Did you major in philosophy?
Shit.
My fingers freeze, hovering above my screen. I rub my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger. Why can’t life have a rewind button?Just rub it in that she didn’t go to college, idiot. Way to go.
Apprehension sticks in my throat like some kind of foul-tasting gelatinous substance. When I remove my hand, my eyes find Ember. She’s poised, her expression unchanged, but in her gaze I see disappointment.
In me?
In herself?
The room is full of people, happy voices coming from all sides, but it’s as if there’s a film between us and everyone else in the room. Ember and I could be alone right now, having a conversation with our eyes.
I wanted you to come to college with me.
You know I couldn’t leave my mother and Sky.
You didn’t have to give up your future for them.
I didn’t. My future hasn’t gone anywhere. Anyway, sacrifice doesn’t have to hurt.
How so?
When you sacrifice to make someone happy, and their happiness makes you happy, then it doesn’t hurt.
It’s easy to imagine Ember’s bright, full eyes communicating with me. I wish I could touch her right now. My fingers ache to press into her skin, to leave my imprint.
“It’s okay.” Ember mouths, her face full of unspoken emotions.
And suddenly, it is okay.
Everything that has happened between us is okay. Like a wave sweeping in, crashing at the shore, and pulling grains of sand back with it, welcoming them back into the fold.
Yesterday, last night, right now—these are moments that comprise the story of us.
Noah and Ember.
The ceremony starts, and it’s impossible to take my eyes off Ember. She watches the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, the flower girl, the bride, and I watch her.
She’s captivating.
* * *
“How long doyou think we have to stay here?” I nuzzle my nose against the side of Ember’s head, soaking in the scent of her. We’re seated at a table but I’m facing her, my legs wide, while she leans back into my chest. Her shoulder bumps against my chest with her chuckle.
“Long enough to watch their first dance, cut the cake, speeches… You know, all the stuff you’re supposed to be here for.”
I’m high on Ember, on the vanilla-and-orange scent of her shampoo, on being with the woman who never gave my heart back after she stole it when we were eighteen. “Our wedding won’t be such a fuss,” I announce quietly.
She sits up, turning weary eyes on me. “Noah.” Her tone of voice has turned my name into a warning.
I don’t care. Not right now. “What?” I ask, defiant. What’s so wrong with my words? Nearly four years apart didn’t dull the glimmer of our magic. That means something. I want to be reckless right now, make plans, and keep them.
For the first time since I tried out for the professional team, I’m hoping my phone never rings. If they don’t come calling, I won’t have to choose between Ember and the one thing I’ve been working for my whole life. We could have a normal relationship. I’ll get the kind of job that will have me home everyday and we could build a life.
Ember tucks a strand of hair behind one ear. The small gold stud earring she wears shines in the strings of lights hanging over our table. “I don’t think you should be talking that way.”
“I know. I want to though. Do you understand? I want to.” My eyes squeeze shut, the frustration grabbing ahold of me. I want to make Ember a million promises.
