“Was he just waiting outside?” I asked, shocked at how quickly he’d entered after being called.
“Yes,” Sparrow whispered. “He wanted to come in with me, but I thought that might be a bit overwhelming, that one would be best. So, he stayed outside in case we needed anything.”
“Oh.”
Your family loves you, Legs. They’ll do anything for you. I’d do anything for you.
But you can’t die for me, they can. And I don’t want that. But… I… I have to go on. There will be other missions and people, these people I love so dearly, will be in harm’s way. Some of them may die, and now that will definitely be my fault. How can I do that? How can I send them out? How can I live with that?
I don’t know, Legs. Perhaps talk to Crane. Maverick must have dealt with feelings like this too. Perhaps she knows how he dealt with it.
He was a rock. I…
I’d been about to say I can’t imagine him suffering over the deaths of others… but instantly I knew that was wrong. He’d cared deeply for everyone in his House. Just because I’d never seen him suffering, didn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Perhaps you’re right.
“Sparrow, can you fetch Crane for me? I’d like to talk to her.”
“Of course, my love.” She kissed the top of my head, then extricated herself from under me.
I sat up on my bed as she left.
Silence returned with food as Sparrow returned with Crane.
I ate from the plate of cold meats and soft breads, hard cheese and dried fruit. Crane sat in the hard chair at the small table in my room and waited patiently.
“We’ll be just outside,” Sparrow said and exited, shooing out Silence.
“You want to talk about failed missions?” Crane asked. “About the deaths of your House and how to deal with them? About… all the pressures you’re feeling. Am I right?”
I nodded. “Are you sure your spirit-gift isn’t mind-reading.”
She smiled softly. “No, but I’ve been through this before.”
“With Maverick?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t picture him crying in his room,” I murmured. “Even though I know he cared deeply for all of us.”
“He did. And he did cry… sometimes. More often he’d turn into a bull and go ruin a few fences out in our farmers’ fields.” The side of her mouth quirked into a sad smile. A tear passed over her cheek. “But you’re right, he wouldn’t let it show. I was the only one who knew. Our House budget went to mending a lot of fences.”
I let out a hoarse laugh at that, before sniffing back a few tears of my own. “So… what do I do?”
Crane’s sad smile shifted as her face fell a little. She sighed. “That I can’t really answer. You’ll know how best to grieve and deal with loss, but I think there are a few things you need to know which may help… or may not, I don’t know.”
That seemed ambiguous. I raised a brow in question.
“First… know that, if we disagree with one of your plans, if we think it’s too dangerous or too… something, whatever, we’ll let you know. We all agreed that as crazy as this plan was with the queen it was the best plan. And to be fair, it worked. Everything we planned for worked. We just weren’t prepared for the queen herself being cursed. No one could have known that. You can’t blame yourself.” She sighed. “Well, you can, but it wasn’t you who killed her. It was the mistweaver who cursed her.”
I nodded to that. I still blamed myself, but her words made sense.
“So yes, some of us might die, but it will never be just your call if that happens. We will all agree on the plan and go willingly, knowing the dangers.”
“Did knowing that help Maverick?”
“Ah… well… no.”
