Every part of her was having doubts. She was dripping in them. And I didn’t know how to stem the flow.
“I don’t know about ‘should’,” I replied. “I’ve got nothing I can compare us to. All I know is that I want you and me to work more than I want anything else.”
She sighed. Was I pushing too hard? “But you’ve got to talk to me, I’m not there to see it in your face, you’re going to have to tell me what you’re thinking.”
I could almost hear her brain whirring at the other endof the phone. “It’s all jumbled up in my head. I’m not sure I have the words,” she responded.
“They don’t have to be in a particular order, just talk.” Jesus, I was desperate for her just to spit it out, to talk to me. I could deal with anything if I understood what was going on in her head. I wasn’t sure I’d understood what anxious meant before I’d met her. I guess because she had the power to hurt me—the power to walk away. I couldn’t, didn’t want to control her, I wanted her tochooseme.
“I just wish you were here is all.”
“I wish I was there, too. Or that you were here. Or that we were somewhere together. Anywhere.”
“Careful, you’re turning into a romantic.”
“Nu-uh. I just don’t bullshit and that’s how it is.”
“I know,” she said.
“You know?”
“I do. I feel it. The same. I just . . .”
“What? You’ve been here before and you’ve been hurt before?”
“God no. No. Never. I’ve never been here before. Not like this. I think maybe that’s it. It’s because this is different.” Her voice was quieter as she spoke. As if she almost didn’t want to utter the words. “I’d never recover.”
Her admission reassured me a little. It didn’t seem to be lack of feeling that was creating the doubt—if what she was saying was the truth.
“You’ll never have to.”
“I thought you didn’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“That’s right.”
“Ethan.”
“I mean it. It’s not going to happen. I won’t let it.” But she was right. I couldn’t control it. She had her part to playas I did, and perhaps we’d need some good luck in there somewhere as well.
“You’re going to have to be sure enough for the both of us sometimes.” Her voice dipped a little, thickened with something.
“I can do that,” I assured her.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.”
“But I wish I could have, you know.”
Fuck she was adorable—she still couldn’t say that she wanted to make me come.
“Oh you will. And as you know, I don’t make promises I don’t keep.”
She laughed again and I started to relax. But only slightly. I checked my watch. Fuck, it was coming up to my conference call. I wanted to stay on the phone to her. All night. Especially now. I didn’t want to have to hang up on her while the uncertainties were still so close to the surface. I wanted to soothe her for just a few minutes longer.
“It’s late. I should sleep. And you have to work. Tomorrow will be better,” she said.
Tomorrow would be better. I would make sure of it.
