‘Anika.’ It’s Nella. The tone of her voice is so utterly maternal that it stops Anika in her tracks. Her mother rises slowly from her chair and walks around the table to turn Anika and grip her daughter’s shoulders, her eyes shining with concern. ‘What is it, eh?’ she says. ‘Are you OK?’
Anika draws more air in slowly, like it’s the first breath she’s ever taken. Or like the next could be her last. ‘Mum, I am,’ she says determinedly.You need to do this. You can’t be weak any more.‘I am now. It’s like … ever since I was little, we’ve just had to push on, right? Head down, take what we can get. Dad, he … he was only around when he felt like it. And you having to work, and me being by myself? And thenClive, and moving away and …’ She hears herself hardly making sense. ‘What I mean is, we had to fight. Always. I mean …’ She tapers off again, gesturing over to Philip, whose concerned look is principally for his wife. Anika feels bad again and returns her gaze to her mother, who is staring at Anika wide-eyed, her grip on her daughter’s shoulder slackening. The disappointed look on Nella’s face almost makes Anika falter.
‘Anika …’ her mum says again, voice stern this time.
‘I’m powerful now,’ Anika interrupts. ‘I don’thaveto struggle. I make my own choices and I’m not afraid any more.’ But even as she speaks the words, she feels lightheaded. She takes another sip of wine, which doesn’t help. ‘I know what it means to stare death in the face,’ she continues, louder to combat the tremor in her voice. ‘T-to hold it in my hand andcrushit …’ Anika is panting now, her head whirling.
Everyone’s stares radiate confusion. Looking down, she notices that one fist is tightly balled, wine sloshing down the side of theglass in her other hand and dribbling over her fingers. She puts it down, wiping her hand on a napkin and trying to re-centre herself.
‘Welovedthe old you, Anika,’ Shameeka says into the settling silence.
Beads of hot salty tears sting Anika’s eyes. ‘Well, she’s gone. I can’t be that person any more. I know too much. Nothing – no existential power in theuniverse– is ever going to dictate my life or take it away from me.’ She presses her eyes shut for a second and tears slip hotly down her cheeks. She swipes them away with the backs of her hands. Everyone is stunned, jaws tight in anger or slack in shock. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ she whispers, then clears her throat. ‘This was a lot, I know.’ She gives a high, nervous laugh.
Turning around, Anika suddenly remembers the chef and her assistants, who are clearing up the kitchen and attempting to ignore the scene unfolding. ‘Er, thank you.’ She directs this towards them, then turns back to her friends and family. ‘Look, maybe it’s time to head out. Thank you.’ They’re all still quiet, eyeing her like this was more than they ever expected. ‘I’ll, um … I’m going to call the cab.’
They were just north of London at the home the chef kitted out for private dinners, and in the back of her mind Anika knows it’s going to cost a fortune to get home without sharing a taxi with some of the others. On the way there, she and Cam were nestled together beside Shameeka, with Maia, who got carsick, up in the front. But she’ll pay whatever price necessary to get home now and just let the dust settle.
Her mother’s eyebrows are knitted in bafflement as she drifts back to her seat and Anika notices her reach for Philip’s hand as she sits down again. He rests another hand on her knee, murmuring comfort.
The urgency tightens in Anika’s chest.
I have to get out of here.
She’d rather be alone, but Cam stands up too, saying nothing as he buttons his suit jacket. Silently, Anika walks around to where Tina is sitting and holds out her arms. Her friend grudgingly rises, hugging her.
‘Oh … OK, babe?’ Tina says, half-question, half-statement.
Wendy stands and embraces Anika tightly. ‘Listen, we should talk about all that stuff, darling,’ she says, hurt registering in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry if I said anything that upset you.’
