Daniel looked torn. I knew this went against his protective instincts where I was concerned. We got out to the parking lot and I looked over to where Clay’s car was parked. My heartbeat picked up when I saw him standing there, leaning against his BMW, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets, looking at me with apprehension.
Daniel followed my stare. “I don’t like this, Mags. I’m serious. Just be careful.” I nodded, making my way over to Clay. Danny followed me and we both stopped when we got to the car. Clay looked at me as if I would run away. His eyes were sad and I felt a twinge of guilt for my part in making him feel that way.
Why I felt any guilt was beyond me. But I felt it nonetheless. “Hey, Maggie,” he said quietly, my name a breath on his lips.
“Hey,” I said back, just as quietly.
“Look, Clay. I’m not sure what the hell your deal was at lunch. But I don’t want to see that shit again. Maggie is special and I will break your legs if you hurt her,” Daniel broke in harshly.
I wanted to elbow him. Hadn’t I just told him to check the protective bit?
Clay didn’t take his eyes from mine, even as he answered Daniel. “I understand. I was an ass. I’m sorry. If I hurt her, I would want you to break my legs, man. I swear it!” My throat felttight.
Daniel grunted from beside me, but neither Clay nor I took our eyes off each other. “Well, as long as we understand each other, I’ll see you guys later,” Daniel said grudgingly. I looked at Danny quickly.
“Thanks, Danny. I’ll call you later,” I assured him.
Daniel gave me a smile. “Okay. Talk to you then.” Daniel eyed Clay again and then walked away.
Clay reached out and took my hands in his. He pulled me close to him and I went willingly. “I’m so sorry, Maggie. You have no idea how much,” he whispered, putting his arms around me and holding me to his chest. I laid my cheek on the rough fabric of his jacket and closed my eyes.
“I just don’t understand. What did I do?” I asked softly. I felt Clay shudder.
“It’snot you! It’s me and my stupid insecurities. I saw you talking... touching another guy and I just lost it. I’m so scared of losing you that it makes me crazy!” he said hurriedly. His fingers kneaded the back of my neck and I felt him bury his face in myhair.
I pulled away and looked at him. He looked miserable and I hated it. “You can’t act like that every time I talk to a guy, Clay. It’s irrational and a little scary. I’m with you! Only you! I don’t know how to make you see that!” I implored, cupping his face with my hands.
Clay closed his eyes and covered one of my hands with his own and pulled it to his mouth, kissing the palm. “I know that! I do! I never want you to be scared of me. Ever,” he choked out. He seemed as if he were barely holding it together.
I hated to see him so broken. I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. “I love you, Clay,” I murmured against his mouth. His eyes opened wide in surprise. Then a happy sort of contentment took the place of the angst on his face. He crushed his mouth to mine, his hands sweeping over my body with a desperate sort of possession.
“I love you, too, Maggie. God, I love you so much!” he strangled out. We clutched each other, trying to get as close as possible.
“I’m yours, Clay,” I said softly as he kissed my cheeks, my neck, my hair.
“Mine,” he growled before taking my mouth with his again.
chapter
twelve
to say that things were tense for the next few days was a bit of an understatement. The day after his meltdown over Jake, Clay had joined Rachel, Daniel, and me again at lunch, where he awkwardly apologized to my friends for his behavior.
Rachel had accepted his apology, mostly, I knew, out of consideration for me. Daniel was still cool toward Clay, but after a week he started to let up on his aloofness. A tentative sort of peace descended over our small circle and I was finally able to breathe a little easier.
Clay was going over the top to prove he was a kind and loving boyfriend. He left me beautiful drawings in my locker almost every day. Each one depicted a butterfly in varying degrees of detail. Each one was more unbelievable than the last.
When I asked him why he drew only butterflies, he had kissed me softly on the mouth. “Because you make me feel free,” he had answered simply. My heart melted into a puddle at my feet. He could say and do the most romantic things.
Clay had broached the topic of Lisa’s cabin again at the lunch table. I knew he was trying really hard to change Rachel’s and Daniel’s idea of him. My friends seemed less enthusiastic about it than they had before. But, after some pleading on my part, they each agreed that it could be fun.
So we made plans to spend the night at Lisa’s cabin over Thanksgiving break. I desperately hoped it could eradicate this division I felt deepening between my friends and me. I knew they didn’t approve of my relationship with Clay. I knew they were worried we were in too deep, too fast. And I knew they hadn’t forgotten for one minute the anger Clay was capable of.
And that upset me. Because I felt like no matter how much Clay tried to change their minds about him, their opinion was permanent. Despite how cordial they were to his face.
I became protective of my relationship with Clay. I didn’t want anyone or anything to taint what we had. I felt like I was trying to hold on to a block of ice as it slowly melted under my fingers. I couldn’t keep hold of the happiness I felt in those moments when things were good. Because the bad loomed not far off, just waiting to wipe everything else away.
But the trip to the cabin became the focus of all my hopes for changing that. Clay seemed excited about the trip and I loved seeing him look forward to something. To see the brooding darkness erased by a real and true happiness.
