Fucking hell, she came. I looked at Stacey, who was watching me closely. I knew she was waiting for me to freak the fuck out.
And she had every right to be worried, because I was feeling mildly hysterical. On the inside, of course.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said, not sure I was telling the truth.
Aubrey had come.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I followed Stacey down the hall and out to the garden. I squinted in the bright afternoon sunlight and shivered in my thin T-shirt. Damn, I should have grabbed a coat. It was cold out here. And then I forgot about the cold. I forgot about the counselor who still stood beside me analyzing with her squinty eyes. Because there she was.
There was Aubrey.
My eyes drank in the sight of her. My senses were ravenous for her. And the gaping open wound in my heart oozed fresh.
She was looking down at her phone. Her long blond hair fell on either side of her face. I couldn’t see her expression, her hair obscuring her. But I could tell by her body language that she was uncomfortable. That maybe she didn’t want to be here at all.
I thought about turning around and walking back inside. That maybe as much as I wanted to be, I just wasn’t ready for all of this.
The sight of her set off a thousand urges I had been trying hard to suppress. The need for the drugs. The desire to lose myself in the soft waiting oblivion of a handful of pills. Anything to feel numb. But the loudest urge of all was the one that practically begged me to grab her and run far, far away. To forget all of this stupid rehab shit and to bury myself in her and never let go again.
“Are you all right?” Stacey asked, and I felt annoyed by the question. Fuck no, I wasn’t all right! I was losing my goddamned mind!
I nodded though and headed across the grass toward the table where the woman I loved sat oblivious to the insanity she had let loose inside me simply by showing up as I had asked her to.
She was still peering down at her phone when I approached the table. I pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down. Finally she looked up and I could see her face for the first time. Her blue eyes widened as she took me in.
I knew what she saw. I had lost a lot of weight. Withdrawals will do that. My face had always been angular, but now my cheekbones were more pronounced. My hair was longer, almost hitting my collar. But at least I had lost the dark shadows that had always ringed my eyes, and the sallow pallor of my skin had disappeared.
“Hey,” she said softly, and the knot in my stomach loosened abit.
“You came,” I said, smiling. I glanced down at her hands and saw that they were clenched tightly around her phone as if she would break it. She looked terrified. I wanted to reach out and take her hands but figured that would be pushing things. We weren’t together anymore. Aubrey wasn’t my girlfriend. I had no right to touch her, no matter how much I wanted to.
“I did. Though I’m not sure I should have,” she muttered, looking away. She fidgeted in her seat. Her anxiety was putting me onedge.
“Well, why did you?” I asked her pointedly, wanting to get past this awkward discomfort as quickly as possible.
“Because I needed to see you... one last time. You know, to make sure you were all right,” she said, rushing through her words as though they would bite her.
One last time...
I held my arms out. “Well, look away, Aubrey. Because I’m alive and breathing.” I wished I could curb the sarcasm, but her answer bothered me. What had I expected? Her to tell me she couldn’t stay away from me? That she had been wrong and wanted to be with me again? Had I really thought this would be our new beginning?
“You look... better,” Aubrey said, taking in my appearance. I wanted to know what she thought as she looked at me. I wanted to know whether when she saw me, she remembered everything as clearly as I did. I wanted to know if when she looked in my eyes she saw the man she loved or if she even felt that way toward me at all anymore.
“I guess so. I feel... better,” I responded.
She gnawed on the skin around her thumbnail, not making eye contact. “This place is nice. I always thought they were kind of like hospitals. Not like—”
“Hotels?” I filled in for her.
Aubrey shook her head. “Yeah. It’s very Holiday Inn.” She chuckled and then cleared her throat as if catching herself doing something she wasn’t supposed to.
“So, how’s school going?” I asked, trying to think of something to say that was safe. More important, I wanted to see her smile again. I wanted us to find our way back to that laid-back easiness that had let me fall in love with her so fast and so hard.
Aubrey snorted, her eyes narrowing. “Is that really why you wanted me to come out here? To ask me about school?” I was taken aback by her anger. I had expected it, but I was still surprised by its ferocity.
“No. I just wanted—”
