Ispent the rest of the evening at home, skipping dinner. I spent the entire next day at home as well.
Pastor’s sessions were exhausting. I felt wrung out and depleted. The echoes of nausea panged in my stomach. I had thrown up in the bushes after leaving his house. As I always did. As though my body were expelling the sin. Once and for all.
Expellinghim.
Pastor said I was healed.
I wanted to believe him.
But I was starting to feel that there was a deep rift inside of me that no amount of prayer could fix.
I felt like screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore.
He loved me.
He loved us all.
He would save us.
Joy was pain.
It had been so easy to justify his methods when it was all I had ever known. Now I was learning other things. Hearing other stories.
I was learning to think about a world beyond the gate.
Bastian was forcing me to believe in things that went against everything I was taught. In truth, he was forcing me to believe in myself.
It was tearing me apart.
Once I was inside the safe confines of my home’s four walls, I tried to read the passages that Pastor had asked me to look over.
Mostly the words blurred on the page. I read the sentences but had a hard time digesting their meaning.
They were about the sanctity of marriage. About why women should show obedience to their husbands. To their God.
Obey.
Submit.
Surrender.
Rules I had learned at a very young age. I had been following them most my life. Yet I balked. The idea of lying down and accepting marriage—a husband—felt wrong.
“Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure.”I was getting a headache.
We hadn’t spent much time on the idea of marriage within The Gathering. I couldn’t remember any marriage ceremonies ever taking place. There were couples who came to The Retreat already married. But we had always been encouraged to focus on our relationship with God instead of earthly unions.
Why was Pastor Carter bringing this up now?
I trusted him, didn’t I?
I had been raised to trust him.
His word was my law.
Shouldn’t I accept what he planned for me? I should believe that he knew best as the voice of God.
“Pastor Carter is an amazing man. He wants what’s best for all of us. He only wants to see that we are accepted by God. That we’re living our best lives.”
