Saturday 8th September
Early the next morning, Anika counts the blinks of the dots in between the digital numbers on her bedside clock. The time clicks over to 06.52. Cam is snoring softly beside her, free from his usual early wake-up call as it’s the weekend. Rain is already pounding her bedroom windows in the gloom. She’s been awake for two hours replaying last night in her head – the dinner party, everything she said, everyone’s reactions, and then arriving back to her flat with Cam … The awkwardness between them had endured, dissipating only slightly as Cam took her into his embrace. He didn’t force her to talk, just whispered, ‘I want this, Anika. I really do. I want a future for us once we deal with all this.’
Anika didn’t know what to say, so didn’t say anything, but in her mind she argued back – because Cam was wrong. The sex they had before falling asleep was tense with unspoken words despite their bodies being inexorably drawn together. Anika wasn’t disassociated exactly, but she felt like her mind and her body were on two separate planes – one responding with ease to the way Cam always knew how to touch her, and the other trying to process her conflicted emotions. What is certain is that Anika feels the need to change, tokeepchanging. ‘Balance’ sounds like oppression in her mind. Perhaps Cam is just another tie to her old self – that scared, angry kid she’s left behind. Is being with him keeping a part of her tethered there? Last night, Anika hadto close her eyes so that Cam didn’t see the tears that formed at the same time as he made her come apart, the feeling breaking over her like a tremendous, overwhelming wave.
Now, as quietly as she can, Anika folds back the bedclothes, pulls on her robe and heads to the bathroom across the hall. Since she’s awake, she may as well shower, maybe even go for a walk and let Cam sleep. Perhaps the coffee shop won’t be too much of a risk at this time of the morning. The thought of her encounter with Eloise returns Kwesi to her mind, which makes her think of her dad, which makes her think of her mother.It’s all one big loop.
Sighing, she steps into the warm stream of the shower, allowing it to run for at least fifteen minutes. Anika thanks the water-pressure gods for pounding the tense muscles of her back, but the knots remain tight as she pictures Nella’s stern-yet-astounded face last night.Everyone’sfaces. Does she regret it – ripping the plaster off with everyone she loved all at once? Showing them who she’s become? It was risky, but that’s how she needs to be now, right? After some time to process, they’ll understand. ‘It’ll all work out,’ she whispers, her voice sounding young and disembodied as it returns to her against the tiled walls of the bathroom, like a girl seeking reassurance from her current self.
Anika isn’t sure if it’s the heat, but her head swims and sparkles go off in front of her eyes when she finally turns off the shower and steps out of the fogged cubicle. Stumbling slightly, she quickly reaches for the handle to the bathroom door and cracks it open to let some of the steam out of the windowless room. Across the hallway, Anika hears a crashing noise in her bedroom, followed by muttered swearing from Cam.Whoops.She had dumped her handbag and shoes on the floor in there last night, and there’s not a lot of room to move around the bed.
Anika expects Cam to pop his head into the bathroom amoment later. But she’s towelled off, moisturised her whole body with shea butter and patted in her face serum, and there’s still no sign of him. Pulling her robe back on, Anika heads back to her bedroom and sees Cam sitting on the end of her bed.
Her heart stutters.
He’s reading the diary.
Looking up when he notices her in the doorway, Cam’s body remains rigid. He leans forward with his elbows on his knees, the book gripped between his hands.
‘It fell out – open – when I was picking up your shit,’ he tells her, his voice almost robotic. Anika believes him. If she knows Cam Asiedu, she knows that there’s no way he would deliberately snoop. Then she sees the page he’s reading and the spinning in her head begins to almost overwhelm her.
The diary entry she wrote for further in the future. After the failed ‘I love you’. The half-thought-through ‘insurance’ she scribbled in there without really thinking.
‘Wait!’ she says urgently. ‘Don’t read … Cam, I … I didn’t mean that.’
Cam exhales hard. ‘Who’s Hattie?’
‘She’s—’ Anika reties the belt on her dressing gown. ‘She’s an old friend from uni. Before you and I were together, we met up again and had, like, a little thing. It was nothing. And … And that’s something stupid I was playing around with. The stuff I wrote there … it’s not—’ Unable to deny the potential of the words she’s written, Anika comes to a halt.
If she says it means nothing, then all her power will be lost.
Cam straightens up then stands slowly, walking around to the other side of the bed so that its expanse forms a barrier between them. Bitterly, he begins to read out loud. ‘“Hattie called today and this time I didn’t ignore it.”’ Anika can see the cover of the diary warp under the strength of his grip.
‘Don’t …’ Anika whimpers, ashamed.
