Her mother chuckled sadly, indulging him now that the frisson that had existed between them sixteen years earlier had no chance of rekindling.
Nella hardly ever talked about how she and Nelson had met. Anika knew that her mum had been his secretary, and of course that they had conducted a secret affair that had resulted in her conception. Their shared West African background was rare in the investment bank where they worked, so she figured maybe their connection had sprung from that.
Anika had heard even less about the fact that Eloise was herself Nelson’s second wife. His first one had been left back in Ghana, and apparently their relationship had been childless. Oncethey’d got together, Eloise had stuck by Nelson through many infidelities; Anika knew her mum wasn’t the first, or the last. However, it had only been a couple of months before this final visit that Eloise had even found out about Anika’s existence. His wife had facilitated the meeting begrudgingly to say the least, making only the barest effort to disguise her dislike for Anika and her mother.
Perched awkwardly on the sofa beside Nelson’s armchair, Anika felt an almost unbearable hum of sorrow and anxiety. Her father continued to hold her hand, smiling at her with shining eyes.
‘You have grown into a beautiful, poised, graceful young woman, Anika. I am very proud of you. You must always remain like this.’ He spoke slowly and deliberately. The words stuck with her, lodged somewhere deep within.
Anika glanced over at the photograph above the fireplace, of the nine-year-old boy grinning in his school uniform. Did Kwesi get to hear praise like that from their father every day? Why was it only now that she’d got to hear it, when it was almost too late?
The boy had wide green eyes like his mother’s. On another of her eavesdropped conversations, Anika had overheard Nella talking to her sister on the phone about Kwesi, and how Eloise had struggled for years before they’d conceived him.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ Anika said at last, acknowledging his praise. Suddenly she was struck with the thought that this might be the last time she addressed her father directly, and it sent panic shooting through her. Anika had never experienced any real, permanent loss in her life up until then, not even of a pet since her mother had never allowed her one. For all his absence and the complicated resentment that she’d felt over Nelson being so sporadically in her life, Anika knew that losing him would be entirely different. She felt as though she was looking at him through a gauzy veil that she was unable to cross, and itdevastated her. Despite his authoritative air and powerful job, dictating everything on his own terms, including his love for Anika for all his years, death was the one thing that Nelson Lapo could not control.
Nobody could.
Anika shakes free of the memory, sitting up a little in Cam’s bed.
‘You OK?’ he asks.
She nods. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I just … I was thinking about my dad.’
‘Yeah?’
Anika inhales slowly. ‘Remember that night, when I said my dad had left us? It wasn’t just him being absent …’ She pauses, giving a soft laugh. ‘I mean, he was that, too. But that night was only a month or so after we’d buried him.’
Cam regards her closely, then nods. ‘Wow,’ he says quietly. ‘Anika.’ He doesn’t say anything else, her name imbued with enough. She gives a half-hearted shrug, playing with the corner of the duvet as Cam leans over to kiss her temple, resting his head against hers for a moment.
‘To be honest, all of this stuff recently happening to me, being in hospital, being … close to death,’ she says. ‘It feels like the scales have fallen from my eyes. It’s been good in a lot of ways. So many ways, actually. I feelpowerful.’
He doesn’t react for a moment, but eventually she senses him nodding. ‘I can tell.’
Shifting against his side, Anika continues. ‘I read a quote somewhere once that said that “time is what life is made up of.”’ She shakes her head a little. ‘I dunno about that, man. That sounds way too indulgent for what I know now.’ She turns, ready now to look into Cam’s face, and he sits up more. He keeps his arm around Anika’s waist, his hand resting on her hip as she settles her knees on his thigh, their faces close. ‘It’s one thing to think in the abstract, like, fuck – we all die, someday.’Her fingers trace the hair on his chest absently, the sensation of touching him acting like an anchor. ‘But let me tell you, it’s another fucking thing entirely to know. Toknow.’ She shakes her head, not sure quite how to explain it.
‘Hmm.’ Cam doesn’t say anything more and Anika can still sense the tension in his muscles. Her eyes drift to the elaborate ‘Z’ tattoo he has nestled in a heart on his chest and she knows his gaze has followed. He shivers a little as her fingers brush against it.
‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I know that must be a hard thing to hear, with your sister and everything—’
‘That shouldn’t have been her time. It was too soon.’ His voice is low. ‘Too soon.’ As if to emphasise what he said, he reaches over and lightly touches the symbol on the T-shirt Anika’s wearing now, just above her breast. It’s a war horn, an Adinkra symbol. Anika remembers having looked it up once; it means readiness for battle. Zayawasa warrior, out loud, in a way Anika is only just beginning to understand. Maybe death was tapping on his sister’s shoulder, too, even at that age. Cam is right – it was far too soon.Thirty is too soon as well …
‘Zay was my best friend,’ Cam is saying. ‘Like, yeah, I knew she was volatile, but that was what made her go for what she wanted …’ He sighs. ‘My family wanted someone to blame and I’m glad they chose me. Ishouldhave looked out for her more.’ He stops speaking, and his eyes are faraway and filled with tears. ‘The thing … the thing that fucking hurts are the times that in a minuscule part of my brain, I actually blamedherfor what happened. For ending up gone.’ Tears spill and he swipes his cheeks quickly.
Anika takes his hand in hers. ‘Cam … like I said, it’s hard to explain. For me, confronting mortality has just made me realise how tired I was of doing what everyone expected me to do. It made my path clearer.’ She looks up at Cam, but his jaw is tight,his gaze turned away from her.
‘You’re right,’ he says. ‘I don’t know what that’s like.’ He shakes his head and finally looks at Anika. ‘If you feel powerful facing death, then I’m glad. But from where I’m sitting, all it means is loss. Absence. I know it comes for us all, but if I had a choice I’d never experience anything like that again.’
Anika grips his hand tighter. ‘I know you wish you could have done something, but youdid. You were her brother, her friend. You loved her when she needed someone to.’ She can’t help thinking about her own brother. Kwesi deserved her love, in the same way he tried to extend his love to her. Anika reminds herself this isn’t about her right now. ‘You’re honouring her and that’s beautiful.’
Cam exhales for a long time, nodding, and she reaches her arms around him, pulling him tight into her, kissing the warmth of his skin.
‘Well,’ he says, eventually moving back a little. ‘I’m very fucking glad you’re one hundred per cent better now, Ms Lapo.’ But he must sense the way her muscles tense at that, ever so slightly, because he adds, ‘Right?’
‘Of course. I’m absolutely fine now.’I will write it into being. Now, tomorrow and every day to come.
Eventually Cam reaches over to switch off the bedside light, plunging the room into darkness. They both settle down into the covers and Anika rests her head on his chest. The silence of the room feels full of their thoughts. But just being with this man she’s dreamt of for so long, she can’t help but smile.
‘You know what else is mad?’
