After a few minutes, Dr. Lowell looked up from the folder and pushed up the glasses perched on the edge of her nose. She smiled. A tight caricature of what I was used to from her.
“How are you?” she asked gruffly.
I blinked a few times, wondering how honest I should be with the woman who had been my mentor. Dr. Lowell crossed her hands in front of her and leaned forward. “You look as though you haven’t been sleeping,” she observed.
I cleared my throat and twirled the bracelet on my wrist as though it were a talisman of some sort. And strangely, it did help calm my twisting stomach.
“I haven’t been, really,” I admitted, having a difficult time making eye contact.
“And you’ve lost weight,” Dr. Lowell continued, her hawkish eyes taking in every detail. She was entirely too observant for my peace of mind.
I cleared my throat again, wishing I had a glass of water. “Yeah, I guess so,” I said.
“I’m concerned about you, Aubrey,” she remarked, her voice softening marginally.
“Concerned?” I asked, not exactly sure how I was supposed to take her proclamation.
“I know you’ve been through a lot in the last few weeks. You’ve lost your way. Veered off course. Am I using the correct euphemisms?” Her lips quirked into a more natural smile, and even though I appreciated her effort, I couldn’t reciprocate.
It was disconcerting to be read so clearly. “I suppose I have,” I said softly.
“How did you get to this point, Aubrey?” Dr. Lowell’s question was startling in its straightforwardness. I knew exactly what she was doing. She was shrinking me. She was looking at me as a patient. A client. It was mortifying to know that the strong, competent exterior I had been developing for years was nowhere to be found. I wasn’t fooling anyone anymore, least of all Dr. Lowell.
Whathadled me to this point? Christ, I had been wondering the same thing since I had watched Maxx fight for his life on that disgusting bathroom floor.
A thousand unanswered questions had flitted through my mind in that small space of time. In the split second it took for me to realize the man I loved was dying because of his own demons and my inability to see them, I had realized that I really didn’t know myself at all.
I rubbed the cuff bracelet with a bit more ferocity.
“I’m not sure, Dr. Lowell,” I answered, trying not to be vague, but only honest.
Dr. Lowell rubbed a red spot on the bridge of her nose from her glasses. She looked as though she had a headache. I knew my actions had affected more people than just me. That she, being my adviser, had most likely received a lot of flak for not picking up on the situation. I had put more than my future at risk by making the choices that I had. And I had been too selfish and self-absorbed to realize that.
But then, at the time, nothing had mattered but the love I had discovered with the worst possible person.
“You’re a smart young woman, Aubrey. You have a lot of potential. I’ve always appreciated how open and honest you’ve been about your history. About the ways in which your sister’s death has affected you. But perhaps we’re here through failings on my part. I put you in a position where you would be opening yourself up to things that could possibly trigger you. It was unfair of me to put that kind of pressure on you. I saw the red flags. Kristie had brought to my attention some incidents that I was too quick to dismiss. I think that at the end of the day, I’m just as culpable in this situation as you are, Aubrey.” Dr. Lowell looked tired and sad, resigned.
“Dr. Lowell, that’s not true. You’ve been nothing but supportive. I can’t thank you enough for putting faith in me in the first place. I’m the one who messed up, not you. I did something I knew was wrong and hid it from everyone,” I said, glad I was able to get that out without crying.
Dr. Lowell sat back in her chair and looked at me over the rim of her glasses. “And that, right there, is what sets you apart, Aubrey.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t undo what happened. The only thing I had hoped was for you to take responsibility.” Dr. Lowell took off her glasses and slowly put them down on her desk.
“I remember reading a quote back during my undergrad years that said,Adversity is the first path to truth.Over the years, I’ve found this to be the truest statement I’ve ever heard. You have to go through the hard stuff to find exactly where you need to be. And I believe that how we react in our bleakest moments is a testament to the person we really are.”
Dr. Lowell smiled again, and this time it was genuine and maybe tinged with something that looked like pride.
“You’ve impressed me, Aubrey.”
I had to be hallucinating. Was she for real? Impressed with what? My ability to make really shitty decisions?
“It would be easy for you to blame Maxx. Or to use a myriad of excuses to justify your behavior, but you haven’t done any of that. You’ve stood up and accepted your punishment and taken the lashing. It shows a true strength of character, in my opinion.”
I cleared my throat, not entirely sure what to say.
“Well, thank you,” I finally said.
