His voice dropped almost to a whisper, almost to a growl when he said “I’d do it,” and my heart, already racing from the moment I’d seen Lucas downstairs, started beating even faster.
“I’d do it in a heartbeat,” he said, and I wondered if he could hear mine. “But it’s not just me. And I honestly don’t know how long I’m going to be doing daddy duty with Andy.”
“I could—” He held up a hand, stalling my words. Which was just as well. I wasn’t certain what I was going to say.
“And to be honest, I hope itisfor a long time. Ilikebeing with Andy. It’s good for me, and I hope it’s good for him. I know it’s better for him to have my mom, when she’s…healthy. But, we’re not really sure when that’s going to be, or for how long.”
“So you think it’s permanent?”
He shrugged, then returned his hand to the sea. “I’m trying to find a cheap lawyer to discuss my options. CPS has been really good about me being with him, him staying in the home and all that. But I want to know what the options are, long term, in case my mom isn’t…capable.”
“What’s CPS?”
“Child Protective Services. See? That you don’t know that totally symbolizes what I’m trying to say. We—our situation—are totally out of your world right now. Hell, most likely you’d go through your whole life and not need to know what CPS stands for. Me? I knew it when I was five.”
“I agree, I’m not ready to play stepmommy to a first grader, but I do like kids. And I like Andy a lot. I mean, I teach kids’ swimming lessons. I was a lifeguard at the club pool the last two summers. Ilikekids.”
I didn’t mention that I did the lessons so it would look good on my résumé, and that I lifeguarded mainly for the great tan. It wasn’t a lie. Andy was a cool kid and I wouldn’t mind spending time with him and Lucas.
But Lucas was also right—it was more than I had bargained for when I got into the back seat of Stick’s car that night.
God, that night seemed like months ago, not just last week.
“You took the choice away from me,” I said to Lucas.
“Yes,” he said, no guilt in his voice.
“Look, I don’t want to confuse Andy any more than he probably is with all that’s going on. And I know between him and working the shift you do, you’ve got a lot going on.”
“Yes?”
I took a deep breath. I could be going out on a very thin limb here, but the fact that Lucas had shown up here this morning gave me the courage to slowly ease my way onto it.
“But we could still find time for just you and me to…hang out.”
A small, tentative smile played across his face, then died. “It’d be at weird times. And occasionally we’d do stuff with Andy. And I would totally understand when you wanted to do stuff with your friends.” A cloud of uncertainty passed through his eyes. “I’ll try not to be a dick about it—when I know you’re going out and I’m at home with Andy. But…”
I didn’t say it, but I knew I’d rather be with Lucas at his small apartment, even with Andy sleeping in the next room, than at a kegger with Jane and Syd, trying to get with some guy for the night. I couldn’t imagine wanting to hook up with anyone else when I knew Lucas was just across town.
I kept quiet on all that, of course. I’m not stupid. I wasn’t going to give Lucas any more ammunition than he already had to stomp on my heart.
Speaking of which…“So, the dick move of not calling me? And blowing me off yesterday?”
He held up his hands in surrender. “Never again. I thought I was doing what was best for you. For all of us. But yeah, I screwed that up.”
“Big time.”
“Yeah, I know. I thought it would be easier to just shut it down before it got out of hand. When I saw you yesterday, with Andy, it just kind of reinforced to me that the kid thing was a part-time gig for you, a couple of afternoons a week. That’s all itshouldbe for you.”
“So you bailed.”
“Yeah. Like I said, dick move, and it won’t happen again.”
“What happens the next time we hit a rough patch? Or you get twitchy and start thinking about what you think is best for me.”
“Umm…”
“We talk it out,” I finished for him.
