I started to fume. I couldn’t help it. Brooks’s condescending moral superiority had always pushed my buttons.
“Give me some fucking credit, Brooks! I’m not going into this blind! I know what it looks like to you! I know you think I’m a fool. But I’m not. I’m not going to pretend that he doesn’t have problems. Because he does... in spades. But so do I. I’m a damn mess! I’m a big ol’ jumbled pile of issues! Love isn’t conditional. Or at least the real kind isn’t. What kind of person would I be if I expected him to accept me for my faults but I won’t accept his? I know what happened before. I know what I’m putting on the line by loving him, but it is what it is. So either accept it or don’t, I don’t really give a shit!” I yelled, my anger taking over.
“You’re on academic suspension, Aubrey!” Brooks smacked the surface of the table with his palm, the sound echoing around the kitchen.
“I know! And I’ll tell Dr. Lowell, and we’ll see what happens. But maybe the counseling program’s not what I’m supposed to be doing,” I said with a shrug.
Brooks looked stunned. “What are you talking about? You’ve wanted to be an addictions counselor for as long as I’ve known you! Don’t you see how messed up it is that you’re thinking about throwing all of that away over someguy...”
“No, Brooks! This has nothing to do with Maxx! I came to LU thinking I could make things right after Jayme’s death. I think... maybe I went into my major for the wrong reasons.”
Brooks rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as though he had a headache. “I just don’t even know what to say to that.”
Well, this was going just about how I expected it to. Though I had hoped I’d be wrong.
Brooks dropped his hands and looked at me, his eyes sad. “What do you want from me, Aubrey?” he asked tiredly. “My blessing? Because I can’t do that. Not after I saw the way he hurt you. Not after watching you turn yourself inside out over him.”
He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. The physical contact shocked me. “I know you think this is what you want. That you have this amazing, epic love. But you don’t. What you have, what you’ve always had, is an unhealthy obsessive dependence. You feed off the worst of each other. You deserve so much more than that,” Brooks said, his words sounding more like a plea.
What he said had been true... once.
He painted a picture of the Maxx and Aubrey we had been months ago. Not the Maxx and Aubrey we were trying to be now.
But how could I fault him for calling it like he saw it?
“I understand that you can’t accept it, Brooks. I just hope you’ll still be my friend.” I was probably being incredibly selfish, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing him again.
“Why does it matter if you have me in your life when you havehim?” Brooks spat out, rather immaturely.
I widened my eyes. “Because you’re my friend and I love you,” Itold him.
Brooks shook his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. “You just don’t get it. I love you, too, Aubrey. So much,” he said, his voice cracking.
“I know you do, Brooks—”
“No, Aubrey, you don’t get it. Iloveyou. I’m talking a give-you-a-kidney-if-you-needed-one kind of love here. It’s an elope-to-Vegas-tomorrow-and-love-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life kind of thing.” Brooks laughed, but he looked like he was in pain.
I thought I might throw up.
This is not how I pictured this conversation going at all. Though I should have guessed.
I remembered how desperately I had thrown myself at him only a month before. What had I expected him to feel after I had been playing with his emotions to make myself feel better?
Next time you kiss me, mean it,he had told me.
I was such a jerk.
“Brooks—” I started, but he held his hand up, stopping me.
“Yeah, so I never thought I’d be telling you this after you just finished telling me you were in love with another dude. It definitely sucks. But I just needed you to see you have options. That you haveme.”
Brooks got to his feet and gathered his bags, leaving the food he had brought with him.
“Where are you going?” I asked, feeling a little panicky. I didn’t know where this wholeI love youthing was going to leave us. This felt so much worse than when we had stopped talking the last time.
That had been done out of anger. This time he was leaving because of rejection.
My rejection.
