Truthfully, Maxx had done nothing to warrant my wariness. He continued to work at the Coffee Jerk and look for other employment options. I hadn’t seen anything to make me think he was using again.
So why the twinges of apprehension when we were together? I had convinced myself that my instinct was impaired. I needed to learn to trust him. To not question everything he said and did. But forgetting our painful past was hard.
Particularly as I headed to Dr. Lowell’s office for my weekly progress meeting. I hadn’t yet told her about Maxx, but I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Today might very well change the rest of my life.
“Hi, Aubrey! Have a seat.” Dr. Lowell waved her hand at me and I walked inside, dropping my bag onto the floor.
I handed her my signed slip from Dr. Jones, my Boundaries and Ethics professor.
Dr. Lowell checked it off and put it in my file on her desk. She crossed her hands over the folder and gave me a smile.
“I went to visit my parents a couple of weekends ago.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell her this. Only that she had always been such an easy person to confide in. “I feel like we’ve been able to deal with Jayme’s death and move forward as a family. Finally.”
Dr. Lowell’s smile broadened. “That’s wonderful, Aubrey. I’m seeing a lot of positive steps forward for you, which pleases me immensely. I think we are definitely able to start talking about next semester and how to reestablish your place in the program.”
This was it. My moment of truth. I froze momentarily, unable to say anything.
Dr. Lowell looked proud, an expression I hadn’t seen on her face directed at me in a while. She was handing me back the keys to my chosen kingdom. I had proven myself in her eyes, and she was willing to take me back into the fold.
But I couldn’t enjoy the victory, because it was laced with lies.
“Why did you want to be a counselor, Dr. Lowell?” I asked her. She looked startled by my question.
“Hmm. Well, I suppose it was for the same reasons as you, to help people,” she answered.
“Did you ever think that maybe it was a mistake? That you were traveling down the wrong path?” I continued, not entirely sure where I was going with this conversation but knowing I had some things to say before I chickened out.
Dr. Lowell sat back in her chair and seemed to think about what I was asking her.“No, Aubrey, I didn’t. I’ve always known that this was my purpose in life. But it’s totally normal to have doubts. It’s part of growing up,” she said, with kind and understanding eyes.
“I get that most people waver in their path from time to time, but for me, after everything, I’ve really been thinking if perhaps this all happened because I’m not meant to be an addictions counselor. That maybe I’ve gone into this for all the wrong reasons.”
“Where is this coming from, Aubrey? If you need more time before coming back into the program—”
“It’s not that, Dr. Lowell. When I was in high school I planned to go to college to become a teacher. It was my dream. Then my sister died and all of that changed and I became sort of obsessed with helping others the way I felt I had failed her. My old dreams faded under my guilt. And then I met Maxx.” I paused and took a breath.
“And I realized that there was more out there than these so-called plans I had.” I looked at my favorite professor. “Have you ever met someone who makes you question everything?”
Dr. Lowell frowned. “I’m confused, Aubrey. Are you telling me you don’t want to be in the counseling program anymore?”
I bit on my lip and prepared myself to take the most significant step of my entire life. “Maxx Demelo and I are seeing each other again,” I said, and watched Dr. Lowell’s swift intake of breath and narrowing eyes.
“Aubrey—” she began, warning clear in her tone, but I cut her off.
“And I understand that this will impact my chances of reentering the counseling program. I thought I’d be more upset by this than I am. When I really thought about giving up on being a counselor, I found that I wasn’t quite as devastated as I should be in giving up my dream. Because I realized it was never really my dream to begin with.”
I sat up a little straighter and looked Dr. Lowell in the eye. “It was my attempt to fix myself, but that’s not a reason to go into a profession whose aim is to help others. I think it’s time that I follow dreams that will make me happy, not remind me of my pain.”
Dr. Lowell looked at a loss for words, which was a first. She seemed flustered and tapped her pen against her coffee cup several times before responding.
“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, Aubrey, because I am. I’m worried that you are making decisions based on a relationship that has already proven destructive and inappropriate.”
I understood her concerns. But they were far from the truth.
“This has nothing to do with Maxx, actually. This decision, this choice, has to do with me. I’ve got to stop letting my past influence my future.”
Dr. Lowell took a drink of coffee and sat quietly for a time.
