I nodded. ‘I didn’t want things to get awkward between us. Like I said, I see you as a friend – love you as a friend – but not romantically.’
‘Good. In that case, I think we can help each other. You’re my best friend, I think you’re an exceptional human being and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with so why don’t we get married? It’d be in name only but it’d give you the escape you need and take the heat off me. I promise to be the best husband possible. I’ll treat you well, I’ll support you with your career if you want to go to college to retrain, I’ll make our lives together really comfortable. The only thing I can’t offer is a sexual relationship.’
Cliff’s revelation about his sexual orientation was surprising and the last thing I’d expected from him this evening was a marriage proposal, so my head was spinning. I was desperate to leave home but was a marriage of convenience really the answer? I’d meant it when I told Cliff last Sunday that I wasn’t convinced I wanted to get married but that didn’t mean I wanted to live my whole life without love, without ever kissing a man, without sex.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I managed eventually.
‘Shocked?’ he asked.
‘Not the bit about you. Well, maybe surprised at that, but getting married? It’s huge. I’m going to need time to think about it.’
‘Take as much time as you need. I didn’t expect an answer immediately. It’s a big thing for me but I know it’s way more significant for you. I’ve accepted who I am and what that means so I’m not giving anything up, but you’d be closing yourself off to true love and the opportunity to be a mum.’
My stomach lurched. I hadn’t even thought about that one. Did I even want children? I wasn’t sure.
Cliff clapped his hands to his cheeks. ‘Oh, God! Babies! I hadn’t even thought about that until I said it aloud just now. What was I thinking? Marrying me would get you out of Hayscroft Lane and away from your dad and sister but you’d be giving up so much and I can’t ask you to do that.’ He gripped the steering wheel, shaking his head. ‘Can we forget I said anything? I can live with the rumours and jibes. I’m sorry.’
I placed my hand over his. ‘I don’t want to forget about it and I don’t want you to regret saying anything. You say you wouldn’t be giving anything up but you would be. Yes, the rumours might stop, but your life would change in ways I bet you’ve never considered. Why don’t we both take a few days to think about it and we’ll talk again?’
As Cliff drove me back home, I knew I’d think of nothing else but this.
24
PRESENT DAY
‘I couldn’t sleep that night,’ I told Paulette. ‘It was so unexpected but also such an incredibly unselfish thing to offer. Over the next few days, I kept blowing hot and cold on the whole thing. Finding true love wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Escaping home was. Being a mum hadn’t really been on my radar either and, the more I thought about it, the more I became convinced I didn’t want a family. Even though my mum was great with me, I had no sense of what being part of a loving family looked like. I even began doubting Mum. She’d doted on me but her relationship with Marianne was broken so perhaps she wasn’t a role model either. Cliff talked about me making huge sacrifices but I wasn’t convinced they were that big after all. Hayscroft Lane was my prison and he’d just handed me the key to escape.’
‘And that’s why you said yes?’ There was no judgement in Paulette’s voice. She’d clearly been surprised by my revelation – who wouldn’t be? – but there was no indication of her thinking ill of either of us.
‘The sale of his cottage went through on the Wednesday and I got home from work that evening feeling sick at the thought of him not being there anymore. I missed him so much and the future without him next door felt so bleak that I wanted to say yes that very evening. I made myself take until the weekend to think everything through then caught the bus into Keswick, bought a pot plant and took it round to his house as a housewarming gift. His new place needed some work and it needed decorating but it exuded a warmth I’d never felt before, even when Mum was around. It struck me that this was a real home and I could see myself living there with my best friend so I asked if we could discuss the practicalities. I assumed we’d have separate rooms but would we also live separate lives? We came up with a way forward that worked for both of us – separate rooms but joined-up lives. Cliff insisted on one morerule. He said that, if I ever met someone who I wanted to be with romantically or even just physically, I only had to say the word and he’d release me from the marriage without hesitation. All that was left was for Cliff to ask my dad for his permission. We thought it would add plausibility to it all and I assumed Dad would agree.’
‘But he refused?’ Paulette asked.
‘Yes, so I tried. He kicked me out and I never saw him again after that.’
‘Doesn’t sound like much of a loss.’
‘It wasn’t. I never understood what I did to make him hate me so much.’
‘From what I’m hearing, you didnothing. It was all on him, Yvonne, and the fact that you entered into a marriage of convenience to get away from him and your sister speaks volumes. But it sounds like you and Cliff had a good marriage, even if it wasn’t a conventional one.’
‘Oh, we did. I suspect our sex-free marriage was better than a lot of regular marriages! I was married to my best friend who made me laugh so much and we travelled and saw so many incredible places.’
‘It’s a big thing you did for each other, although I agree with Cliff that the sacrifices you needed to make were far greater. I’m assuming you aren’t asexual?’
‘No. I was and still am attracted to men.’
‘But you stuck with your marriage despite that. Did you ever consider taking Cliff up on his offer of a get-out-of-marriage-free card?’
Yes! I pictured Will’s smiling face, the tender look in his eyes… Paulette had shown no judgement so far and I was pretty sure she wouldn’t for the next part either, but sharing it required even more courage. I’d never told anybody what happened that weekend. Not even Cliff.
I looked at Paulette and bit my lip.
‘Once. And I still think about him all the time.’
25
THIRTY-NINE YEARS AGO
