Something left me and I wasn’t going to get there. It wasn’t enough for me to pretend that he was touching me. In fact, it was worse. It just made me more aware that he wasn’t there with me, doing what he did best.
“I’m so hard for you. Are you close? I want us to come together,” he said.
“Yeah . . . I love you Ethan.” I wanted him to get off even if I couldn’t. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t walking around with a hard-on without me being around. I wanted this to work.
“Anna?” His tone changed quickly. He sounded serious. “Anna, are you bullshitting me?”
“I . . . I . . .” How could I answer him?
“Were you faking it with me?”
“No! Never. I would n-n-never,” I stuttered.
“But you’re not about to come.” It wasn’t a question.
“I’m sorry. I was and then I just missed you and it left me.” The beginnings of tears began to gather in my eyes.
“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry. Jesus I wish I were there. I want my arms around you.”
I laughed. “And the rest.”
That broke the tension and Ethan laughed, too. “Yeah, and the rest. But seriously, this situation sucks.”
“It does.”
“You’ve never faked it with me, have you?”
I laughed again. Ethan had never been insecure about the power he had over my body—to think that he had the slightest doubt about the way I responded to him was laughable. “I’ve never needed to fake a single thing about our relationship, and certainly not the way you make me come. I can’t say I’ve never faked it, but I’ve never faked it with you. I couldn’t stop myself from coming even if I tried when you touch me.”
“You say the sweetest things. If I were with you I’d be fucking you for the second time tonight.”
“Now I’ve left you with blue balls.”
“Yeah, about that . . . is getting myself off cheating if you’re not on the end of the phone?”
“No. I mean, did you when you were in London? Do you think it should be?” Why was he asking me this? It felt weird talking about it. But at the same time I was pleased. Ethan seemed to have no boundaries. He hid little from me and Iloved that, but I wasn’t used to it. No one in my life had ever been as open as Ethan was with me. As much as it made me slightly uncomfortable at times, it was exactly what I needed.
“I never did in London. But I spent half my time inside you.”
I smiled. “Why would you think that I wouldn’t want you to?”
“I just didn’t know how you would feel about it. So I wanted to ask you.”
“You are the best boyfriend ever. Do you want to know how I feel about it, no bullshit? I think that I want you to get yourself off twenty times a day if you need to. Anything to ensure that you’re not tempted to go near another woman while we’re apart.”
“Okay, that’s not what I was expecting you to say. You’re worried that I’m going to cheat on you?”
Was I? Iwasworried that I would lose him, but would he cheat? I didn’t know if he could go without until the next time we saw each other. He did, after all, have the sexual appetite of a nineteen-year-old boy and he’d never had to think about being monogamous before. “I don’t think I’m worried, but it’s natural to notice other women, and I guess you’re more likely to act on that if you’ve not had sex for a while.” I was trying to sound rational. I was trying tofeelrational. “You’ve never had to deny yourself before Ethan.”
He was quiet on the other end of the phone.
THREE
Ethan
I was left wounded by her admission. Wounded because she thought I was capable of betraying her. Wounded because she thought I didn’t have more self-control, but most of all I was fucking devastated that she couldn’t feel about me the way I felt about her—not if she thought that I could ever want anyone else.
If she thought that sex with another woman could compare to her, she didn’t get it. The idea of some random hook-up made my skin crawl. Apart from the fact that Anna did things to my body that no one else did. I wasn’t convinced those things were entirely legal, they felt so good. The fucking was in a whole different category of sex that I hadn’t realized existed. But it wasn’t just fucking, it was connection, it was understanding. Or so I’d thought. But maybe it wasn’t like that for her. Maybe she’d had this before. Maybe this was good, but nothing special to her. She didn’t get how I felt about her. Shecouldn’tfeel what I felt for her because if she did, she’d understand it wasn’t a possibility that I would evenlook at another woman. There would never be room in my brain, my heart or my soul for anyone else.
