“You do understand that by changing your major this late in the game, it will affect your graduation date. I’m not sure how you will graduate with your class,” she said, sounding tired and maybe a little sad.
“I understand. I also understand that I’d have to find a new adviser in the education department.”
Dr. Lowell nodded. “Yes, you would,” she agreed.
We were both quiet for a time. This was a major turning point, and I felt a brief hesitation. What if I was making a huge mistake? Was I really doing this?
Yes. I was.
“I want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. When I came here as a freshman, I was lost and floundering. You gave me something to tether myself to. This program gave me a purpose for a little while, and for that I will always be grateful.”
Dr. Lowell got to her feet and came around from behind her desk. Before I realized it, my mentor, my favorite professor, was enveloping me in a hug.
“You’re an amazing young woman, Aubrey. I hope you always remember that.”
It felt like the end of an era. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
For the first time in years, I was okay with not knowing what the next step would be. When I looked into my future, I didn’t see school and career.
I only saw Maxx.
He was my new dream.
And for that moment I did trust him. I believed in him. Inus.
I just hoped I wouldn’t be proven wrong about him again.
“Can I come over? I’ve got something for you,” I said to Maxx. It was Saturday, and I had hoped to spend the day with him.
I had called him to tell him about my meeting yesterday. He was supportive and just as enthusiastic as I was about the change.
“I think it’s a great opportunity for you. And we don’t have to sneak around, double bonus,” he enthused after I told him.
“Yeah, it’s kind of scary, but I think it’s the right move for me,” I said. I felt a little sick when I thought about having to essentially start back at the beginning, but I knew that if I had continued on the counseling track I would have been doing it for the worst possible reasons. My career shouldn’t be about proving myself. It should be chosen because it makes me happy and fulfilled.
And if I was truly honest with myself, counseling never made me feel either of those things. It had been about running from my past and making up for things that, now that I was thinking outside of the thick cloud of grief, were never really my fault to begin with.
Jayme’s death wasn’t my fault. It had taken me entirely too long to realize that.
The guilt, the shame, every snarled, tangled emotion that had weighed me down for the last three years, had slowly been dissipating.
I stared at the framed picture in my hands and grinned. I had discreetly taken Maxx’s photo of his family from its spot at the back of his drawer. I had taken it downtown and gotten it framed.
After confronting my parental demons, I felt it was time for Maxx to do the same. He needed to see that his memories of his parents weren’t something that he needed to hide away.
“Oh yeah? What is it?” he asked, sounding distracted.
“It’s a surprise,” I teased, annoyed by his lack of attention.
“I’d love to see you, but I can’t tonight.”
“Why not?” I asked, hearing the accusation in my tone.
“I’m going out to see Landon for a little while,” he said, and I relaxed.
“I’m glad you guys are talking again,” I said. I knew that Maxx was working hard to repair his relationship with his brother. If they were spending time together, then he was getting somewhere.
“Yeah, well, I’d better get going.” He sounded sort of dismissive, but I chalked it up to his thinking about his evening with his brother.
