But that had been before. Now that I knew what it could be like with someone you liked, admired, respected and…okay, loved, I could never go back to casual hook ups just to feel good, or worse, sleep with someone with the hopes that they’d like me more.
No. Never again. I knew it would end with Billy after the semester, but that was okay. Tonight he’d given me a gift much more precious and valuable than the beautiful scarf.
Fully dressed, I made my way to the desk. As I approached, Billy finally fully noticed my movements and he looked up, a distant look in his eyes. His focus came back on me, and he smiled. “Hey, did I wake you?”
I shook my head. “No. I need to get going.”
He looked at his laptop with a look of regret. “Sure. Let me walk you home.” He started to rise, but I waved him to sit, which he did.
“No, it’s fine. It’s not that far to the dorm. And nobody’s out. I’ll be okay.”
He started to argue, but I kept going. “Besides, you can’t really be seen walking me to my dorm in the middle of the night. I have my pepper spray.” He smiled. “And don’t forget, I come from the mean streets of Queens. I can handle myself.”
He laughed, the sound loud when we’d been speaking so softly. “I’m sure you can. And, you’re right, I probably shouldn’t be at your dorm. I’m sorry about that.”
Not wanting to start the whole “this is wrong” conversation again, I quickly said, “No worries. You keep working.”
I rounded to his side of the desk and as I did, he lowered the lid on his laptop, then smiled at me sheepishly. “Sorry. That was just instinct. I usually don’t let people—”
“Shhh,” I whispered as I leaned over him. “I understand. But I just came over to say thank you for this.” I wrapped the scarf he’d given me around my neck a couple of times. “And to give you this.” I bent down lower and pressed my lips to his.
Immediately the embers sparked to flames and he reached for me. As easily as I could have slid onto his lap and taken off the clothes I’d just put on, I didn’t want to mess with his flow. Or be the reason he stopped. I slid out of his reach, but he grabbed an end of the scarf and held on.
Sliding the luxurious material between his fingers, much like he’d done with my hair earlier, he said, “I like how this looked before better.” Looking at me with animal desire in his eyes, I had to step back or I knew I’d be on top of that desk in seconds, his laptop long forgotten. Part of me really wanted that. But the part that loved Billy Montrose wanted him to keep on writing, more.
At least this time.
He let go of the scarf and I smiled, silently promising him there would be many more nights where he would be able to see me in nothing but the unique garment.
“Text me when you get to your dorm. If you haven’t texted in fifteen minutes, I’m coming after you.”
“I will,” I said. As I pulled my coat off the hook he again made to rise, but I motioned him to stay. I pointed to the closed laptop. “Open it,” I said as I unlocked and opened his office door. He did. “Write.”
He smiled at me, and after I shut the door behind me, I stood in the deserted hallway a moment and listened. It was hard to tell for sure, but I was pretty certain the clacking of keys began right away.
I walked back to Creyts not even noticing the fierce February wind.
* * *
After I textedMontrose that I was in my room and he responded, I took a long shower, put on my pajamas and left the door to my room from the bathroom open. I was unpacking my bag from the day at my desk when I heard Jane shuffling into my room.
“Hey,” she said as she entered. She was bundled up in her comforter and she crawled onto my former roommate Megan’s unused bed.
Megan had gone home to Nebraska after the first week because her mom had died. She’d hoped she’d be back for this semester, but she hadn’t shown in January. At first I’d texted with her a little bit, but I hadn’t heard anything in a while. I wanted to reach out, but I was also trying to respect her privacy. I had barely gotten to know her before she was gone. I knew if it had been me, and my mother had died, I’d be at home now taking care of Duncan and Liam. There was no way my stepfather would have let me go back to school.
I’d waited for Housing to move someone else into our suite, but they didn’t, even with Megan not coming back for second semester. So, her bed was mostly a gathering spot for Jane and/or Lily when they came over to my side of the suite. Sometimes I was really grateful to have the room to myself, often times I truly missed having company, even though Lily and Jane were just a bathroom away.
“Hey,” I said back to Jane as I laid the scarf over my coat, my fingers stroking the fabric. “Sorry I woke you.”
“You didn’t. Or I don’t think you did.”
I felt bad about bailing on Jane tonight, but I could see that under her comforter she was still dressed in leggings and a top. “Were you out?”
“No, I stayed in.”
“Sorry I had to work,” I said. Pulling back my wet hair into a ponytail, I moved over to my bed and climbed in. “Lily with Lucas?” I asked. Jane nodded. “That’s nice, that he was able to get Valentine’s off and that they can be alone together,” I said.
“I guess,” Jane answered, shrugging. Unsentimental as always.
