And then he started moving and I thought I would die from the pleasure of it. I could feel him sliding in and out of my body and it was the single most intense experience of my life. I began to move with him in a sensual dance.
Clay surged over and over again, each thrust taking him deeper into my body. His hands touched me everywhere. I was acutely aware of the way our breaths mingled as he stroked the innermost part of me. The feel of his hips beneath my thighs. The stubble on his chin as he kissed me.
I threw my head back and Clay suckled my neck, making noises in the back of his throat as his movements became more frenzied. I felt a strange searing heat build in the pit of my belly. I dug my fingers into his shoulder blades and he yelled my name as we exploded together.
Clay collapsed on my chest, his sweat-slicked hair sticking to my skin. I smoothed the strands back from his forehead. Clay kissed the hollow of my throat, his lips lingering on the frantic pulse that beat there. We didn’t speak, each of us too spent, too emotional. I felt tears prick my eyes and I was completely overwhelmed by what we had just shared.
Clay would always be a part of me now. No one could ever replace this first time for me and, despite everything, I was so glad it had been with him. He traced his fingertips over my stomach, tickling it and making me giggle. He pulled out of me slowly and went to the bathroom.
I pulled the sheet up under my chin, suddenly feeling shy about lying there without anything on. Clay came back, clearly not as modest. He smiled at me. He gently pulled the sheet away.
“Don’t cover yourself, baby. You’re amazing.” He lay down beside me, pulling me against his front.
We lay together, entangled. He nuzzled my hair. “This is what I wanted, Mags. To fall asleep holding you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t forgiven me. I am so, so sorry.” I snuggled as close to him as I could get. Clay pulled the blankets over us and I felt warm and safe in our cocoon, our earlier fight not forgotten, but less pertinent.
My eyelids began to droop and just as I was about to fall off to sleep, Clay whispered in my ear. “This is forever, Maggie. I would follow you into hell if I had to.” His breath tickled my skin. He kissed my temple. “You are all I want for the rest of my life.”
I was so tired that I couldn’t be sure I’d heard him correctly. But I knew his love was an intense, hungry thing. I worried for a moment, as I fell asleep, that his love would eat me alive.
chapter
seventeen
iwoke up the next morning, blinking in the pale morning light. It was still early; I could tell by the lingering darkness that clung to the corners of the room and the edges of the sky. Clay was wrapped tightly around me and I could barely move. His face was buried in the back of my neck and his arms pinned me to his side. I felt hot and sweaty from the warmth of his body.
I needed to go to the bathroom. Badly. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but that only caused him to tighten his hold on me. Okay, I was starting to feel claustrophobic. I lay there until I felt his hold slacken, and I slowly lifted his arm from around my chest and placed it gently beside him.
I was then able to disengage my legs from his and roll out of the bed. I landed on my feet, feeling like a gymnast with the crazy maneuvers I’d had to use. I looked over at Clay and saw that he was still asleep. I tiptoed behind the Japanese screen and tried to pee as quietly as possible. I wasn’t entirely comfortable relieving myself with him so close by. There were just some things I wasn’t ready to share with him.
I quickly brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I looked in the mirror over the sink and stared at myself. I didn’t look any different, but my bodyfeltdifferent. I could feel soreness when I moved certain muscles I had never used before. I felt more like a woman and less like a little girl.
I thought back to the previous night. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered whether I had made the right decision. It had all seemed to make sense in the moment. The fight had been a distant memory. But now, in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten. Had I rushed into sex to attempt to block out how much he had hurt me?
Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the nagging concerns that threatened to ruin my good mood.
I found a clean pair of underwear and put them on and then slipped into my favorite pair of yoga pants and a white cami. I looked outside and was taken aback by all the white stuff.
It had probably snowed five inches during the night and it was beautiful. But I hoped we could get out of here today, or I would have some major explaining to do to my parents. I cringed even thinking about it.
I heard Clay stirring in the bed and I looked over my shoulder. He blinked sleepily. “Come back to bed, baby. I’m missing you.” His voice was raspy and I smiled at how amazing he looked first thing in the morning.
I crossed the room slowly, feeling strangely shy with him. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what to do. Things were different now, on so many levels. Clay smiled at me. “I like waking up with you,” he said huskily, watching me with sleepy eyes.
My insides clenched as his fingers inched toward me and gently rubbed my arm. “What’s wrong?” he asked me. I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He seemed more awake and I could see the worry on his face.
“Do you regret it?” he asked, the horror evident in his tone.
Did I regret it? His fingers stopped their dance on my skin and I looked at my boyfriend. His love for me was startlingly clear and I could see how much the idea of my regretting our intimacy would crush him.
I couldn’t tell him that I was worried that I had simply swept our bigger problems under the rug. That we weren’t really addressing his ongoing issues. For all our closeness, there was still so much that he kept from me. Things that I didn’t feel comfortable voicingto him. What did that really say about our relationship?
“Maggie,” he breathed, scooting closer. He laid his arm across my stomach. His face was close to mine. I could feel his breath on my cheek. I realized I had been silent for quite a while. But damn if my body didn’t start to heat up as his fingers went under my shirt to rest against my bare skin.
Did I regret it? I closed my eyes as he rubbed his nose against my cheek.
No. I didn’t. Because even with all of our shit, I still loved him. More than I probably should.
“No, Clay. I could never regret being with you,” I told him truthfully. As if taking that as an invitation, Clay rolled on top of me and kissed my chin. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sudden change in him. From sad and worried to delighted and giddy in the span of seconds.
