Because I couldn’t return his sentiment, and he knew that.
“I’m thinking hanging out would be a little weird and I kind of have to process the fact that I just confessed to my best friend that I’m ridiculously in love with her.” Brooks gave me a sad half smile.
“You don’t have to go...” I began.
“Yes I do. Because youloveMaxx. You’re withhim. And I can’t be a silent, supportive friend about that right now. Maybe one day I can, but it will take me some time. Please be cool with that, Aubrey.”
I followed him to the door, wanting to reach out and stop him. But I couldn’t touch him. Not now. Not after his confession and my realization that I had brought this entire thing on myself by being completely inconsiderate of his feelings.
“Does this mean we’re not friends anymore?” I asked, sounding small.
Brooks turned around and looked at me, his eyes unreadable. And then he hugged me. A tight, chest-to-chest, folding-me-into-his-body hug. I could hear his heartbeat beneath my ear.
When he pulled away, I felt alone. “I’ll always be your friend, Aubrey. I love you too much to ever push you out of my life again. It hurts more to not talk to you than it does to have you love someone else. I just have to deal with the fact that I may have made a complete jackass of myself here tonight.” He laughed again, this time a little lighter.
“You’re not a jackass, Brooks. You’re amazing, and I have never deserved your loyalty,” I told him, meaning it.
Brooks mussed my hair in a platonic gesture. “Yes you do, Aubrey. You deserve the world.” He cleared his throat, and his smile was a bit more natural this time. “Save me some chicken korma. I’ll eat it next time I come over.”
“Okay,” I said quietly, watching him leave.
chapter
twenty-six
maxx
hitting rock bottom was easy.
It’s the climbing back up that I was finding to be near impossible.
My life had made so much sense back when I could take a few pills and pretend that the stuff that I really had to worry about—school, Landon, paying bills—didn’t matter.
Because when life got tough I had the best friend in the world to make it all better.
And she was always there when I needed her.
I missed her.
The drugs.
Even now when I was trying to live the right sort of life, I found that when I went to sleep at night it was with the memory ofhertaste in my mouth.
But when I woke up, the first thing I saw was Aubrey’s face in my mind, and that helped me get out of bed and walk through the rest of my day, firm in the knowledge that I was better off withouther.The pills.
But then the night would come and I’d missherall over again.
And it wasn’t just the drugs and the high. It was the club. And the euphoric sense of power that came from being X. I missed Compulsion. I missed knowing I mattered and that I was important.
But now I had Aubrey. And Landon, whose icy demeanor was gradually thawing. And my art that was slowly evolving into a real passion. I still stung from the knowledge that I might never be able to make money off it the way I wanted to. But I loved it for what it was: the only escape I could count on right now, when I had denied myself the one I really wanted.
That had to be enough for me now. And it was. In my heart I knew that. But in the dark hours before sleep, the vicious hunger was my only company and I wanted so muchmore.
“How’s school going?” I asked Landon on our now daily phone call. For the first few weeks, my brother had been distant. Even after we had made headway during my visit, I knew he was purposefully keeping me at arm’s length.
However, I was persistent. It was one of my better qualities, actually. And even though giving him space may have been the more considerate thing to do, I couldn’t sit back and wait for him to come around.
So I had pestered. I had bothered. I hadn’t let up in the slightest. It was my vow after leaving rehab to not allow either Landon or Aubrey to slip out of my life again.
