‘Funny you should say that because he did turn up at home this morning wanting to whisk me off into the sunset, but I told him I had a cinema date with my best friend so I’d have to politely decline.’
Cliff laughed. ‘I’m your best friend, am I?’
I gave him a gentle nudge. ‘You know you are. Best friend.Onlyfriend. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.’
He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. ‘You’re my best friend too.’
We sat there in silence for a while, watching the gentle lapping of the water on the shoreline, but darkness was falling and the temperature had dropped so we agreed it was time to retreat.
As we walked back towards town to where Cliff had parked, his pace slowed. He fiddled with the cuff on his coat and then his watch strap.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, stopping and facing him. ‘You seem nervous.’
‘I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation on Sunday – about how desperate you are to get away from your dad and sister and how marriage feels like the only escape plan. I… erm… well, there’s something I want to ask you.’
My stomach lurched. He wasn’t going to propose, was he? I adored Cliff but my feelings didn’t extend beyond friendship. He was like a big brother to me and I’d always been certain he never felt anything more than friendship in return. I had to put a stop to this.
‘Please say you’re not going to ask me to marry you.’
His silence answered that.
‘Cliff! We’re friends. I don’t feel that way about you.’
‘And I don’t feel that way about you either.’
‘Then why?’
He looked furtively around. ‘There’s too many people here. Can we talk about this in the car?’
We reached his car but he wanted to be somewhere we wouldn’t be disturbed so we drove towards Whinlatter Forest, parked up a deserted track and twisted in our seats to face each other and I waited for Cliff to speak, bewildered by what was happening.
‘There’s something I’ve never told you because, even though I think you’ll be all right with it, there’s this fear of losing you if you’re not. At work, there’ve been rumours that I’m a homosexual. Working in an alpha male environment isnota good place for a gay man to be, especially when there’s so much fear and ignorance at the moment about AIDS.’
Gay? The thought had never entered my head, but why would it?
‘Are you gay?’ I asked. ‘Because it wouldn’t make a bit of difference to me if you were.’
He squeezed my hand. ‘Thank you for that but, no, I’m not gay.’
‘Then why do people think you are?’
‘Because I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t wolf whistle when women walk past the site, I don’t leer at the page three models in the paper.’
‘Have you ever had a girlfriend?’ I asked, realising I’d never heard him talk about girls and that I’d never seen one visiting his cottage.
‘No, and it’s not because I haven’t found the right person yet.’ He ran his hands through his hair, nerves evidently getting the better of him once more. ‘This is so hard.’
‘Take your time,’ I said softly. ‘You can say anything to me.’
He took a deep breath and nodded. ‘Okay. Here it is. I’ve never had a girlfriend – or a boyfriend for that matter – because I’m asexual.’
I shrugged, unfamiliar with the term.
‘It means I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I’ve never had sex, I don’t want to have sex. I don’t even want to kiss anyone. I can look at a woman and appreciate that she’s pretty but it never develops into anything more than that.’
I had no idea such a thing existed. I wasn’t aware of having met anyone who was homosexual or bisexual but I was familiar with those terms. This was new and I had so many questions, but Cliff was talking again.
‘You looked shocked earlier when you thought I was going to propose, but that was because you thought I might have feelings for you that aren’t reciprocated, right?’
