“What words?”
“I—uh—” I close my eyes, suck in a deep breath then straighten my spine as I exhale. “I told her I don’t want to fail her like I failed everything else.”
There’s a pregnant pause. A long stretch of silence that has me wondering for a second if we lost connection.
I press my hand over my mouth, my eyes stinging. “I can’t fail her too, mom.”
“What are you talking about? You are not a failure.”
“Yes, I am!” Those three little words burst out of me with the sharpness of shards of glass. “My life fell apart, mom. I failed at playing hockey professionally. Hell, my injury doesn’t even affect me on a daily basis, it just keeps me from playing. I came back home with nothing but a failed career. Everything you and dad sacrificed to get me there means nothing. It was all for nothing. I failed you both and myself and I can’t do that to her.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers, sadness lingering in her voice. “That isn’t love talking. That’s fear.”
She’s quiet for a moment with only the sound of her slow breathing on the other end.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” she asks gently. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I already failed you. I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings about it.”
“Oh, Jace.” There’s a tremble in her voice and it hits me in the center of my chest, so hard I go completely still. “Honey, there is nothing you could ever do that would burden us. There is nothing you could do that would make me think you’re a failure. Regardless of what you do or what happens, your father and I will always stand right beside you. We will help you. You are our son. You are my pride and joy and there is nothing you can do that will make me feel anything less than that.”
My throat burns and the tears break through, pushing past my eyelids.
“You should have said something to me.” She lets out a soft breath. “We love you, Jace. You should have let us in… or her.”
“I didn’t—I was afraid.”
“Sweetheart. People don’t love you just because of your successes. They love you because you’reyou.”
My voice cracks. “What if ‘me’ isn’t enough?”
She inhales sharply. “Don’t you ever say that.” Her voice drops lower. “You listen to me. You are enough. You always have been and you always will be. No one is perfect. You’re afraid and that’s perfectly normal, but it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.”
“But what if I fail again?”
“You haven’t failed at anything, honey,” she presses. “You’ve achieved everything you’ve set out to do. Your retirement, it didn’t make you a failure. It was something beyond your control, but it doesn’t diminish your success. You are still successful. Look at everything you and Harrison are doing. Don’t let your fear keep you in a cage.”
Her words seep into my bones. I press the heel of my hand to my eyes.
“And Willow...” My mom’s voice softens once more. “She’s known every version of you since you were both little. She’s seen you fall off your bike and cry when you broke your wrist. She was there when you failed your science final in eighth grade. None of that ever made her stop looking at you like you hung the moon and the stars in the sky.”
Emotion wells in my throat again. “That was different,” I whisper.
“How?” My mother questions me. “Because you’re an adult now? Because the stakes are higher than they were then?” Her voice grows hoarse. “Those who love you will not abandon you when you’re struggling. You lose people when you shut them out.”
We both fall silent.
I suck in a deep breath. “I thought pushing her away would protect us both.”
“I know.” She clears her throat softly. “And how do you feel about that now?”
“I saw the way she looked at me.” I pause, blinking away the memory of the heartbreak woven in her bright blue irises. “I know the way I feel.” I swallow hard. “I didn’t protect either of us. I only caused us both pain.”
“You didn’t fail her, I want you to know that,” she says gently. “You did what you thought was right, but you ended up making a choice for her that wasn’t yours to make.”
“Noah found out about the two of us,” I say in a rush. “I felt like I had to make that choice.”
I hear the deep inhale before she lets it out. She knows how important his friendship is to me. “Have you talked to him about it?”
