coffee when there’s another knock. It’s Jenni, with sunglasses still perched on her face despite the dim light in the room. She’s holding more coffeeand a box of pastries, but her movements are slow, sluggish. “I’m not sure if I should be happy or pissed off right now,” she mutters, clearly feeling the aftermath of too much fun last night. Her hangover is written all over her face, but she’s still trying to act like everything’s fine.
“Why weren’t you responding to texts and calls? What were you so busy with?”
I freeze, raising the coffee cup to my lips. My friends glance at each other and then narrow their eyes at me.
“Zoe?” Jenni urges.
“Hmm.” I take a bite of the croissant and drink more coffee.
“Zoe,” Maria says gently, “are you okay? You’ve barely said a word.” Her voice is laced with concern now, the playful teasing gone. “What were you busy with last night?”
I take a shaky breath, the weight of everything sitting in my chest, making it hard to speak. The words have been building inside me all morning, but now that the moment is here, I feel like I’m about to burst.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out at first. I glance down at my hands, still trembling slightly from the rush of emotions that flood through me.
Finally, I manage to speak, my voice small, barely a whisper. “I… I lost my virginity last night.”
The words hang in the air between us, heavy and raw.
“To who?” they chorus.
“I don’t know him.” I shrug like I don’t feel terrible about it. “I just met him at the club and went with him. He was gone before I woke up this morning.”Lukin.I want to say his name, but it’ll make this more real, so I don’t.
I brace myself for my friends’ judgment, for the disappointment or disbelief, but when I glance up, their expressions are not what I expected.
Maria blinks, her eyes wide with surprise, but there’s no condemnation in her gaze—just shock. Jenni, who’s been nursing a hangover all morning, takes off her sunglasses, rubbing her eyes as she processes the news.
It’s a long, quiet moment before Maria leans in and wraps her arms around me, pulling me into a tight, reassuring hug. “It’s okay, Zoe,” she says softly. “Really. It’s okay. You’re allowed to figure this stuff out on your own terms.”
Jenni joins in, her hand gently rubbing my back. “Yeah, girl. It’s not the end of the world. We all make emotional choices sometimes. It’s part of living. Don’t let it define you. You’re still you.”
I swallow hard, feeling a lump in my throat that refuses to go away. “But I don’t even know his last name,” I admit, my voice shaking now. “I don’t know anything about him. He was… a stranger. And now it feels like he just… disappeared. Like it meant nothing.”
Maria pulls away just enough to look at me, her eyes soft with understanding. “Maybe it didn’t mean nothing. You know, sometimes we need something—someone—to pull us away from our own chaos, to give us a moment of release. Maybe that’s what he was for you. Your escape.”
Her words hit me harder than I expected. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I had tried so hard to make sense of everything, but maybe Maria was right. Maybe I didn’t need to make it all fit into some neat box.
“I… I don’t know,” I murmur, wiping a tear from my cheek. “I didn’t plan for it to be this way. It just happened.”
“And that’s okay,” Jenni chimes in, her voice soft but firm. “You don’t need to have all the answers right now. You’re still figuring things out, and you have every right to take your time.”
