“You’re supposed to trust me, Megan. And if you have evidence that you can’t—evidence not from a fucking reversed fucking TikTok video—then you ask me. You don’t just bail on what we have.”
Then it became clear to me.
“What Ithoughtwe had.”
Another flinch from her. Harsh words, and they gutted me to say them—todiscoverthem—as much as for her to hear them.
“You’re right,” she said. “To all of it. And maybe that brings it home. I didn’t trust you. Whether it was because of warnings about hockey players, or not being able to trust in much at this point, or…”
“You were looking for a way out,” I said. She started shaking her head, but I barreled on. “You didn’t want this right from the beginning. But, unlike you, I knew what you felt for me was real. And on some level, that probably scared the shit out of you. I know it did for me. So why not take an easy way out when it turns up?”
“Thinking you were cheating is not taking the easy way out,” she said.
“So youdidthink I was cheating?”
“Does it even matter anymore?” she said, defeat and weariness in her voice.
I was tired too. Trying to keep it together after losing J was one thing. Adding this steaming pile of painful emotions might be more than I was up to. Which was exactly Megan’s point from the beginning.
Marlo’s list of self-care items that she’d recite at the end of every session came back to me. She probably should have had something in there about emotional overload when you fell in love.
But even if she had, I wouldn’t have listened when it came to Megan. Drinking more water didn’t save Connor from self-harm. And nothing could save me from the pain of loving, and seemingly losing, Megan Gaffney.
I sat down on Emily’s bed, feeling unable to support my weight anymore. Unable to support my ping-ponging emotions.
Maybe Marlo was right about decision-making. Maybe my obsession with The Girl from last year was clouding the very real obstacles that being in love would bring to my life right now.
“I’m right about one thing,” Megan said softly.
I picked my head up to look at her. Even that small movement felt a thousand times tougher to do than normal.
“This is too much for us right now. We’re both working through our own stuff, and to add…usto the equation?”
I nodded. She was right. I’d just thought the same thing. But would my devastation—and pride—at the thought of losing Megan keep me from realizing that at this point in time, we needed to concentrate on ourselves? Could I put my feelings for her aside if it would help her in her own grieving process?
If it would help me?
“Logan, I love you too. I do. But we need to take care of ourselves. Connor lying in a hospital bed should be warning enough.”
“That situation is totally different,” I said, but there was no fire behind my words. I was technically right, but so what? She had a point, too.
And maybe I could do this, work through my grief and still have enough emotional bandwidth to love Megan. But she was saying she didn’t thinkshecould.
And I loved her enough to want to protect that for her. To not stand in her way of healing.
She got off her bed and walked the few paces to me. I reached out and put my hands on her waist, and she bent over and kissed the top of my head, sliding her hands down my back. Just as I started to pull her closer, to ignore all the truthful words we’d just said and beg to start over, she left my grasp and walked out of reach.
“Goodbye, Logan,” she said, and walked out of the room. I heard the click of the bathroom door and knew she would wait there until I left the suite.
I got up and walked out of Megan’s room.
Out of Megan’s life.
Chapter34
Megan
When Chloefinally got back to the suite late that night, I let her have it. But there wasn’t much left in me by that point, and when she broke into tears, saying how sorry she was, I backed off.
