I thought about Lily and Lucas out tonight. He’d probably taken her out to dinner. Maybe they’d gone somewhere else after for dessert or dancing. I knew I would never have that with Billy. I wouldn’t have traded the past few hours for anything, but to have him look at me like he had, but over a candlelit dinner in some restaurant would have been nice too.
I sighed and stretched, placing my arms over my face, trying to blot out the thoughts of the road blocks that Billy and I would face for the rest of our time together. “It’s so easy for them, hey?” I said, thinking again about Lily and her boyfriend. “They both know they love each other. There’s no drama. No should-they-or-shouldn’t-they. It’s nice, right?”
I could feel Jane’s eyes on me, but I kept my face covered. “Well, it wasn’t easy at first, remember?”
That was true. “But it was never because she didn’t trust her feelings, right? It was just shit that got in their way,” I said.
Jane didn’t answer, I guess caught up in her own thoughts.
“It’s just so hard, you know,” I said. I wasn’t really talking about Lily anymore, but I didn’t let on about that to Jane.
We lay in silence for a bit more, then I heard Jane get off Megan’s bed (I still thought of it as her bed) and make her way to the connecting bathroom. “This new?” she asked.
I looked up and saw her holding the scarf. I nodded, and willed my body not to blush. “Just got it,” I said. It was true, but I knew the answer was nondescript enough that Jane would figure I’d gotten it in the past few days. I propped myself up on my elbows and watched Jane hold the scarf that had recently kept me warm after Billy left me sleeping on the couch to start writing.
“It’s beautiful,” Jane said, sounding sincere.
“Thanks,” I said. Jane held it up to the light, then draped it back over my coat on the chair. The colors shone more brightly in this light than the dim desk lamp of Billy’s office.
“Good thing you picked up a second job,” Jane said as she turned to leave.
I wanted to tell her to stop so I could tell her everything. I wanted someone else to know of my joy, and yes, my confusion over my feelings. I wanted to tell her that my second job was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and that the scarf wasn’t a purchase of my own, but a gift from the man I’d loved for five years. To tell her that he’d thought of me while skiing in Switzerland and had held the scarf against my quivering skin only hours ago.
But of course I couldn’t tell Jane any of that. Nor Lily. And certainly not my mother, or anyone else back in Queens.
Montrose was mine, at least for the semester. But he was also a secret.
“Yeah, good thing,” I said quietly as Jane walked out of my room.
Chapter22
Syd
It was,one hundred percent, the best month of my life. We fell into a comfortable routine. But unlike before when our routine consisted of avoiding each other’s presence, now it was built upon being near each other any chance we got.
I would nearly run to Snyder Hall when I was done with either classes or my shift at the admin building, depending on the day. I’d work on the many boxes he’d bring over from his apartment while he was either still teaching or reading his students’ papers.
If I was sorting piles of notes, he’d sit behind his desk to read. If I was transcribing, he’d read on the couch and I’d take his desk.
We’d keep the office door open when we were both working to ward off any gossip and in case students wanted to consult with him. He had standard office hours, but Montrose liked to be accessible to students. Not for the first time, I thought he made a good teacher, and that it was too bad that this gig was only for one year. I thought about that part, about him only here for a year, a lot.
Most days, I’d leave and meet Lily at the caf for dinner. Jane was still MIA most afternoons and evenings, though I guess she could have been in the room all the time and I wouldn’t have known it. There seemed to be an air of secrecy about her, when I did see her.
I didn’t try to break through it, having my own secret to protect.
Billy and I had decided to keep the boxes coming here and not to have me work out of his apartment. For one, we knew we’d probably be a topic of rumors for just me working for Billy, we didn’t want to add any fuel to that possible fire by having someone see me coming or going to his home. Bribury was a small school, and there wasn’t one female on campus who didn’t know who Billy Montrose was, whether they’d had his class or not.
For another thing, the old leather couch was temptation enough to quit early each day, we didn’t need the added risk of a full-sized bed nearby. We’d never get any work done.
Not that the couch was the only surface in his office that we’d take advantage of as soon as I’d get back from dinner with Lily. The desk, his chair, the guest chair, the credenza… They all saw their fair share of action.
And the floor. Oh, the floor. One evening I had piles of his notes all around me, when I heard him leaving his chair. Brushing past me, he quickly closed and locked the door, turning off the overhead light, leaving just the soft glow of his desk lamp.
I looked up at him, a question in my eyes. My body always heated up the instant he shut the door and locked it, because I knew that soon he would be touching me, making me melt, making me feel special, making me…his.
But usually he’d wait until I’d packed up for the day, or was done with a particular box, not when I had notes scattered in various piles all around me.
He stood with his back against the door, staring down at me. The lamp seemed to reflect off his eyes and it was easy to see the desire there. The desire I saw every time we were in this office.