Anika nods quickly, trying to shake away the irony. She swallows hard.No. It was right. This was necessary.‘Sure. Thanks for coming tonight. You’ll be good to get home with these lot, yeah?’ Anika has already let go, moving to touch Maia on the shoulder. She pats Anika’s hand and they both turn to look at Shameeka. Her friend won’t meet Anika’s eye, but Anika leans down and squeezes her neck into an embrace anyway. ‘Love you, Shamz,’ she says with a finality that refuses to acknowledge Shameeka’s anger. ‘Let’s chat tomorrow.’ Her friend grunts in reply.
Anika steels herself before her final goodbye. ‘Mum …’ Nella doesn’t acknowledge her either and Anika glances at Philip, who shakes his head. Nella is still staring towards the table, gripping her husband’s hand tightly, her breaths shallow and controlled. Anika knows not to even attempt a hug. ‘I’ll call you, OK, Mum?’ Anika whispers.
She walks towards the door and awkwardly thanks the chef again, relieved that the payment was taken care of earlier. Cam pauses a moment, and she turns to see him nod to her friends then shake his head – a combination of acknowledgement and befuddlement. Leaving events in a wake of confusion is becoming a habit.
Outside, she quickly dials a taxi, relieved that she pre-saved the local cab company’s number. She twists her ruby ring around her finger for a few silent moments, waiting in a pool of lightfrom the streetlamp in the gathering chill. Then finally, Anika spots a sedan pulling up nearby and points towards it. Cam follows wordlessly, but still steps forward to open the door for her before getting in on the other side. Anika confirms her name with the driver and he sets off. She recognises the happy jingles of Bright FM playing low on the car speakers, the pop station at Format Radio. Her mind drifts momentarily to her new job – it may be the only area of her life that’s going smoothly.It’ll all be fine.But Cam is silent beside her, not touching her. It feels like hell. Yet for some reason Anika can’t bring herself to be the one to break.
It’s only when they’re approaching the bridge to cross the Thames towards south London that Cam finally speaks.
‘The balance is off,’ he says quietly, staring out of the window at the glittering, coloured lights of the London Eye and the watery vista stretching beyond. Anika isn’t sure he’s speaking to her.
‘Sorry?’
He turns, but his body still faces slightly away from her. ‘Your balance. It’s fuckingout of whack, man.’ His tone is hard. ‘All I know is, you think you have it all under control, but anyone with eyes can see that you don’t.’
Anika bristles, her nostrils flaring, and scoffs. ‘OK, Cam. Listen, you’ve been inside me and that’s definitely been great, but you’re not inside my mind or … or my soul.’Liar.She looks down at her lap, hands shaking as she concedes angrily. ‘Fine. Actually, maybe you are. But you won’t admit it, right? Leaving me hanging has been arealfucking joy. Don’t tellmewhat’s out of whack.’
Cam turns more fully towards her, shaking his head quickly. ‘Yeah, maybe I’m scared, OK, Anika?’ His gaze is fiery, pleading, exasperated. ‘I’m afraid of going there and then losing you. And you’re … you think you’re steady, but you’re starting to be chaotic. It’s only been getting worse. Look, I don’t know whatmakes a higher power, or whatever the fuck, take someone away from here. I don’t know what madehergo …’ The judder in his voice lets Anika know he’s talking about Zaya. ‘I sure as fuck can’t comprehend even the tiniest notion thatyouwould be taken away from me. But something’s off with you. I don’t know why, but it’s making me so fucking frightened. So if I’m holding something back? That’s why.’ His voice is broken now and Anika has to look away. The emotion in his eyes is too much to bear. ‘I don’t want to lose you, Anika. But you need to figure your shit out and be honest about it before I can feel certain about us or … or our future.’
They’re silent again for what feels like a lifetime.
Then, slowly, Cam moves his hand across the seat to where hers rests between them, brushing his little finger against hers. He’s looking out of the window when she turns to him, but she loops her finger over his. A moment later, all their digits are intertwined, even as they turn away from one another. Tears slip quietly down Anika’s face and splash onto her chest, and she doesn’t bother to wipe them away.
Just for a moment, she allows herself to wonder if Cam is right.
The words aren’t working any more.
Chapter Forty-Five
