He’s stressed. Give the guy a break,I thought.
Maxx let out a sigh.
“I know you’re only trying to help. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t bite your head off for looking out for me. I just don’t want you to start worrying about me. I’ll figure something out. Though I have to admit money’s tight. Bills have to get paid,” Maxx remarked.
Maxx’s candor was both a surprise and a relief. The fact that he was talking about these things with me was a big deal. I was so used to him keeping me in the dark. I had always felt like the last person to know what was going on in his life. I had been ignorant of so much that hearing him speak openly left me unsure of how to respond. This was new, uncharted territory for both of us, and it would take some getting used to.
“I get it. And I shouldn’t be hassling you about the counseling. I’ve got to trust you to do what has to be done,” I said.
Trust.
There was that word again.
“How’s that going?” Maxx asked.
“How’s what going?”
“Trusting me?” Maxx responded quietly.
“I’m getting there,” I answered, reciprocating his honesty with some of my own.
“I suppose that’s all I can really hope for,” Maxx said, and I wished I could give him more than that. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“So, what are you and this Brooks guy going to do, and should I be jealous?” Maxx asked lightly, clearly changing the subject in an effort to dispel the sudden tension that had arisen between us.
Even though he was trying to be funny, there was an element of seriousness to his question. I had never told Maxx about my past with Brooks. But I also knew that Maxx was insecure. About himself. About me. About our unstable relationship.
And now that I was with a new Maxx, one who didn’t try todisillusion me with false confidence, I was more aware than ever of how unsure he was about everything. And particularly about me.
“He’s just a friend, Maxx,” I assured him.
“You must think I’m such a fucking pussy.” Maxx chuckled in that self-deprecating way of his that was very new and a little off-putting.
I didn’t like to admit that I sort of missed the cocksure guy with the swagger who acted as though he owned the world. But that person had been a result of the drugs. They were the reason he had felt so untouchable. It made me angry with myself for missing any part of that person he used to be.
But I couldn’t help it.
Because that was the guy I had fallen in love with first.
No matter how destructive he was, I had been drawn to hisinsanity.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded. “Brooks and I have been friends for years. He helped me a lot, after—” I stopped abruptly.
“After you left me,” Maxx filled in, and I thought I could hear a trace of bitterness.
“After you almost died,” I volleyed back, not able to stop myself from setting him straight.
“Yeah, after I almost died,” Maxx agreed, the resentment leaking out of his voice to be replaced with a dull wretchedness.
“Maxx.” I said his name softly, reassuringly.
“It’s fine...I’mfine,” he said, and I knew he was trying to sound convincing.
I wasn’t sure how much I believed him. Though I was trying.
“I just want to see Brooks to tell him about us. I owe it to him. I won’t hide it. Not this time,” I said.
“Because this time is different,” Maxx finished.