Cam ignores her. ‘“I decided that variety is the spice of life and I deserve it. I needed something to snap me out of all the bollocks with Cam …”’ He pauses, slowing down, and she can hear the utter hurt in his voice. Anika hangs her head. It’s still swimming. ‘“And Hattie’s tongue was just the ticket. Best of all, it’s cooled down the temperature on all this ‘love’ shit with him, too. The intensity with Cam was just a spike. I can’t be sprung without any reciprocation, right? The most important thing in my life is making sure I keep control now that I have it. I need to make sure I’m not letting anyone drag me backwards.”’ His voice is sorrowful as he comes to a stop at last. Each sentence has Anika feeling increasingly sick. She’s flaming hot with embarrassment and regret and terror at having her words read back to her. Sweat streaks down her temples. ‘How … ?’ Cam attempts to speak, unable to look at her. She sees his hands are shaking as he holds the diary out towards her over the mattress. ‘How the fuck could you even write this?’
Anika wants to tell him she didn’t mean it. That it was meaningless stupidity, but she knows he would immediately intuit the lie. After all, he could have read other entries, realised what she was doing and how intentional it all was.And it is real. The diary. If it isn’t, then … then …
Her whole body begins to tremble. Anika entirely forgot to write in the diary last night. There’s no protecting her from what’s happening now, or what might happen in the days to come. Only that stupid bullshit she wrote in there to try to protect her heart, breaking Cam’s in the process.
‘Cam …’ Anika stumbles, her legs weak suddenly. She leans back against the doorframe, sweat beading across her upper lip. Looking down at the floor mournfully, she says, ‘I need the control, Cam. Writing in there, it lets me have that.’ She draws in a shuddering breath. ‘But you have to understand. That?’ She points to the diary. ‘That is what haskeptme here. Writing thosewords saved me. The diary has let me be free. It’s allowed me to be the person I really want to be. It led me to you, didn’t it?’ Their eyes catch at that, because if she means it, then … ‘But that part? That entry, what I wrote there, is just a … a slip-up.’
‘A slip-up? Writing – fantasising – about how you want to cheat on me, how I’m dragging you backwards, how you want to stop loving me, that’s a slip-up, yeah?’
‘I didn’tdoit! They’re words, and I was going to—’
‘Words you believe in,’ Cam says bleakly. ‘Words you want to come true.’
Anika feels numb. Stumbling towards the bed, she slumps down onto it hard, one foot on the floor, her other leg curled under her so she can turn towards Cam. She can hardly endure the look on his face. ‘These words give me power,’ she repeats quietly. ‘Maybe you don’t understand, but I need that. I told you. I’ve needed it since I was a kid. I didn’t know what I had at the tips of my fingers then, but I do now. And I finally have a way to feel hope. Clarity. Those people told me mylifecould be taken away from me and then I finally understood what I had to do.At last.After thirty fucking years, Cam. It took being told there was something I couldn’t control to realise that not only was that wrong, but everything I’d ever believed about myself was wrong.’ The volume of her voice begins to increase. ‘It turns out I had the power to say NO. To reject that path for myself and to choose a new one, to take something else from life.’ Anika’s breathing is getting shallower, but she continues, looking up at him. She’s never seen him look so bewildered and despairing. But her words are true and she knows it. ‘I can’t sacrifice that, Cam. I don’t want to hurt you, but I need this. I need to keep going and—’
‘This ismad, Anika. Do you hear yourself? Yeah, it’s shit what happened to you. You don’t think I understand about fucking terrible things happening? Come on, you don’t think I stare intoan abyss every day when I wake up and remember my sister is gone? But guess what? This is what we endure, OK? There’s dark shit in life, but you need that contrast to see the light. Fuck’s sake.’ He gestures in exasperation, breathing hard, his eyes wide. Anika’s never seen Cam like this before. ‘None of this is a green light to be selfish! To think that you can just … You fucking thinkthisis control?’ He gestures at her with the diary still clutched in his fist. Anika presses her hand to her chest, blowing out hard puffs of air and looking away from him, unable to stomach it.
His voice grows quieter. ‘Idolove you, Anika. Are you happy now?’ He shakes his head despairingly, tears in his eyes. ‘But like I told you, I needed to protect myself, too. I needed time to know that—’
‘I don’thavetime, Cam!’ Anika is shouting now, standing up and swaying a little as she does. ‘I don’t have that luxury. You never know when … I have to go after everythingright this second, to grab it with both hands before it’s gone! So fine, yeah, if that’s selfish then I guess I am, because I know that death is pressing one hand on my shoulder. And I’m so, so sorry that Zaya is gone, but—’
‘Don’t,’ Cam says quietly, jaw tight.
