I had, it was true.
We texted for a bit longer, then he signed off,Got to get to practice. See you Wednesday.
It felt different. Air had been cleared. Like a new phase had begun.
But was the new phase good buddies who shared their grief with each other, or horny college kids who wanted to fuck each other like bunnies?
Or both?
Chapter16
The movie endedand Marlo flipped on the lights. We’d met in a different room this week. In fact, a different building than the Student Union, where we normally met. And had been told we would go longer than our regular two hours. We were in the ComArts building, and Marlo had secured a small screening room. I wasn’t sure what it was used for in the normal course of classes.
Tonight, it was a makeshift movie theater for a viewing of the movieOrdinary People.
We sat up straighter in chairs that were less comfortable than we were used to during Wednesday group. Our room was quiet. There may have been a sniffle in the general direction of Paige. And yes, perhaps in my direction too.
“So. What did you all think?” Marlo asked. She’d brought a chair around to the front of the room so we were all facing her as opposed to our typical circle setup. “I know some of it feels dated. Beyond the fashion and those types of things.”
“I loved that preppy phase of fashion,” Paige said, her voice steady even as she took one last sniffle. “The lady fromDowntoncould bring it.”
“Oh,that’swho that was. It was driving me crazy,” Dustin said, causing all of us to turn to him with deep surprise. “What? So I watchedDownton Abbey. It was inescapable in my house.”
“Hey, man, no shame in good TV,” Connor said.
“Elizabeth McGovern. The actress,” Marlo said. She had a wistful look in her eye when she added, “I had clogs and a sweater just like she wore in the movie. And a down vest too. God, I loved those clogs.” She gave her head a little shake, pulling herself out of the eighties. “Anyway. Like I said, some of it doesn’t hold up. In good ways. Obviously this behavior, from a lot of the characters, can still be prevalent today. But I think, and it’s a good thing, that a lot of issues that plagued this family are much more recognizable to people of the protagonist’s age. Timothy Hutton, by the way,” she added with some more wistfulness in her voice.
Would I look back to this time in my life with such wistfulness in my voice when I was nearly sixty? I couldn’t imagine ever feeling nostalgic about where I currently was in my life, but who knew?
“You mean that we would know our parents were fucked up and wouldn’t blame ourselves for their shit?” Connor said.
“Yes. Sort of. You’re a much more sophisticated generation about things like that,” Marlo said.
She was right. I could have diagnosed Conrad, the protagonist, myself, as could anyone in this group. Classic survivor’s guilt. Grief 101. Intro to Downward Spiral.
And his mother would have been branded toxic early on.
“But,” Marlo said, “being more aware of feelings, knowing what they stem from, does not take away from the very valid feelings themselves. There were cracks in the Jarrett family before the boat accident, to be sure, but grief can absolutely take a sledgehammer to even the tiniest cracks. Can each of you think of something specific in your family, or friend group, that has significantly changed since your loss? And I don’t mean the loss of the person itself. Something that stemmed from it?”
“Like the Conrad character trying to kill himself?” Paige asked.
“Yes. Like that. It’s extreme, this example, but it does happen. In fact, fourteen percent of people who have survived a traumatic event where others died attempt suicide. Many others experience PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and choose unhealthy ways of coping.”
We looked at each other, eyes darting mainly to Connor, who had survived the car accident that took the lives of his two best friends.
“And it doesn’t have to be an actual survivor—of an event or an illness—to feel the same effects of survivor’s guilt. It could be more of a ‘why not me’ guilt.” She looked pointedly at first Logan and then Paige. Logan had lost his brother to illness, as had Paige with her twin sister.
I could imagine the “why not me” thinking went through her head all the time.
Hell, even I’d done the “why not me” a few times, and it wasn’t like I was even in the same state when my mother died in a car accident in Nebraska.
Logan only cleared his throat. Paige played with her fingernails, painted a bright orange today.
“Unfortunately, the movie took up all the time we have tonight, but I’d like you to think on what I just said. Think about how it may apply to you. In a previous session, we talked about focus being affected by grief, a fact a lot of people don’t realize. But also, decision-making is greatly affected. And here you all are, making major decisions, such as living arrangements, new friends, areas of study—all things that will have an impact on your future. All while you still have three to four years before your frontal cortex—the decision-making and impulse-control part of your brain—is fully formed. It’s a veritable minefield for you all. But if you’reawarethat some decisions are going to be harder to make, it may ease that burden.”
“Jesus,” Dustin said under his breath, echoing all our thoughts.
Marlo smiled gently. “Don’t freak. You’re going to have to deal with all this life stuff anyway, no getting around that. Just be gentle with yourself if the fact that you can’t decide if you want pizza or burgers throws you.” At our nods of acknowledgment, she wrapped up. “And, as always, be mindful of your needs. Simple things, like getting good sleep, eating healthy, and staying hydrated go a long way to helping with these types of emotions.”
