The irrational light in David’s eyes as he said these words plagued me.
There was something horrible coiling inside. Something slow and infectious that was systematically tainting everything.
I was being told to marry. To ready my soul for The Awakening. I would be ascending to the heavens. It’s all I ever wanted. What I had been preparing most of my life for.
Yet, it was almost too much to take in.
Marriage.
My Awakening.
I buried my face in my pillow and finally unleashed the scream that had been building and building inside me. Muffled it so no one could hear. No one but me.
A gaping hole opened up and swallowed me.
Eventually I closed the Bible and lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. A tiny spider spun a web way up in the rafters. I watched it toiling on and on. Creating something essential for its survival.
It had no idea whether the web would last a day. A week. It simply needed it. So, it made the best web it could. Because it was born to make it.
Pastor Carter said we are all born to follow God’s path.
That it wasourmeans of survival.
Did my survival really mean forcing me to marry someone I didn’t love? Did my feelings even matter in the grand scheme of things?
That thought alone had me teetering dangerously on the edge of depression.
A place I had been before.
So long ago…
“Sara, you in here?” Anne opened the door quietly. When she saw me lying on the bed she clucked her tongue disapprovingly. “You should come get something to eat.” I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was empty after almost twenty-four hours without food. It was already evening. I had completely lost track of time.
I barely acknowledged my friend’s presence. I needed to find that place where I was content with my fate. If Pastor thought I needed to marry for my soul’s betterment, I had to dig deep inside and live comfortably with it.
I could only pray.
I could only give myself over to the truth as Pastor saw it.
I felt fuzzy and full.
I waited for the surety of God’s love to fill me.
I couldn’t leave room for doubt.
I wouldn’t be left behind.
I felt my bed sink with Anne’s weight. She took the Bible, still open beside me, and put it on the bedside table. My head pounded painfully and I wasn’t sure I was capable of conversation.
“You’ve been in here for almost a whole day. You need to eat something. Fasting only hurts you. God wants you whole.” Fasting wasn’t unusual for The Gathering. It surprised me that she spoke against something accepted by everyone else.
I wondered if just once, she would question why I had remained indoors. She seemed as agitated as I felt. Iwantedto tell her what Pastor Carter said.
What he did…
I needed her to question it as much as I did.
I tried to find the words.
