Lisa and Twyla traded a loaded look. “Okay, well, never mind, then. We must have been mistaken,” Lisa replied shortly, a smile as fake as my own plastered on her face. Twyla wiggled her fingers in my direction as the two walked away.
I let out a breath and looked up at the overcast sky.
Maxx, where are you?
Damn it! I hated that I was worried so much. I wished I could shut down and turn off the way I had always been able to do before.
But I knew I wouldn’t stop worrying or wondering. Maxx, even though he was absent from my life, was the most pressing thing on my mind.
What else was new?
“Aubrey, what are you doing here?” a voice asked with more than a hint of accusation.
Kristie Hinkle stopped in front of me. I hadn’t seen Kristie since our horrific meeting in which I was rightfully accused of my crimes. She looked less than thrilled to see me, but her professionalism stopped her from telling me to get lost.
“I was just walking by,” I explained.
“You’re not supposed to be interacting with group members,” she stated, as though needing to remind me of what I was and wasn’t supposed to be doing.
When I had first started co-facilitating the support group, I had admired Kristie. She had been eager to help me learn the ropes. But as time wore on I found her to be judgmental and unsympathetic to human failings. Particularly mine.
“I’m notinteractingwith anyone, Kristie. I was walking home when Twyla and Lisa asked me where I’ve been. I didn’t have a chance to really explain mypersonal issues,” I said, not able to suppress the thinly veiled sarcasm.
Kristie made a choking noise in the back of her throat that could have been a snort or a cough; I wasn’t really sure. I wanted to roll my eyes but thought better of it. There was no sense in adding more fuel to an already smoldering fire. Kristie shook her head and walked down the steps of the psychology building and started to pass by me. She stopped just before walking away and looked at me over her shoulder.
“Just remember that any infractions will be reported to Dr. Lowell and the Counseling Department. I don’t think either of us wants to be in that position again,” Kristie said, her voice firm and gruff, though I detected a note of regret on her face before she looked away. I opened my mouth to shoot back a response, but changed my mind.
“Have a good evening,” Kristie said tightly, starting to walk away.
Then, as if possessed by the devil, my mouth opened again and words poured out that were the absolute worst I could have said in that moment: “Has Maxx not been coming to group?”
Kristie’s shoulders went rigid, and her dull brown eyes flashed with disapproval. Why oh why had I asked her that question? Where was my common sense when I needed it?
But I couldn’t help it. I needed something...anythingthat would give an indication to Maxx’s whereabouts.
“Aubrey, that is extremely inappropriate for you to ask.” Kristie’s mouth turned down in censure. But my concern for Maxx outweighed any sense of pride or self-preservation.
“I’m not trying to be inappropriate. It’s just, he had an incident a few weeks ago, and I was just worried...” I trailed off, feeling like a complete ass.
“I’m more than aware of Maxx’sincident. As to his current treatment, that is none of your business,” Kristie said archly.
“So, heisin treatment?” I couldn’t help but ask, latching on to that tiny shred of information that it was obvious Kristie hadn’t meant to give me. Was that where he had gone? Was that the explanation for his sudden disappearance? And if he had, what did that mean for Maxx? For me? For the ultimatum I had given him?
Kristie shook her head, then turned and walked quickly toward the parking lot. Even though Kristie’s opinion of me shouldn’t have mattered, I felt ashamed as I slowly walked back toward my apartment. Even more, I hated the mad flutter of hope that Kristie’s admission had unleashed.
But I couldn’t ignore it. Old habits die hard, I supposed. Once it had taken root, the thought wouldn’t leave: there was a chance Maxx was out there somewhere, doing the very thing I had wanted him to. Putting himself back together.
My steps quickened and I broke into a sprint.
My words to Maxx during that last fateful phone call weeks before flashed wildly through my frantic brain:Get your shit together, Maxx. And do it for yourself, and for no one else. And then maybe I can learn to trust you again, trust myself to be with you.
If Maxx was in rehab, that meant he had heard me. He had taken what I said and decided to live it.
What did that mean?
Why did it have to mean anything?
Suddenly I was running hard and fast, as though chased by the thoughts that seemed to dog my steps.
