“During your hearing, it was briefly discussed that you can earn your spot back in the program. I assume you’re auditing the Boundaries and Ethics class that is required of you.”
I nodded. I had handed in the necessary paperwork just that morning. My first class would be next week.
“If you follow through on the class and the supervision hours with me, the department will reassess your place at the end of the year.” Dr. Lowell looked up from the folder in her hands and met my eyes. “In spite of everything, Aubrey, I truly think that you have a place in this program.” Dr. Lowell gave me a long and steady look. “If that’s what you still want.”
I thought about what she was asking me. At one time the answer would have been a resounding yes. But my confidence had been shaken to its core. So now... I wasn’t so sure.
“You’re hesitating. I thought being a counselor was what you wanted to do,” Dr. Lowell said.
I looked out the window and watched students rush by on their way to classes. I had been like them once. Confident and sure in my path. But how could I be assured that my path was the right one when I had veered off course so badly?
“What if I’m not cut out for it? You said yourself that given my past, I’m easily triggered. How can I possibly help other people when I haven’t been able to help myself? What sort of person falls in love with a patient? What kind of counselor does the things I’ve done?” I asked in an agonized rush.
Dr. Lowell’s face became thoughtful.
“I’m going to use some therapy mumbo jumbo and turn this around on you.” Dr. Lowell leaned forward, her hands folded on her desk, and she peered levelly at me, her eyes dark and serious. “How would you answer those questions? Do you think you are equipped to help someone else, given your own experiences? What does your gut tell you?”
I smiled involuntarily. “It says that it’s because of my experiences that I can help someone else.” Dr. Lowell nodded in agreement. “But,” I continued, “that doesn’t change the fact that I crossed the line, Dr. Lowell. What if I mess up again?” And there was the root of my problem. I had lost confidence in myself, and I wasn’t sure I could get that back.
“I can’t answer that for you, Aubrey. But what I can tell you is if you take your future seriously, if you’re willing to work for it, then we can try to get things back on track for you. It’ll take a lot for you to prove that you’re able to resume your spot in the program. And you have to take it very seriously.” Dr. Lowell took a sip of coffee while I thought about what she was saying.
“Are you ready to do that?” she asked me.
Despite the twinge of apprehension I felt at possibly failing again, I knew that I couldn’t let this opportunity slip by. “I am,” I said, and I meant it.
After my meeting, I felt encouraged. I had a long road ahead of me, and I knew that there was a lot I needed to do in order to prove that I deserved my spot in the program back.
I just hoped I was up to the challenge. A lot was at stake. Everything I had worked for had been taken away from me. Dr. Lowell had dangled the possibility of getting it back.
That gave me something to work for.
It gave me motivation.
It would allow me to focus on something that wasn’t Maxx Demelo.
As I walked up the steps to my apartment, I could hear laughter filtering down the hallway. I paused, listening to the familiar lilting of my best friend’s giggle on the other side of the wall. I hadn’t heard Renee laugh like that in a long time. Too long.
I stood outside for a moment, enjoying the sound. I almost didn’t want to open the door and ruin whatever moment she was enjoying. But it was cold and I had homework to start, so with reluctance I slowly opened the door and instantly wished I could quietly creep back out again.
Renee was on the couch, sitting close to a guy I didn’t recognize. Her head was thrown back, exposing the long, white column of her throat in a signature flirty move I hadn’t witnessed since freshman year. It threw me to see this side of her again. It was like coming face-to-face with someone you had forgotten you knew.
The guy, who was cute in a geeky sort of way with thick black-framed glasses and curly dark hair, watched her with a sweet smile on his face. Renee leaned in close to him, her grin infectious and genuine. She looked years younger. It was as though pounds of baggage had been lifted from her frail shoulders.
Seeing her like this was both inspiring and oddly painful. Because while it was a relief to see her bouncing back from her horrific heartache, a small, ugly part of me was jealous. Jealous that it was Renee making those positive steps forward. That she was the one with the smile on her face and joy in her eyes. I wanted that so much for myself and I worried I’d never have it again.
I tried to close the door quietly so as not to interrupt them. The soft click as it shut, however, told them they were no longer alone. Renee stopped laughing. She covered her mouth as though she had been caught doing something wrong.
“Aubrey, hey!” Renee looked sideways at the guy beside her, an almost guilty look on her face.
“Hey,” I said back, dropping my bag onto the chair. Cute guy with glasses sat up straighter and gave me a shy smile.
“Um, this is Iain. He came over to help me study,” she said, looking at him through her lashes. The flirty glances the two were throwing at each other made me wish I could slink back to my room and marinate in this awful feeling of selfish bitterness that was bubbling up inside me.
I hated that I felt that way.
But it was there all the same. How could I begrudge my best friend a chance to move forward? Why would I want her to be trapped here with me in the charred remains of our former relationships? I had hated Devon Keeton, the man responsible for her tattered heart and broken trust. He had used and abused her. He had threatened and nearly ruined her.
Seeing her laughing and flirting was a relief. Right? So why did I want to scream at the sky in anger? Why did I want to wail, “Why not me?”
