I get so angry with myself because I wish I could go with her.
But I can’t.
Thinking about going to a place I don’t know makes me feel anxious. Sick even.
When she first told me about going away to college, I threw up in the toilet after she left. She asked me to come with her and I told her I couldn’t.
She had been upset. She had tears in her eyes.
I didn’t like the feeling in my chest when she was upset.
It hurt.
It makes me want to scream and yell. But I try not to do that anymore.
Because making Ellie smile is better than seeing her cry.
I wish I could be the sort of person that could go to new places. I wanted to tell her yes, that I would go with her.
But I didn’t want her worrying about me when she should be worrying about herself.
So I told her no.
And now Ellie is gone.
I know that one day Ellie will come back to Wellston.
She said she would.
She said I am her home.
I believe her.
I’ve always believed her.
Her car has been gone awhile and Murphy is whining. He is hungry and wants to chase the ball in the yard.
I don’t feel like throwing the ball though. I don’t like knowing that Ellie’s car won’t be coming back.
She left. I had told her to go.
Now I feel mad.
I kick a flowerpot off the porch.
“Ouch!” I yell because now my toe hurts.
I go back in the house and slam the door behind me.
I pick up the coffee cup that Ellie left on the table. She should have put it in the sink. She knows I hate it when things are left out.
She should have cleaned up before she had gotten in her car and left.
But she didn’t. And now I have to clean up after her.
That makes me really angry!
I pick up the mug and throw it against the wall. It shatters into pieces and falls to the floor.
